I have a day off today.  Hopefully all day and all night, from Chill,  the little restaurant I started with my kids 9 years ago.  Actually last week was our Chill Birthday.  1/11/11 we opened the doors.  Somehow, against every possible challenge, we are still in business.  This last year was clearly the very toughest.  Not only were Steve and I gone since basically March when he got diagnosed with this damn leukemia, but our road was closed for 2 months.  We still have enormous ongoing problems with construction all around us, resultant plumbing problems too numerous to detail, deferred maintenance from our absence and the list goes on and on.  Of course when the road was closed our staffing went to a skeleton crew, kept going by the most phenomenal group of servers, bartenders and cooks and dishwashers and hosts, all of whom are still there today, except one...one who has huge shoes to fill.    Our most amazing ever Manager, Mark gave me his notice a few days after we got home.  He and his beautiful wife have moved to upstate New York where they will wander through their own cancer journey with his mother in law.  His leadership, and our deeply committed and dedicated staff truly saved our business.  I can't think of this, even for a second, without crying.  

But, since we got home, volume has picked up substantially.  Thank goodness.  I mean seriously... OMG we are crazy grateful for the support of this wonderful town we call home, St. Pete Beach.  Jillions of dollars of repairs needed to be made to everything from the roof to equipment, AC issues still remain, and the plumbing issues... OMG.   We still have a crazy expensive list of ongoing needs.  We have had to hire new people, which is so much harder than you can possibly imagine.  Sorting through new hires and that painful drama, honoring the existing staff's independence of how they have survived all this time, correcting recipes, plating, opening and closing procedures... the list goes on and on and on and on and on.   I sometimes find myself LOST and alone, breathless deep in the darkest of holes.  

If I dare to breathe, and look only at this day, at this moment, and I take a snapshot of Chill on THIS day... I can proudly declare WE GOT THIS.  It's going to be even better than it ever was.  #Chill2020  By some tremendous stroke of luck, serendipity, God's Grace, and perfect timing in the Universe, one of my favorite Chef's reached out to come back.  He is such a happy guy, so enjoyable to work with, wildly talented, smart, funny, creative and very very hard working.  If you don't know him, his name is Joe Luisi.  He went to CIA in NY and worked at 2 of Bobby Flay's restaurants there.  He most recently was the Exec at The Club on Treasure Island and made a decision that it was time for a change.  I can't tell you what this means to me, personally.  He is someone I trust.  He is someone I believe in.  He is someone who can take us much farther in our restaurant world.   George Loder came on board as well.  He is a staple in beach restaurants and is wildly competent.  I promise getting to this snapshot of today has depleted me, nearly entirely.  I thought cancer and transplant had taken everything from me and we were coming home to rest, recover and rebuild.  I could not have anticipated coming home to immediately hit the ground running for the fight for our financial survival and recovery.  I should have, I suppose.  But, Mark was here.  And he is a real life Superman... so I wasn't worried.   I truly wish him much love on his new life in NY, so the goodbye was an extreme example of the most bittersweet feeling I have known.

And then, there is my darling Steve.  A snapshot of Steve today is wonderful.  He completed his second round of maintenance chemotherapy yesterday.  His "counts" are great.  He is still in deep remission (MRD negative) and his last chimerism test shows that he is 100% donor cells.  On paper, it is truly a world class miracle recovery story.  He has lost 45 pounds since the transplant, but looks well.  Behind the scenes, he is nauseous around the clock most every day.  He has an hour or two, at most, when he feels well enough to come out.  He tires so easily.  He sleeps so poorly.  He becomes so frustrated with his body.  He wants to feel as well as his numbers look.  Cancer recovery is so very hard.   It takes such a long time for your energy and being to feel well.  His body truly has been at war.  There is an enormous price to be paid when you life is spared from cancer.   If you recall, we left Florida in early July facing weeks or months to live.  We came home 5 months later with real hope of long term survival.  That treatment - it is so far from flowers and butterflies.  It's brutal.  He has suffered.  He still suffers, often and intensely.   But if I look at the snapshot of him this day, he is a walking miracle and I am beyond grateful to have had a front row seat, no... I did not have a front row seat.  I was in the seat with him, side by side, watching and participating in his treatment and healing, day by day.

I will try, today, to stay in this moment.  I will try to forget the pains of the last week and last month.  I will try, to reconnect with my darling Steve.  I have so much compassion for his pains and struggles.  But, I miss him.   I miss our old life, the one we had before cancer.  But, I am certain that we will have a beautiful story ahead.  It will take time and patience...  but my heart is full.  Full of love for him, for his family who have been so kind and supportive, love for my dearest friends, love for my amazing employees who are the greatest people ever in any restaurant ever.  My heart is full with love for my Molly and her never ending support.  I was with 2 of my kids on Christmas day this year, finally, and being Grammy is my lifetime's favorite hat I get to wear.   
So, despite the challenges which easily suck me down into that dark and lonely hole, today I find that it is gratitude and Grace that lifts me up and brings Hope again.  

Thank you all for your love.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for your tremendous support.  Happy New Year! 

As Always... much much love,
Ruthie & Steve