Let's be real here, depression is a bitch. It runs your life for you, and essentially makes every single decision for you, too. From getting out of bed in the morning, or going to take a shower, even going to work, depression decides it all. But the worst thing about it controlling your life, is just that, it controls you. You lose all feeling and emotion and become an empty, soulless being that just exists. You begin to wonder, "Will this ever end?" Your mind takes you to a harsh, unspeakable place, that you don't think you can ever get out of. So what do you do once you get to this place? Breathe. Do not give in to what your mind tells you, because I can tell you, it's playing tricks with you. You think you want to end it, you think it would be so much better if you weren't in anyone's life anymore, but believe me, that will not solve anything. You see, suicide can't and shouldn't be an answer anymore. You effect everyone you come in contact with in your life, even if you don't realize it. 

Let me say one more thing; I get me saying all of this may not even phase you reading this. You probably think that, "This is just another person who doesn't get it." Right? Well, you'd be wrong. You see, I've been in that position. I've been to that dark place in my mind, and I did let it get the best of me. On Monday September 11th, 2017, I was supposed to start my new job, one that I couldn't wait for and was so excited about. But I woke up, empty. I thought that it would pass after I got ready for the day, but unfortunately, it didn't. As I was leaving my house, I decided that I was going to end it that very morning. I went to my local drug store, and picked out the strongest sleeping pills I could find. As I went to the checkout lane, emotionless and free, all I was thinking was, "This cashier is scanning these pills, not even knowing that I'm going to use them to kill myself." As I was driving home, I thought I'd treat myself one last time. I went to my favorite coffee shop, got my favorite iced coffee, and drove silently and slowly back home. It was now a little passed 9 a.m. and I was supposed to be at work at 8:30, so of course my boss was texting and calling me. But I didn't care anymore, so I shut off my phone, opened the bottles of pills I bought earlier that morning, ingested them with a few gulps of coffee, and laid in bed, waiting for my eternal peace and rest. I took almost 100 sleeping pills, which caused me to hallucinate and black out. My mother came home from work that day to find me in the bath tub, pale, with blue lips and fingers, virtually lifeless. Luckily, the pills I had ingested didn't take my life, though they did do significant damage to my body. I suffered from memory loss for about a week, and still to this day my memory can be a little foggy. 

My point in sharing all of this, isn't to freak anyone out or try to get sympothy for telling a morbid story, it's to spread awareness for a serious subject, that I, and many others, are haunted by everyday of their lives. After you attempt suicide and it doesn't succeed, you don't know what to do. You feel lost, and even more hopeless and alone than before. You feel like you can't beat this. But you can, and you will. The first thing to do to overcome this demon called depression? Ask for help. In that moment of wanting to take your own life, you may think of calling someone, but the depression will alter your mind and tell you to not do it. Fight that thought, fight it as hard as you can, call somebody, and tell them what's going on. Because believe me, as a survivor of a suicide attempt, and a family member of someone who committed suicide, it isn't the answer. Speak up, say how you feel. The depression won't disappear overnight, though it would be profound if it did, but you're fighting it. And you WILL win this battle. Life is amazing, there are so many things you get to experience and have tremendous joy over. Don't give that up.

So, what happens to your life after you attempt to take it? You keep fighting to end your depression, to end the empty, numb feelings. You can start living, instead of feeling like you just exist.