It has been one year since Steve had his radical nephrectomy that took a crazy terrifying turn.  After his surgery he was internally bleeding and no one knew. During the course of less than 2 hours Steve's heart stopped 3 times.The first two times, he was quick to respond to interventions.  On the third time they had to fully resuscitate him.   Steve had a paradoxical response to the internal bleed coming from his renal artery. Instead of his heart rate increasing it decreased. Instead of an extended and hard belly, his was soft because he was bleeding into the renal cavity. Instead of high blood pressure his was very very very  low. At times his heart rate was 20 beats per min. His blood pressure was 48/something, I can't remember and his  oxygen saturation level was 6!!! Then the sounds of machines beeping and flat lines running across the screen.   After begging and pleading (yelling)  with the rapid response team, the  head nurse listened and  was able to get the ctscan signed off.   It took a long time to get it. It took longer to have it read. However,  There they found his internal bleed!!!!  Once they did read it, they called an emergency surgery in the middle of the night.  The second I received the call (they made me leave the hospital. Covid times) I ran and ran the entire hospital. Throwing all my belongings down  at the security check-in  at 2am, the security guard trying to catch me, the check- in nurse yelling at the security guard they were expecting me and to let me go.  He than  ran with me to get to the room where Steve was. They brought in the 2 surgeons, 2 anesthesiologists, the head of the ICU doctor and a team of 6- 8 nurses . There was a nurse that her only duty was to call me every 15 to 30 mins to let me know what was happening.    Steve's team was waiting for me so I could say goodbye.  Goodbye.  The goodbye met with signing of paperwork of what we wanted to happen if this did not end well.  The goodbye where his doctor said, let him know how much you love him.   The team turned down the lights. All were silent and had their heads down. I laid my head on Steve and said goodbye.  We said a prayer. I told him I loved him. Said thank you for everything we have created together and sorry for anything I had ever done. I kissed him and held his hand. I could not hug him because of so many medical devices and tubes all over.  Steve is always the jokester. So before I left his side, I whispered to him "Do NOT follow the light!" He smiled and said he would not follow the light. 

There I sat in the middle of the night alone waiting. It was so silent and still.  I sat in the lobby that overlooked the mountains.  At first it was just the black sky.   As the morning broke and the sunrise came over the mountains,  Steve was out of surgery.  During the surgery he lost over half of his blood.  Steve was given 4 blood transfusions. This was the max he could receive.   Steve's body slowly started to respond and he got stronger and stronger. His body slowly made more blood. And he was off to a full recovery.  And here we are TODAY! A year later!  

About 7 months after Steve's surgery, I saw the head nurse that advocated for the ctscan. I told her  Thank You  so very much.  She gave me a huge hug. She told me thank you for following my gut instinct and not backing down.  We also have had to opportunity to tell  the nurse that responded to my screams for help when his heart stopped ,thank you for saving his life.  She said it was one of her scariest nursing moments and learned a lot from treating Steve and working his case.   I have not ever talked to Steve's surgeon since he came and talked to me after the emergency surgery in the middle of the night.  I know cognitively even though he is a highly regarded surgeon here in the US he is human and made a mistake.  However, my heart feels rage and disgust.  I have not yet been able to be in the same room with him.  Steve goes every 12 weeks to see him for his camera scope procedure.  Steve said, I am not invited because of the nature of the procedure and doesn't want to be punished for me  "wildly unleashing on him"😂.

This story is about Steve's journey  from my prospective. Steve's version is VASTLY different.  Mine is  fear, terror and trauma.   Steve's is of peace and calm.   One, he doesn't remember hardly any of it. Two, what he does remember is shockingly  different.  When Steve's heart completely stopped and they were doing chest compressions, injections and paddles, Steve said he felt and saw  himself rise above his body. He shares feeling peaceful and calm. He can tell you he remembers watching them and saying "this is really trippy, they are doing chest compressions on me." He doesn't share or talk about it much unless asked .  When he does he always says it was harder on me than him. After Steve's first 72hrs,   I had night terrors, flashbacks that almost  caused 2 car accidents, times where I was physically present in a room but the kids yelling my name to get my attention because I was stuck in a trance. Left with extreme anxiety and a heightened surveillance of Steve. God gave Steve a since of being very close to him, safety, peace and a calm presence. 

Steve is an incredibly humble and a quiet soul. He is as tough as nails.  He worked during this whole time. Chemo, hospital stays during chemo, complications and nasty side effects, I think steve missed less than 5 weeks of work during chemo and surgery recovery. He actually was working about 2.5ish weeks post surgery.   The body is such a marvelous machine. Watching Steve's body fight and heal was so scary and also in awe of what our body does for us.  He is emotionally very present and alive.  As for me, my heart is slowly healing and my emotional state is working its way back to whatever will be a new normal.  This journey took me to a place that was off the beaten path to say the least.  We worked so hard to keep life as normal as humanly possible for Blake and Lydia.  The two of them are full of zest for life and adventure. They love their daddy more than I can put words to.  They know how much their daddy cherishes, adores and deeply loves them.  

And here we are ONE year later. He WON! A year was WON!  This weekend we biked, hiked, fished and paddle boarded. Had campfires. Played game and  Lots of hugs and Laughter!!! 

I will be updating you at the end of the month with his one year scope and blood work check up. Then in October with MRIs and CT scans. As well as check up with nephrologist. Steve will be monitored every 4ish months for the next 4 years.  Right now they say he is N E D. No evidence of disease. At the end of the 5 year mark, as long as all scans are clear he will be in remission

Thank you Lord for your blessings and miracles. Thank you for this year together.   Our hearts were so full of love and gratitude for our little life here on Earth together this weekend.  We love each other with all of our hearts. 

Here is to another year of life, blessings, and adventures.

The four of us want to thank ALL of you who came and wrapped your arms around us since March 2022. Your love and support will be in our hearts forever. 

Sending you all love and a special sense of gratitude for all the small and big blessings!

Love,

The Bergins