Today is 4 years since I have seen my beautiful boy Alex. It seems like an eternity yet like I just lost him yesterday.   Things throughout every one of  my days make me think of him and honestly sometimes I can smile and laugh and sometimes I just have to cry.  I will never learn how to be ok with my son being gone but I am learning how to put one foot in front of the other to move forward.  I am thankful for my small circle that keep me in check. 

There is a song by King & Country and part of the chorus is this:

“God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you 
God only knows how it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows”

This song is so meaningful to me because God knows it all. He knows my struggles, he knows my sadness, he knows my love for my son and he knows that I am absolutely grateful that I had Alex for 11 years. I could not have asked for a better boy. I am grateful that I got to experience all the things with Alex that I did because I have all those memories and photos that keep me going.  Alex was the light of my life. He was a fun kid to be with, he was funny with all of his pranks, jokes and humor, he was my cooking buddy but most of all he was kind and empathetic.  He was always doing things for others.  Alex was my mini-me and my side kick and my life will never be the same without him. 

Alex battled cancer 4 times, over 7 long years and he will always be my hero for the way he handled it.  Today I will be sad but I am doing my best to do fun things this week that he loved.  If you knew Alex, you knew his love of music.  So tonight we will be attending a concert and I know he will be with me.  Alex also loved magic tricks (he would be the magician and do his tricks for the nurses at CHOA). Friday night we are going to a magic show and I know he will be watching that with me.  We will be squeezing putt putt golf in here somewhere too, he always wanted the hole in ones.  The sky has been radiating orange here at the beach which I can only imagine is him shining down, letting me know he is ok.  Its beautiful and I love to just look at it. 

This is a hard week but I am doing my best to focus on my good memories of us and what an awesome kid I had. Thank you God for giving Alex to me, he was the greatest son.  I will forever be #TeamAlex 

Dear Alex,

I haven’t seen or touched your sweet face in four years.  I can’t believe it’s been that long.  I listened to something not too long ago where a person was given a choice when they got to heaven to stay or come back to earth.  I have thought about this so many times and wonder if you were given that option. I know how much you loved your family but I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to stay in the most glorious place with God and never feel sick again.  It’s ok if you did buddy, I will give you the biggest hug when I get there. 

Alex, you changed my life, you made me a better mom, you made me understand how to truly take care of someone, you made me strong everyday and you made me understand that I had to dig deep even when it was just us.  You just made everybody’s life better by being in it. 

I miss you every day buddy and I hope you send me some of your signs cause mommy surely needs them.  I love you infinity times infinity and if you celebrate anything in heaven make sure you take time to get your balloon I send up to you.  I miss you and I love you forever. 

Mommy