To the few who don’t have social media, I’ll try to always post on here as well. Ryan's 1 month(3-27-20) Heavenversay(yesterday) post.

Today marks Ryan’s 1 month Heavenversary.  Missing and loving you Babe!  Grateful that God and your parents blessed and trusted in me to love you unconditionally.  And I'm so very grateful for our kiddos and the time we had together as a family.  

 

As my heart, mind and soul continue to grieve I try to keep busy.  One of the ways I spend my time is through writing(or typing).  The words seem to come to me at the most inconvenient times, but when they come they speak volumes.  I grab my phone(even if it is 1:00 am in the morning) and start typing in my notes.  There are things I have lost, things I have not lost and things I need to focus on.  

 

The things I’ve Lost……..

Loss of Companionship

-I’m alone.  I miss the cuddles, hand holding, hugs, kisses, the simple touch(oh, the touch…..I’d do anything for the touch) and specifically Ryan’s genuine LOVE.

 

Loss Of Identity

-Wife and now I am not

-Loved and adored by a man I loved and adored and now I am not

-I had a best friend, a co-parent, lover and now he is gone

-We were a couple and now I am single

-We were a complete family.  A family of 6.  And now we are a broken family of 5.

-I never spoke in “I”.  We became 1 in marriage.  Ryan and I always spoke, “We”(will meet you there) or “Our”(kids, house).  

 

Loss of Future Plans/Dreams

-Retirement on the Beach

-Travel

-Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet

-Grandparenting Together

-Growing Old Together

 

Meaning & Purpose

Those 2 words just sum it up.  I need to do some major soul searching.

 

Although, I have NOT Lost………

My Faith

-I trusted in the plan.  His plans are always better than mine.  The strength God and Ryan taught me and gave me was more strength than I ever thought possible.

Everyone would ask, “how can you be so strong?” or state, “you’re so strong!”  I found myself asking myself that very same question sometimes.  All I can say, faith and trust my loved ones, faith and trust.  There is just no other way to explain it unless you experience it.  

The following song and bible verse played a huge role in my daily life.

Song: Thy Will by Hillary Scott

Scripture: She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of future.  -Proverbs 31:25

 

Our Children

They are the ones that are keeping me surviving.  They need me, but I need them so much more right now.

 

Family and Friends

-I really dislike asking for help or having to rely on others, but I have been and will continue to need help.  

-I know no matter how rough things get, our family and friends will not let us fall.

-The kids and I are completely surrounded by a swarm of people who love us. 

 

FOCUS  

-I will focus on what I have not lost.  I will have faith in God’s plan wherever he may lead me.