Robert’s Story

Site created on December 8, 2021

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Journal entry by Robert Hillary

Tonight will be my Caringbridge entry on a journey that ironically began 2 years ago today when we learned that Steve had metastatic cancer. On that day, we didn't know the primary cancer or the gravity of the diagnosis..we just knew that our retirement dreams and our life as we knew it, were about to take a detour. 

You may know, when Steve made a decision to leave the hospital on palliative care, he told the Dr and the Priest that he would like to live long enough to get to the St. Patrick's parade at the Lake of the Ozarks. He and I had attended that parade for many years and considered it the kick off our summer lake season. Some years it was warm. Some years it was rainy. Some years it was cold. But each year, Steve and I would don our green attire and tailgate with our lake friends. It was so fun and a tradition that he just wanted to do one last time. Well as you know, that didn't happen but today, Casey and Jenna, Sawyer and I, along with our friends, celebrated Steve one last time. (See Pictures). It was a bit windy but we dodged the rain and put Steve front and center. We all know though, that he has the best seat in the house at this and all future events!.

I wanted to also tell how things have been going since his death but first need to give you a little back story on two instances that have given me great comfort.  

When we moved to our Villa in Coralville last April, Steve installed 2 bird feeders in our back yard. Steve's mom and our friend, Pat, fed the birds all the time but it was something I never appreciated because I don't like bird poop on my patio so it never happened in the past at my house. But at our new house, Steve wanted a feeder so I bought a beautiful red one, and subsequently we added a tube feeder. Over the past year, we have had a daily visit from 3 deer, 3 turkey, one beautiful vibrant blue bird and a bright red, cardinal, along with a host of various other birds. But, I love red and that red bird against the white snow which we had much of this winter, really stood out. In the last week or so of Steve's life, I said to him....."you know when you get to heaven, you should really send that cardinal a friend because if one looks good against that snow, two would look even better." The morning after Steve passed away, I went to the window immediately and looked out. I continued to look out many times. Only still just one red bird. Steve died on Tuesday night and the first time all the kids, Jenna, Abe and I were together was on Saturday morning when everyone met at my home for brunch before driving to Mason City to prepare for the funeral. We had just said the meal blessing when Casey looked out and said,"Look at that, I have never seen 2 cardinals out there." Wow! He waited until our complete family was together and made that happen. What a moment!

Secondly, when Steve came home from the hospital for the final time and we had made the kids aware of the gravity of his illness and that he was nearing the end of his life, he reminded them that one of his favorite movies was Forrest Gump and sent Emmi a You Tube clip from the movie when Forrest finds out his mom is sick which ultimately leads to the famous line, "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get."
The night of Steve's second funeral and burial, the kids all drove into St Louis and met Steve's sisters at a bar for dinner and to toast Steve one final time. When they walked in, guess what was playing on the TV? Yep, Forrest Gump. I had stayed back at my mom's and imagine my surprise when I received a text and picture of the TV from Em. Wow!

A few years ago I would have said, "what a coincidence," but after doing a bible study series on the Power of the Holy Spirit, there is no doubt why these 2 events happened. God is so good! He knows just what the kids and I need to get through these tough days. 

One of the toughest days I had was driving back home alone from Missouri and walking into my villa without him and knowing that this was the new normal. Then I got to experience that again when I walked into my lake condo alone this week for the first time in months. This was after walking into a flooded furnace room that morning from a defective water heater in my one year old home, discovering my American Express card was declined on the way down while trying to pay for gas, which I learned after getting to the condo was because, "we were notified by a third party that the primary card holder had died." Then I discovered my Master card was immediately cancelled for the same reason. Then I discovered that I couldn't control my thermostat because my wifi was out at my condo and after an hour of trying to figure it out and being on the phone, finally got it reset. Yep, this is my new normal. I thought to myself, "this is like trying to eat an elephant one bite at a time."  

But today, my boys and Jenna are with me (weather kept Emmi and Abe in Iowa, sadly), Steve got to the parade and I will be ok because I have faith in our Lord to see me through and I know this because in Matthew, 17:20 we are told that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible. I will continue to place my trust in HIM to carry me through. I find myself grieving not only for his loss, but for the loss of our retirement plans, future parades, being by my side at my next volunteer project, figuring out my wifi and computer woes, being grandparents, etc. I will remain faithful to the Lord's plan. I have had tough moments in each of the days since Steve has passed but I allow myself a moment or two to cry, dust myself off and continue to take a bite out of that elephant. 

I can't thank you enough. I am working my way through a huge stack of cards...almost 400. I will continue to get through them, reading each beautifully written message. If you recall at the onset of his illness, Steve said that if his suffering would bring one person to the Lord, his suffering would all be worth it. It is very apparent from reading these cards, text messages, etc., he has changed the spiritual life of many and for that, I am grateful. If you missed the Epiphany Parish Live Stream of his funeral, I would suggest you go to Facebook page (Feb 21) and listen to Fr Neil's homily and the message I spoke at the end. He suffered, wow did he suffer, but he did it for me, my children, each of you. Don't let his suffering be wasted. Don't let the rest of your life be one that doesn't give all praise and glory to our Lord. Keep Steve's message alive. Lent/Easter is a perfect time for that new start. I challenge you to Be Steve Strong!  

I will forever remain grateful for the privilege of being his wife and for the growth of my faith life because of his illness. I am equally grateful for each of you and your kindness shown to him during his illness and the children and me since his passing. Thank you.

Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
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