I feel like sometimes when we go through hard things we feel a need to cover up the bad... as if by sharing that things are hard, we’re conveying that we’re weak. Or maybe we hide our pain because we feel like a burden to those around us. And in some ways I feel like other people don’t always allow us to open up, because they don’t know what to say (rightly so) when someone is going through something, so we both just avoid talking about it to curb the awkwardness. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all the difficult things I’ve faced in my life it’s that people connect through struggle. And amongst all the sickening perfection of social media, we need more people opening up about the parts of their life that are sucky and less than perfect.

So here I am, channeling my inner Brene Brown (love you, Brene! Girl crush all the way!!) and sharing our IVF journey in a little more detail.

So a while back, I had posted that Jake and I had accepted that we would be done having kids and that we weren’t going to pursue IVF or adoption. And we were both set on that... for about one minute. And then all the “what-ifs” kept popping into our heads and we couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that there might be one more little spirit out there waiting to come into our family. But then we’d be overwhelmed with the thought of the expenses and we’d go through the grief cycle all over again, wondering why on earth this had to happen to us and feeling like we were SO CLOSE to having that other baby and being so angry that we had to make these extremely hard decisions that nobody should ever have to make. 

We were stuck in that place for months, going back and forth. 

We’d feel like we wanted to try for one more baby, so we’d make an appt to meet with the fertility drs and pray to seek answers to our questions. When the answers felt like they weren’t coming, we’d take that to mean that we should be done, and I’d cancel the appt and we’d be sad and then okay and decide we were going to move on, only to then feel unsettled and unable to rest knowing we hadn’t at least tried. So we’d go through that entire cycle all over again... I’d make an appointment, we’d be lost as to what to do, we’d give up on trying to make it happen and then we’d be sad every time we’d see a chunky 9 month old, so we’d give in and start over. 

It was EXHAUSTING and gave me so much insight into the lives of people who have experienced infertility in their lifetime. I want you to know I SEE YOU AND FEEL FOR YOU! I’m sorry you’ve experienced such a painful hole in your heart. Life is not fair!

Finally, after much deliberation and begging Heavenly Father to know what to do without feeling like we were getting any answer back, we decided that we would just go for it. We’d find a way to make it happen financially and knew that when that baby came later on, we’d be so glad we went for it. So we made the appt and met with our fertility drs. In nothing short of a miracle, we soon learned that our insurance was going to pay almost all the costs for the IVF and very expensive medications and we felt like that was a sign that we were definitely moving in the right direction and my heart was so happy knowing that we were going to be able to bring a baby brother or sister into the lives of our kids. When I talked to other people I guarded my heart and downplayed everything about the experience, but deep down I was convinced that we were going to get a baby out of this. I felt like we had taken the steps to move forward after so much anguish and now would be the blessing after the trial of our faith... we so desperately wanted this baby in our family and I felt like it only made sense that God would answer our pleas that we so earnestly asked of him. We even got our kids involved in the process, because Jake and I were convinced it would happen if, as a family, we all wanted it badly enough. 

We jumped wholly onboard. We talked to potential surrogates, we talked to previous gestational carriers, we talked to intended parents who had used surrogacy as their method of family building, we met with a surrogacy lawyer and we got started on meds soon thereafter, all of this taking place in the middle of me starting a new job and my kids starting school. It was a whirlwind!!! But all the while I knew it’d be worth it.

Then one day about a week after I’d been taking the fertility meds, I went in for an ultrasound with a different dr than I normally see and his tone was completely different. He was very straight forward and honest with me and said “I don’t know how to say this any other way than to just be blunt about it, but I really don’t think you’re going to get any eggs. Your ovaries just aren’t responding..” then he went on to explain something about chemo and a hysterectomy destroying my poor little ovaries, but my ears were numb. I was so crushed! I had honestly believed it was going to work if we wanted it badly enough! I’d even shared on my IG the fact that we were doing IVF, because I didn’t want to have to backtrack on our journey once we started on the surrogacy part of it all. 

After the ultrasound, I walked into my nurses office who’d been coaching me through the entire process and I said “I’m trying really hard to hold back tears” she closed the door and said “it’s okay to cry in here” and handed me a box of tissues. I bawled as the wound from last year’s bad news was ripped open all over again. She tried to reassure me that there was still hope, but I knew it was futile. I called Jake, and always the optimist, he tried reassuring me that there was still a chance it might work, but I knew our journey was over. A couple days later we went in and he confirmed that my ovaries for sure were not responding to the meds and that we wouldn’t be able to pursue IVF as an option. He went on to explain that there were still options- that we could use a donor egg, or adopt. But Jake and I had already decided that a fully biological child was the only way we wanted to go. I didn’t want a child created from half the genes of a friend and half those of my husband (awkward...) And Having been through a lot of adoption trauma myself, we both knew that neither of us could deal with that as parents. 

That evening we went to meet with our bishop who shared some words of comfort. He reminded us that sometimes we don’t get the miracle we’re hoping for—that sometimes that miracle comes, just in a completely different way. That’s not what we wanted to hear, but he was right.

The next morning we both woke up with more peace than we’ve felt in years. And that peace has continued since that time. It is incredibly heartbreaking to know that we’re done having children even though we had hoped for more. But we also feel so satisfied knowing that we went through with the IVF and closed that chapter with confidence, so that years down the road we never have to wonder why didn’t at least give it a shot. And the Lord has never once left our sides through this entire journey. I KNOW He lives and that he’s aware of the details. I KNOW He hears and answers prayers and I KNOW that although things don’t always work out the way we expect them to, there is joy to be found in our lives, we just have to look for it. 

I am happier than I’ve ever been. Ever. And normally I’d downplay my experiences and happiness in order not to rub somebody the wrong way and give a false sense of my life being perfect, but I’m also trying to work on living as who I am unapologetically and so that’s what I’m gonna do here. Thanks for allowing me the space to be happy for myself. Also, side note— send me all the chunky 9 month olds!!! I’m serious... you need a sitter, I’M YOUR GIRL!