We are connected in so many ways - people, land... my surgeon told me she was having difficulty finding the gloves she uses due to an environmental disaster where rubber is harvested. Due to other global complications, there is a delay in the manufacturing of certain chemicals. I was to receive cancer treatment six weeks after my second surgery, which instead had to be scheduled for five months post-surgery due to manufacturing delays. That my cancer is spreading is of no consequence. Many others are in the same boat. And still more, far worse. My heart is extended. Honestly, I recognize the incredible gift of knowing that it will happen. 

The removed tissue from my second surgery has cancer in it from spread (not growth). Aggressive is named-so because five “points of entry” were found on the vascular system of the previous tissue removed. So now what? Same as before. This type of cancer does not respond to chemo, but responds very well to whole-body (consumed) radiation.

It’s kind of like chemical warfare in my body. A castle under siege, starved for nutrients, that when presented with said nutrients (in the form of a Trojan horse no less! But with the nutrients wrapped in radioactive material rather than a pretty horse and soldiers:) 

My original date was set for July, but I received news that I will now begin with the process in early to mid-June. Actually, June 8th. Yikes. Hallelujah and holy heck. My heart hurts, and my chest is tight.

“Will I feel unwell right away? Should someone drive me home?” Incredulous pause, and a slow, clear: “No…you need to drive yourself home. You will be radioactive”.

Go directly home. Do not stop at a restaurant or gas station. This ought to have been obvious, but I am slow to absorb and quick to think of ramifications. What if I couldn’t drive? What about people who cannot drive? Patients used to stay at the hospital, but now it’s only if you live more than two hours away, or if you cannot care for yourself. 

Fun fact: I could set off airport radiation alarms in the following months. I cannot be in the same home as children, I cannot stay in a hotel or other rented place. “Cleaning staff are not trained to clean radioactive rooms”, (nor should they be contact with radioactive material as part of their work, I concur). Other things to learn about being radioactive such as: if you blow your nose, flush the tissue, do not put it in the garbage. Eat lemons to keep salivary glands working, wash and launder everything you touch or sit upon, contain yourself to a few rooms only, and flush twice. I see the pattern here – the radiation is to be swept into our water systems. This gives me pause. 

The biggest thing for me right now, is pondering my radiation bubble. (Not a real term. I just made that up). But…six feet. Anyone who comes within six feet of me will be exposed to unhealthy amounts of radiation. I think that is rather a lot of feet to be emitting dangerous vibes. Imagine if it was a superpower. “Anyone within six feet will feel a surge of strengthening in their bones!” But it’s more like I am walking around with a force-field and anyone within range is sneak-blasted. 

Cancer treatments can sometimes be a matter of the lesser of two evils. I feel as though I am hovering within a bubble of cure and curse. Ease, and dis-ease, gratitude and lament. I marvel at the work gone before to get to this stage of medicine, am humbled by my easy access to healthcare, and am sad that with it, I am also poisoning my body. I find new empathy for what we tend to view as archaic or appalling medicines from millennia or centuries ago. But, they were also paired with incredible knowledge of herbs and plants (thank you), and where we are appalled, were they not just doing the best they could? 

The Wise Woman of George Macdonald’s story carried the Little Princess within her cloak as she ran, and somehow the princess was safe, warm, and protected from the dangers of the world while in her care, and in her home. The storms raged on (external and internal) and The Little Princess learned much in that trying place of holding. Though difficult, and though she could not always see, she was held in the Sacred Place all the while, and she emerged transformed.

I am wanting and needing that Holding as I prepare. And it’s there for me. He is there for me.

And for you.

And in this too, we are all, so connected.