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Journal entry by Steven McGee

11:11 April 16, 2018

The song playing as I pulled away from the house for the first time following Tammy's passing was "No one ever is to blame" by Howard Jones.  Keeping in mind Tammy and I both ran Cross - Country -- a sport said to attract those who can't compete in other sports by many... coincidentally, I bought a cobalt air compressor today... the picture that was returned through binging is show below -- recalling around the time of Tammy's passing, the water heater in the house exploded upwards from the top -- something that the installation technician said he's never seen before... coincidentally


You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat

You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat

You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim

You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it

You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win

Some break the rules, and let you cut the cost

The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

You can see the summit but you can't reach it

It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit

Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain

Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain

And you want her, and she wants you

We want everyone

And you want her and she wants you

No one, no one, no one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

No one ever is to blame

Songwriters: Howard Jones

© Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

For non-commercial use only.

Data From: LyricFind


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Journal entry by Steven McGee

April 15th 03:25 AM 2018: Last entry from the "last, least among you" / scribe / husband / friend:

Tarot cards are a fascination of mine and being in denial and confused because Tammy had begun "peeping, peaking" yet she was still (autonomic-ally) drinking water, I performed a Tarot reading. I carefully choose a card asking to be given the truth of the situation (I'm an Aquarius, Aquarius Rising Truth seeker).  I carefully passed my hands slowly over the cards asking to be guided to the card that would reveal the truth.  Additionally, Facade dot com does reversals so I actually did two readings.  I drew the Death card.  However, the card was reversed.  Further the card was paired with the ten of swords in these readings.  Dr. Susan Greenberg called the following morning (see prior reading) and asked if she was in pain.  I said that I did not think so because of the cluster of lesions the X-rays revealed at the top of the spine with a lesion inside the spinal column that was "inoperable".  This lesion was shielded by bone and protected by the sealed off nature of the spinal fluid.  

Reversed Death Tarot Card Meanings. Death is a card of transformation and new life, and typically shows a need to start completely over by letting go of the past. Death reversed typically reflects that you are on the verge of major change but for some reason, you are resisting making that change.

Aeclectic Tarot: Ah, the Death Card. Signifies an end to something, a time of grieving with the hint that there will be something new to take the place of this lost thing in the future. Rebirth is at the other end of this tunnel, but a dark tunnel must be traversed. Reversed?

1) Opposite: The easiest reversal here is to say that something does not come to an end, or it does not die. But this may not be as good a thing as it sounds. Ever have a favorite TV show? You watch it over three seasons, it hits a pinnacle of being brilliant and wonderful...and then it starts to go down. And as it sinks and gets worse, and as it stretches out you begin to wish it had ended after that pinnacle. Sometimes, things need to come to a blessed end. Anyone who's had someone in the hospital, alive but not alive, holding to life but not living, knows that "not death" isn't a desired thing. Not death keeps people from grieving, and from starting over again when done. It just stretches out a "not-life."

2) Blocked: Unlike the Opposite, I would say that the Blocked interpretation does allow for the death or ending of something. The real energy of the card here is about that time of grief and nadir that leads to re-birth. If this is blocked, then the querent can't grieve. They can't face or relieve the pain of loss. They remain at one end of the tunnel, refusing or unable to transverse it.
Death Reversed: http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/card-meanings/reversed/death.shtml  LINK

See the last entry... Coldplay' Miracle video. Tammy and I also grew up with railroad tracks in our back yards.
Tammy left this world next to a set of railroad tracks running north / south -- like the dogsleds were running in Reverend Kathy Grave's images during one of our earliest sessions -- see magnetic pole reversals (Tammy being the heart and me the Beacon

Ten of Swords:  When the 10 appears, however, it is a clear signal to be careful about where you put your trust

Linda "The Psychic" Shields "Trust no one"

The Ten of Swords reversed indicates a painful ending which must occur for there to be growth and regeneration. The suit of Swords is the suit of thoughts, plans, and attitudes, and this card is very appropriate in the area of mental transformations.

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Journal entry by Steven McGee

11: 33 PM April 14th, 2018: One thing Tammy and I shared in common despite being opposites on the Zodiac wheel and in life is that we both ran high school cross country. Tonight I repeated again the affirmation I have arrived at to honor Tammy and her profound Sacred Contract. On the morning after her passing, her Oncologist Dr. Susan Greenberg called and said "no matter what trash was dropped over her head, she just kept on smiling".  I responded automatically as if the words were not my own "Tammy accomplished what she came her to do" Tonight, a little voice told me that I needed to play the Coldplay song "Paradise". This song led me to another more poignant song "Miracles" by Coldplay.  The video includes scenes from the movie "Unbroken" that we watched together.  Miracles by Coldplay begins with these words:   "I've made it this far and refused to give up because all my life I had always finished the race". Quote by Louis Zamperini. Coincidentally, I had reposted this montage from the movie Toy Story 3 recently (see attached)

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Journal entry by Steven McGee

Healers / energy medicine practitioners cite emotions as triggers / contributing factors for dis-ease (disease). 

Coincidentally,  while the visiting nurse and the social worker were checking on Tammy for what would be the last time and citing that Tammy was "peaking" "peeping" (think of peek a boo without seeing) during the late morning the day of Tammy's passing, the hot water tank was arriving for replacement.  The hot water tank installer remarked that he never saw a hot water tank explode up and out from the tank from the top before....

Click for "the rest of the story": https://scribd.com/document/375652904/Tammer-the-Hammer-The-Heart-Beacon


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Journal entry by Steven McGee

Tammy Sue Lee's cremation has / will occur in Libertyville New Jersey. She will be profoundly missed. 

Tammy has a new life / I have my life back -- win - win 

Shaman, Circle of the Sacred Earth DRUMMING Circle 10 April 2018:

Reverend Kathy Graves e-mail: “Hi, at drum last night called in on Tammy’s Native Ancestors and helpers. Was told they will come to her in her dreams to guide her and direct her. She must lite a candle every day and rattle as she sits there. It can be a plastic bottle with dry rice if need be… but do it… welcome them and thank them.”

R. Kathy

April 13th 2018 Addendum: meeting Tammy's brother Vern in the Double Tree Hotel lobby, Vern heard on the news that the whales were migrating south early this year.  

On the trip to Richmond on Highway 301, I saw a Hammer Transport truck and a Beacon truck.  Stopping at a gas station, I saw a Reliable Energy Management Truck.

Thank you for all your life lessons, infinite patience, compassion, and unconditional love Tammy Sue Lee.
You are an old soul

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Journal entry by Steven McGee

Recovered from "soy sauce" event.  Going back to sleep.

Reverend Kathy Graves Shaman, Circle of the Sacred Earth e-mail following a conversation we had today: 

"God dream a bigger dream than I can dream for myself.." "Both you say that as much as you can.... Put on stickies or cards around the house...." R KATHY 

04:44 Mini "soy sauce" event mitigated with a purple towel laid over Tammy's fresh shirt.  Hyoscyamine under tongue. Tammy took a sip of water... will note when 8 Oz of water drank since around 11:00 PM last night.  Water bottle nearly drank. This portion of water was Miralax to encourage a bowl movement as per discussion / action plan with Nurse yesterday afternoon.

05:30 Tammy drank another several Ounces of plain, non Mirilax water

05:37 Coughing episode over (was a minor one with a minor "soy sauce" event mostly caught in tub and a very minor spit up of soy sauce caught by purple towel.  Reclined Tammy back and angled pillow to keep head more centered to aid rest.

07:40 Tammy drank four ounces of plain water on her own after I placed the cup in her hand.  Nurses aid due @ 8:00 AM. Will change lay flat Fitright diaper.  Change shirt..  minimal jostling today.  Bedding and chucks changed yesterday.

11:30 Update Nurse's aid squared Tammy away.  Very pleased.  Shawna and Social worker arrived around ten.  Morphine administered @ 8:00 and 11:00. Lorazipam (sp) relaxer administered by Shawna around 10:00 -- I crushed up the pill so that solution could be administered under the tongue (teamwork). Tammy reached for and drank more liquid from the spill resistant straw container and has consumed about 8 Oz of fluid since wake up.  

15:13 PM Tammy took another big swig of liquid -- with me holding the non - spill straw drink container

15:30 PM Tammy took another drink of liquid with me holding the cup.  Her hands are clasped behind her head again.. sort of awake... exhausted...  water tank replacement is here from Eatontown TV and Appliance.  When he looked at the tank, he said "this is weird, the tank exploded from the top instead of the bottom" -- apparently that is the opposite of what usually happens

15:37 Tammy took another drink of liquid with me holding the cup.

17:59 Tammy is still autonomic ally drinking out of the straw cup. She is "peaking" though..  Tammy's brother Vern is inbound from Arizona. I'm finishing filling out the forms to activate weekend nurses aid coverage with Always Best Care Inc.

Journal entry by Steven McGee

06:23 Poured water from 20 Oz bottle into a 12 fluid ounce / 355 ml bottle to make it easier for Tammy to drink. Tammy took a sip of water.

07:00 Tammy asked for two sodium bicarbonate anti acid tablets.  She chewed them and swallowed them successfully.

07:33 E-mailed Reverend Kathy Graves, Shaman Circle of the Sacred Earth and Reiki Master Practitioner is she did / is willing to perform a passing ritual / last rites.  Tammy's breathing is very labored and rapid.  Her eye sockets (not currently awake) are very dark.

07:42 Last night, Tammy asked me to "hug her leg" because it "felt good"  :)

09:25: Spoke to Meridian At Home Hospice. Stated that Tammy and I are pleased with the support we've been receiving and would like to extend our support to seven days per week -- less one individual whom Tammy is not comfortable with.  Meridian stated that they will see what they can do.

10:46  Tammy drank approximately 6 fluid ounces of water on her own. She held and maneuvered the bottle.  Hackensack Meridian at Home just called and a replacement health care aide will be here shortly per Tammy's wishes.  Very pleased.

13:17 PM Rosanna came and saved the day...  bed side bath, teeth brushed, diaper changed with ointment, bed change, improvised because my hot water heater broke, thought on her feet and got the job done -- extremely pleased

17:09: Metrics / measurements / medication nurse made assessment and plan for tonight. Social worker and I chatted about maintaining a vision and plan of action for the way through and beyond this challenge.  Health care aid scheduling nurse called to schedule a visit for tomorrow. Rectal constipation suppository administered.

11:45 PM: Tammy's fluid intake increases to about 16 fl Oz. Some sips of beet juice included.  Both caregiver and Tammy getting some sleep. I'm helping Tammy make adjustments to her sleeping positions to avoid stiffness.

11:51 PM Soy Sauce event.  Caregiver was at bedside adjusting Tammy's position so caught most of the discharge in a pink tub. Opinion: given the volume of these events, it is not possible for the material suspended in the liquid to be entirely comprised of Berberine Berry dietary supplement pills. Berberine has only been added to the diet post "the talk" advisory.

Journal entry by Steven McGee

Tammy said on Monday, "it's Monday at the Masters"

02:00 AM  Tammy asks for and receives two Tylenol (for a headache).  I told Tammy it is OK to pee and that she needed to drink her water.  Tammy drinks about three ounces of water.

03:30 AM Tammy asks for the blankets to be taken off her legs so she can stretch them out completely.  I hand her the water bottle so that she drinks some liquid.  I tell her it's OK to pee.  She asks for her diaper tabs to be loosened.  Her abdomen after the operation was retaining fluid about four months ago but the hospital said there wasn't enough fluid in her abdomen at the time to warrant a draining procedure.  We have been asking for a fluid drain procedure for several months now -- for comfort reasons.  Tammy dislikes being rolled from side to side for this reason -- it is uncomfortable.  Catheter to be installed Monday. Could have, would have, should have had it installed on Friday.

09:22 A.M. Tammy said "I peed" / I said "good" !  Then I said, let's get some Macro Life Miracle Reds energy drink into you before we start the diaper change.  Tammy said OK -- and here's the awesome part..   wait for it....  Tammy took her morning pills with the energy drink!  Hallelujah song playing in the background...

09:26 A.M. I've thought this through.  Rather than disrupting the team in place just because of one individual Tammy does not want around her.  I'm going to add a full week of staff support and overlay them at different times in the day from a different vendor -- unless the team in place replaces the teammate Tammy and I do not think should be providing care at this time. This way, if the person who we feel shouldn't be providing health care at this time shows up, I can just decline the help and wait for the other team's person to assist me. Issue resolved.  (Linda "The Psychic" "spend the money")   ;)

10:19 AM  Incessantly receiving weather warnings on cell about increased chance of fire warnings: 20 - 25 % increase so I moved the emergency medical Oxygen tanks out of the master bedroom to the farthest point in the garage. Increased fire warnings when all it's done is rain and snow this spring?  Seriously? 

11:11 Changed Tammy.  Better methodology this time.  Diaper was soaked so she may have peed several times last night.

12:12 Feeding Tammy hard boiled eggs mashed up with butter.  Tammy crunched an egg shell chunk -- I get "the look"  ;)

17:37 PM System purge day.  Lost the eggs, complete purge of the stomach with lots of mucus. Two shirt changes, bed change, a baby wipe shower followed by a wash cloth Aveno soap portable tub bath to clean up after the system purging and we're back to a clean bed and a sleeping Tammy.  Anxiously awaiting a mouth spray mist as needed product to help clean up the lungs to arrive recommended by the Shaman, Circle of the Sacred Earth who has been beyond invaluable.  Caretaker took a shower. Is finishing washing all the towels and soiled clothes to start back again tomorrow on a clean slate.

17:49 Tammy just brought up a thick green blob of mucus similar to that which one brings up when one has a bad chest cold. Thanks to the Shaman, Circle of the Sacred Earth, who sent this link: http://icnr.com/vanish/purchase-vanish.html Vanish is on the way to provide Tammy with mouth spray ease relief.  Thanks again Rev K!  Help is on it's way!

09:49 Mucinex pill taken.  Blu Emu (like Ben Gay without the smell) placed on neck and shoulders. Lights out so Tammy / Caregiver can get some sleep after a long day.  Mucus is better out than in.  Hopefully, Tammy will have several good days now

11:16 PM The caregiver, that would be me, lay down to get some rest after the Mucinex pill was given.  I heard Tammy moving in the bed which means some event is happening (vomiting, bringing up mucus) and I rushed around the bed to watch Tammy throwing up what seem like at least a pint of brownish, reddish tinted vomit from the stomach.  There was some mucus in the vomit but overall, the vomit was more like material suspended in the liquid.  Tammy managed to aim much of it into a pink tub but a good deal made it down onto the fresh chucks I had positioned underneath her earlier from the afternoon's session of vomiting and bringing up mucus.  Keeping in mind Tammy's air readings were 97 a few blog posts ago, I was completely surprised by what just happened.  I changed her shirt for the third time and used some of the bedside cleaning spray that Mera had brought to clean Tammy up.  I cleaned up what made it onto the chuck as best I could.  The chucks are stained a deep brown / red on either side of Tammy.  I placed wash clothes between Tammy and the stains as she was too exhausted to go through the rolling back and forth on her distended belly necessary to remove and replace the chucks.  So, obviously better out than in -- but, the volume and the color of the discharge was admittedly unsettling.  Tammy did manage to watch the final hour of the Master's Golf Tournament today.  She enjoyed seeing "Captain America" win the Green Jacket.

11:36 PM  Final thoughts on the volume and color of the vomit described above.  I have been making energy drinks from freeze dried fruits and vegetables using a product called Organifi Red Juice.  Tammy dislike this beverages red husk residue.  So, several days ago, I switched to MacroLife's Miracle Reds Superfood product that does not leave behind the residue like MacroLife's product does.  As I blogged this morning, Tammy drank down her morning pills of Tumeric-Curcumen, Berberine Berry from India (a stomach / intestinal cleansing remedy) and N.A.C amino acid N-Acetyl -L Cysteine that is used to mitigate chest mucus according to Web MD (used in lung misting) and by a University of Maryland study.  

Tomorrow morning, I will offer Tammy water and some of the MacroLife's Miracle Red juice as she must have energy and nutrition. We will focus on eliminating mucus and omit use of the Tumeric-Curcumen / Berberine  pills for the next several days.  Tammy is still coughing unfortunately.  As I mentioned earlier, Tammy's lung seal operation to prevent fluid build up by sealing the lungs with a type of "talcum powder" was only successful on one side of her lungs.  The other side had too much scarring by the cancer growth to fully seal.  That operation was approximately four months ago.  What state her lungs are in I cannot say other than pointing out that her Oxygen measurement was at 97 (while on the O2 machine) and fluctuating between 86 and 89 without the machine on Friday.  Palliative care...  nothing prepares you for this.  Caregiver out.

"Soy Sauce"...   my wife's last words ? Another dash around the bed to Tammy's bed side.  She had managed to lift the pink tub to her mouth for another round of vomiting which yes, looks like soy sauce.  Another Baby wipe and disinfectant bedside spray rub down, another clean shirt -- the fourth today... another load of laundry. Tammy looked me in the eyes and squeezed my hand.  She gave me a good long look and smiled.  I told her that when she gets to heaven with her mom and Grandma that she should have a big, grand party and watch the rest of us down here dealing with total economic collapse and drastic climate change due to the Milankovitch Cycle (see my other blog) and enjoy herself because, no one will be able to touch Tammer "The MC Hammer" / The Heart Beacon then. https://www.scribd.com/document/375652904/Tammer-the-Hammer-The-Heart-Beacon / https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milankovitch_cycles   Tammy's care giver / Scribe for the Heart Beacon Cycle Time - Space Meter Eco-Economic Heartbeat out.  See the Vanish bottle down below?  Tammy's energy signature will vanish and depart from it's body and travel to her home star.  Reverend Kathy Graves Shaman Circle of the Sacred Earth "It's in the Stars"

2:51 AM another pint or so of "soy sauce" -- no way blocked Berberin berry pills constitutes this amount of volume...  I took pictures of the liquid..  probably too tacky to post...    I asked Tammy if she wanted me to call 9-1-1..  she shook her head no.  I asked her did she want to pass (assuming that is what is happening) right here.  She nodded her head yes.  Care giver out.

3:15 AM awaiting call back from on Meridian at home on call nurse to ask for advice and an explanation of what is happening.  I took several pictures of the vomit / discharge "soy sauce" as Tammy called it.  I fed Tammy hard boiled eggs and noon mashed up with butter but the chunks that are being expelled with the discharge are multi-color green, blue...red, and don't look like eggs..   no one told me about quarts and quarts of "soy sauce"...  would have been nice to have been given a heads up

03:35 Spoke on the phone to Meridian Health on call nurse and requested a house visit. Per instructions, I gave Tammy the CP Prochlorper 10MG tab for nausea and vomiting.  While on the phone, the on call nurse said I was giving her the best thing I can give her -- love.

03:44 Set out the copy of the Living Will / Do not resuscitate papers in preparation for the on call nurse's visit.

04:53 On call nurse departs.  Oxygen level off oxygen generator 91 - 92.  On Oxygen 96.  Blood Pressure 127/94

Journal entry by Steven McGee

This website is for Tammy Sue Lee McGee's lion pride.  Being former military US Army Signal Corps, I thought this "smart push, warrior pull" strategy to provide updates was a smart thing -- her primary care giver / husband Steve

April 7th 2018: the oxygen tank adapter came today and is in use.  Tammy drank half a 1 gram of sugar per container protein shake last night about 3:30 AM and a half of fruit / vegetable energy drink this morning. She took her mucus medications and a few supplement pills as previously described.  She is sleeping and is on O2 -- without the humidify bottle because the nurse pointed out that her lungs are already moist with the mucus.
Tammy Sue’s Story
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