For some reason, I'm in Facebook "jail" for sharing a video and pictures, stating that I'm trying to get too many likes on my content? Well, I'll take that as a good opportunity to bring my writing back to my caring bridge...just coming back to this blog site does something to me. I don't feel alone here, it's my safe place to let my emotions pour out freely. It's where you all got to know Sophia and my family's journey. So here we are again...

The quick link for anyone who doesn't want to read my entire post:

Forever Shining - April 6, 2024 video replay
my 7-year reflection letter - 8:50 mark
sibling spotlight w/Hunter & Chase Bowling - 18:30 mark
Chrissy & Sean Hogan (Kayleigh's parents) - 30min mark
Spotlight speaker Molly Mattocks (Izzy's mom) - 40min mark
Remembrance video with live music by Brendan Keyho and lanterns - 1hr 10min mark (video created & edited by Niko)

Best Day Ever Foundation YouTube channel:
https://youtu.be/oeDlzsF5_SU?si=c6bXATkrzljwdVia

If you didn't see the pictures from Mike Bresnen posted on Facebook, you can view them on our website at
https://www.bestdayeverfoundation.us/forever-shining-community-event-2024/

I've had a few people ask me to share my reflection letter, so here it is.

A little background...Recently, I've felt the urge to begin writing again, and no differently then when I would write in the hospital room alongside Sophia, my feelings and emotions just pour out of my heart onto the keyboard. When I decided to read this at the Forever Shining event, I knew I would have to practice because I couldn't even read it to myself without completely breaking down or getting so choked up I couldn't speak. I even read it to the boys to practice. As tears would begin to fall from my eyes as I'd inevitably choke up, I would look over at the boys...Niko with eyes filled with tears, feeling every word I said. His response, "Mom, how are you going to do this in public?" Then there's Finn. Coaching me by saying, "Mom, you're going to have to hold it together if you're going to do this in front of all those people." He speaks the truth #no filter

I made it through, probably more so from being nervous when I do public speaking. I hope these words help you understand, heal, teach and grow. I know they have for me.

Dear Amy -
I need you sit down.
I have to tell you something...
You’re about to experience the worst day of your life.
It’s not even going to come close to what you might think your biggest nightmare would be
like.
This shouldn’t blindside you, because the doctors told you she was out of options…so you
knew this day was coming, but you didn’t know when exactly. You are going to be in
disbelief, perhaps even denial as it’s happening. and then you’re going to take a blow to the
gutt so hard. You won’t be able to able to breathe. Every sound will be muffled in your
head. You will become uncomfortly numb..

That fear? Yes… I have to tell you your daughter is going to die tomorrow.
It is going to be the deepest pain a soul can bear.
It is going to leave you lost.
It is going to leave you angry.
It is going to leave you empty.
It is going to leave you questioning everything, including your faith. And it is
going to leave you broken beyond comprehension.

Listen to me carefully…
I am here because I need you to know -…… you survive this.
I understand right now it seems absolutely, unimaginably impossible.

I still don't have the answers to all the questions you are going to have - the how's or the
why’s, especially the why’s - but what I can tell you is that seven years later… you are
standing here today.

The number one thing I want you to know is that this is going to take time. So… Much…
Damn… time.
There isn’t one magical grief book, psychic, counselor, or class (and believe me you’re going to
try a ton of them) that will fix you.
There aren’t enough drinks or drugs or any other vice that will make the pain vanish,
although you may try. You will realize that is only a temporary numbing of the pain.

It is going to take a lot of hard work; a billion times harder than anything you’ve ever done.
Because giving up is not an option.
You are not going to get through this because you are "so strong". You’re going to hear that
phrase a lot.
People will give you the sympathetic look as they say, "You are so strong. You are
so much stronger than I could ever be" Or “I can’t imagine.”… That’s
bullshit.
No, strength will not carry you through this one.
You are going to get through it because there is a little girl that you love more than anything
in this galaxy.
And her two brothers who you also love more than anything in this universe.
It is your children’s love that will force you to keep going.
Because you KNOW in your heart, even though she's not physically here anymore, YOU will
ALWAYS STILL be her MOM. You will ALWAYS still have a DAUGHTER. You will ALWAYS still
have 3 children.

And you have to know those things for the rest of YOUR life.

There’s more though…
When you lose your daughter, you will lose yourself too.
The woman you've known for the past 46 years… she dies with her.
You're going to spend a very long time trying to understand this.
You're going to search for the woman you were.
Your marriage will fall apart, when you realize the person who you thought was standing by
your side wasn’t
You will understand your part in it, and you will try to practice forgiveness and grace but then
lose yourself even deeper by trying to stay for the wrong reasons. You will lose other people
too who were once close to you…some family. Some you thought were friends
Your career will seem irrelevant. What’s important to you has completely evolved. You won’t
know who you are anymore

You will beg for your old life..
But like your daughter, these things are not coming back …

With time, a new ‘you’ will eventually emerge.
There will be a rebirth within you.
Parts of the new you will be softer than the old you.
And parts will be much more hardened.
By the way, the new ‘you’ comes without a filter too.. so some should be prepared.

Give her a chance though, she's not so bad once you get to know her.
You’ll have courage to do things, BIG things, you didn’t know you had
You will find peace by allowing yourself to be in silence. Allowing yourself to be alone.
And every once in a while you will see hints and traces of the old you. There is still a piece of
her buried within you at your core.

The pain will change and evolve over time (time - that magical word).
It is so silent you almost don’t notice it at first.
The sharp edges dulling...
Breathing stops hurting with every breath you take.
I’m not saying the pain ever vanishes completely.
There will always be days… be moments …that manage to creep in that will still hurt like hell.
You'll let yourself feel it.
Because You NEED to feel it.
It is confirmation that your daughter was real, not just a beautiful dream.

And After 7 years, you’ll know the importance of surrounding yourself with love and good
people. And The good ones still show up for you, along with so many other special
humans you will meet over the years. you’ll find and feel the joy and happiness in simple
things.
You’ll appreciate the quiet nights with people you love. Laughter will brighten your soul as
you feel the purity of the moment.
Being around good people who are grateful for life’s moments. Who find blessings amongst
the days.
People who bring calmness and peace into your life. Things that help you breath. because you
no longer have the capacity for anything less.

You’ll have more grace, and the ability to walk away …but even moreso the ability to love
stronger, love bigger….because you understand the uncertainty of tomorrow to a different
level.

But There is also one last thing I need to tell you...
You are going to struggle over the years with a weight you’ve been given to carry; a weight
you did not ask for.
A weight to help others who are like you now.

Many times over the years you will not want the burden of it. You’ll be in denial that it’s even
your weight.
Because You want to pretend you are normal. You want to act like you don’t have a dead child
and yet the weight is a constant reminder - you do.
…
It emotionally exhausts you.
You will try repeatedly to unload it, get rid of it, ignore it.
But you can’t.
This weight is a piece of you now.
This weight holds your daughter’s voice.
This weight becomes a part of your purpose.
….
And as much as you hate it, this weight helps you heal too.

The longer we are on this journey, the more we understand this.
But I'm not going to lie to you, after 7 years we still constantly fight an internal battle with it.
I would give anything to go back in time tomorrow, pick us up off that hospital floor and just
hold you.
I would squeeze you so damn tight and whisper into your ear, “I promise with everything
inside of me, one day you are going to be better than you are right now.”

I’d like to think our future self, seven years from now, will want to come back and do the
same thing for us tomorrow.

XOXO, Love,
You