After 4 months of chemotherapy, here we are in my last month of chemo. Wow. I’m kind of blown away. Time has flown and crept by. I had good intentions of extensively documenting this journey… but, looking back, I think that all of the energy that remained after getting my body pumped full of toxic chemicals was put into being a mom, a wife, a sister, a nurse and a friend. I continued to work, we continued to do all the things as a family in order to keep things as “normal” as possible and I mostly just willed myself to make it to bedtime so I could crash. I just didn’t have the energy or time left to really document the way I wanted to. I’m so sorry for that.

I know so many of you have been cheering me along. I received all the gifts and the heartfelt notes. The food you’ve provided has nourished my body and fed my family on days that I didn’t have to energy to make something. The beanies have kept my noggin warm and the shirts have encouraged me to continue strong in this fight. The bracelets made, the money raised and the money sent- it helps more than you know. Just one month of chemo was $1000. The gifts for my children, ugh!, I can’t thank you enough. They put smiles on their faces when we needed it the most. They have been troopers through all this. Smart enough to understand that something is going on and sweet enough to do what they can to take care of their momma. Addie leaves me love notes, kisses my head and tells me to rest on bad days; handmade me a scarf to keep me warm and overall is just an amazing kid most of the time. Jay doesn’t quite understand fully of course and is still a wild man. He honestly thinks his mama is a jungle gym, a marathoner  in a tickle fight and his personal carrying chauffeur. And why wouldn’t he? Just a few months ago I was all those things and more.

Many of you have commented on my strength and how well I have handled all this so far. I really do thank the good Lord for how well I have done; however, I think I’ve been lucky because I don’t really have the option to slow down or stop. It’s kept me going, it’s kept me functional and I honestly think if I would’ve spent more time down that my mental and physical health really would have suffered.

If you’ve never had cancer or been a support person for someone with cancer than you may think that after chemo or after surgery that the “battle” is over. I’ve learned that that is far from the truth. If all goes as planned, my last chemo will be December 23rd. Four to 6 weeks later I will have a double mastectomy in Baltimore. At that time expanders will be placed under my skin which can be blown up or deflated based on what is needed at the time. I have been told that these are awful. (“This too shall pass” on repeat in my brain.) A few weeks after that I hope to be back to work. Radiation will start after surgery. That will be five days a week for about a month. During that time I will start on medications that will put me in a drug induced menopause for at least 10 years. One is them is a shot I will get in my bum every 28 days. So if you see me in public stripping off layers or fanning myself, just know that this is my new normal behavior.

This is certainly not what I envisioned life to be like at this stage. Jameson was two, we were weaning from breastfeeding; after 6 years of being a vessel for growing humans and of being their main source of nutrition, it was time to finally “get my body back” and to figure out who I was again. We had dreams of traveling as a family and of going on adventures together. That’s all been put on hold. I plan to resume that at some point and to still live out our dreams, but, if I’m being honest, things will never really be the same. To a certain degree I mourn these things. Cancer has changed me forever- although it’s not all bad. I’ve learned to live intentionally and to cherish all the moments. I’ve made some of the most incredible friends; people I certainly would have never met had cancer never been a part of my story. Because of the struggles, the beautiful moments of life are that much better. I pray every day that this is just a part of my story and not the whole thing. Please continue to pray for that too. I love you all.