Today Rich would have turned 50.  It seems so much more tragic to me that he died just shy of a milestone birthday. Why that is, I don’t know.  It just adds to the unfairness of it all, I guess.  The fact he is gone from our world still blows my mind and rips me to pieces every single day. 

Even though I’ve cleaned out his clothes, switched out his coffee maker for a Keurig (I’m hopeless at making coffee) and made lots of other small adjustments around the house, I keep having to remind myself that I won’t see him again in this lifetime.  It feels like a kick in the stomach when the haziness of my grief clears momentarily and the reality that he’s really not coming home hits me.  Hard.  I will not hug or talk to him again (although to be honest I think I talk to him more now than I did when he was here).  Our girls will live their lives without him – making memories he should have been a part of.  I tell myself I should move his wedding ring and reading glasses from his nightstand where he left them (his finger was still too thin to wear his ring), but I can’t bring myself to do it.  As if that act alone would make this whole nightmare permanent.  I find myself staring at pictures of him to soak in every detail and remember our lives at that very moment.  How did it end like this?  

But today is not about grief and separation.  It’s about celebrating Rich and the life he lived.  I hope you will join me.  Your comments mean a lot to all of us, so please don’t hesitate for one moment even if you didn’t know Rich well.  I will be downloading all of the posts and comments from this site to keep for our girls so when they’re older they can read about how hard he fought and how much he was loved – and by so many.  I’ve also added a few photos to the gallery of happier times. 

Rich was a straightforward guy.  He told you what he thought.  There wasn’t much grey area with him.  He was smart and stubborn.  Fun and relaxed.  Well-read and a great writer. There were no airs about him.  He held his family close and had a group of lifelong friends he was in touch with daily.  Researching and documenting his family history was a passion.  He would debate anything and everything – always offering a contrary view just for the sake of it.  He wasn’t the center of attention, but he added a lot of fun to the party.  He was the BEST father to our two girls.  And within the first few minutes of meeting him you would know he was from Pittsburgh.  He would likely be wearing something black and gold…and if you asked him about where he came from, he would light up talking about Oakmont, Shady Side Academy and Pittsburgh sports…it ran through his veins. 

Today I am doing my best to honor and celebrate Rich by writing a bit about what I think of when I think of him and the person he was.  So here goes…when I think of Rich, in no particular order, I think of:

Steeler Tailgating – It didn’t matter how cold it was, he was always more than ready.  He never felt the cold.  Getting to the lot early was the first (and way too early) priority of the day.  Always with Irv and Smokey Joe (the grill).  Throughout the morning others would join (the most fun was when the full crew was in town), the grill would be going the whole time and drinks would be flowing.  Rich introduced me to the barrel of fire and I ate venison for the first time at a Steeler tailgate (hunting country).  I loved walking in with Rich.  I think because he was at his most animated – yelling “here we go” to other fans as we made our way through the lots – and the anticipation of a Steeler game made him purely happy.  Once the game started Rich never took his eyes off the field.  He was all business.  I can see him now leaning forward on the edge of his seat, elbows on knees, yelling “DE-FENSE” through gloved hands. That image is so clear.  The family has six season tickets.  I had pleaded for years to trade some of the tickets for club level seats where we could step inside to warm up occasionally.  Sarah and Beth were open to it, but it never happened because Rich wouldn’t have any of it.  He shut down the conversation every single time.  There was no other option in his mind other than to sit in the freezing cold where the “real fans” sit.     

Grill Master.  He made the most amazing burgers – lately he was adding horseradish to the mix and the subtle zing was delicious.  He was a meat and potatoes guy – steak, baked potato and corn on the cob was his idea of the perfect summer meal (all done on the grill).  He wasn’t as pleased when grilling included veggies or shrimp, but he would appease me and always did an excellent job.  He grilled everything from lamb on Easter to hot dogs for a quick lunch.  We had taken to regularly grilling on Sunday evenings.  I’d pick up aged ground beef from our local butcher with fresh baked burger buns.  It was a perfect way to end the hectic weekends.  I miss those nights so much. 

Patience – I always admired Rich’s level of patience.  No matter what project he was working on, he kept going until it was right.  He was undeterred if things didn’t work out initially as he had expected.  Instead of getting frustrated he just ordered the next part or whatever it was that needed to happen.  He was smart and thorough and just liked to figure things out.  He had endless patience with the girls…and with me too (although anyone who knows me knows I require very little patience. 😊).  

Judgement Free Zone – Rich didn’t pass judgement…on what you looked like, where you came from, how much money you had (or didn’t have), what you believed in.  He was clear in his own views and although he didn’t care to hear much about certain topics, such as faith, he didn’t think differently about anyone for their beliefs.  Unless you were praising the Patriots – that was a different story.  Material things didn’t impress him much.  And he definitely didn’t think twice about what people wore.  This extended to him too.  The number of disagreements we had over attire is embarrassing. “You’re wearing that?!” was a frequent comment from me.  Levi’s were his favorite brand of jeans and I couldn’t change that no matter how hard I tried.  In recent years I finally got him to switch to a more modern cut, but for the longest time it was the old-school, tapered style and it was not OK (by me).  But that was Rich and he didn’t see any point in changing.  He would say, “They’re comfortable and that’s all that matters.  They still make them for a reason, Allison…”

My Favorite Bartender – Rich was a bartender for a period of time before I met him back in Pittsburgh.  He made a great cocktail no matter what was requested.  He had a heavy pour.  His G&Ts were top notch.  When we were young, we used to love going to our local haunt in Stamford after work to talk about life and our plans over dry gin martinis.  Our favorites were at The Dukes in London…we never missed an opportunity to go.  We even stopped in on the night he proposed.  He loved a cold beer but more typically he enjoyed a good scotch or bourbon, light rocks (one cube). Manhattans were a favorite too.    

Diet. What Diet?! – When it came to food, his favorites included hot dogs (with mustard, never ketchup), red meat (strip steak was a favorite), potato chips (Pringles – are they even potatoes?!), pretzels, pop tarts, pancakes, bacon, english muffins, chicken or meatball parmesan grinders, chili, tacos, General Tso’s chicken. Veggies were primarily peas and corn. Never ever broccoli. He did a lot of our weeknight cooking and did his best to make them healthy for me. Due to his love of anything artery-clogging I’ll forever be thankful that he introduced me to Primanti’s on my first visit to Pittsburgh. We would always try to fit in a stop whenever we were in town. Once we called a cab from our hotel after a friend’s wedding to grab Primanti’s in the Strip (the best one in his opinion). We would make Primanti’s sandwiches at home prior to the season opener or other big games (but he had to be done before kickoff – he wouldn’t eat while the game was on – he had to be fully focused).  I was getting very close to perfecting the slaw.  He also loved “The O.” I didn’t share the love, but he would take Emma – or just stop by on his own when were in the ‘Burgh.  It closed recently and I know he would have been really sad to see it.  Mineo’s was his favorite Pittsburgh pizza….pepperoni, of course.  Pamela’s for pancakes.  All of this is not to say he was reckless with his diet.  He had a very restrictive diet over the last year and he stuck to it without complaint.  Although he wasn’t disappointed that it didn’t include an abundance of greens. 

Pittsburgh Sports – I can’t do his love justice.  His home office is filled with signed Pittsburgh sports memorabilia from helmets to hockey sticks, baseballs to photographs. 

The Steelers were life.  He knew everything – stats going way back, a mind-boggling amount of specific plays from so many games…it was his favorite topic of conversation.  And for all that passion he was surprisingly good at not letting a bad loss impact his mood with the family.  That always impressed me.  I think often about our last trip to Pittsburgh over Thanksgiving.  There was a home game on Sunday, and I had said we were going to have to miss it.  I had been traveling and was due back in NYC on Monday morning which meant a very early start for me.  He said that was fine.  Well, unfortunately soon after we arrived, he became suddenly ill and was hospitalized.  He died shortly thereafter.  When I was packing up his things to head home, I found his tailgating gear in his suitcase.  It was perfect.  I had to laugh.  I’m not sure how he thought it was going to work out logistically or when he was going to mention it, but he was ready and was planning to go to that game. I often wear the shirt he had packed for the game.

The Pens…Mario Lemieux (I can’t tell you how much I know about him…and it’s not because I had much interest, but if you were around Rich you learned a lot about Mario)..and Sid the Kid, Malkin…the list goes on.  We went to see them play at MSG a while back.  Before the game we went to dinner – one of my favorite meals of all time.  We had plans to go back to that restaurant after Christmas.  I’ll forever wish I could enjoy that dinner again, but I’ll never go without him.  One thing he would like to remind me of when I complained about the seemingly never-ending hockey season was that the Stanley Cup was the most difficult title/trophy to win in all of sports.  He loved his story about going out to the airport to see the team arrive home with the Cup back when he was younger. 

And the Pirates…there is a brick with his name on it outside the stadium near his favorite player’s statue, Willie Stargell.  We pointed it out to the girls when we brought them to a game a couple of years ago.  Rich and I loved going to baseball games together – both the Yankees and Pirates – what’s better than a good day at the ballpark…not much.

Pittsburgh sports are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I will forever be a fan and thankful that I experienced it with him.  It also served as a year-round topic of conversation with his family and lifelong friends.  Constant texts, fantasy teams, calls during games...all silent now.    

Pittsburgh – He was Pittsburgh through and through.  Every time we drove to Pittsburgh, he would glance over as we passed the bridge to Oakmont.  He loved to drive the girls and me through Oakmont and the two houses where he grew up, showing us where he went to school, etc. He really enjoyed golf and learned to play at Oakmont Country Club. Watching golf – especially the final round of a major was one of our favorite ways to spend a lazy Sunday.  He always talked of going when Oakmont hosted the US Open, but never made it.  He also took every opportunity to drive us through Shady Side Academy (it was actually getting to be a bit too much) and talk about his days there.  He was so proud of Pittsburgh and was happy to show it off to anyone….he’d ensure you knew Heinz (the only ketchup allowed in our house) was Pittsburgh-born, and Mr. Rogers.  The perspective of downtown that bursts into view as you drive through the Fort Pitt tunnel was a favorite of his.  It is spectacular.  Riding the Incline.  I’ll miss driving around Pittsburgh with Rich.  He knew how to navigate all the neighborhoods and bridges and pointed things out along the way.  Kennywood…he brought me during my first trip to Pittsburgh and we’ve gone so many times since.  That first visit we took a chair lift from the parking lot into the park.  It was the only time in all these years that it was open, and I thought it was the greatest way to enter a park – EVER.  I was hooked.  He never missed riding the Thunderbolt – and recently rode it with Emma – or stopping for Potato Patch fries.  We’ve had so many good times in the ‘Burgh with family and friends over the years.  Weddings, our post-wedding celebration at PNC Park, holidays, Sip & Sees for our girls, Kennywood, Bon Jovi, Fox Chapel Racquet Club, Fourth of July (the only way to do the 4th is in Pittsburgh), countless good times with friends, The Steelers and Pirates…too many to list.  Pittsburgh will never be the same without him.   

Bl – How do I do the Block without Rich?  I’ve been going since before I could walk, but so many of my happiest memories are wrapped up in our times out there together – including our wedding.  One of the best days of our lives.  This past September Rich told me he had booked a suite at the Spring House.  I wasn’t thrilled…thought it was extravagant.  But he was adamant that we go and bring the girls.  Since the first time I brought Rich to the Block, I sat with him on my favorite porch and told him my silly future vision of having two girls in white dresses running around the lawn while my husband and I sipped martinis on the porch on the white wicker couches.  Well, on that trip in September – the first time we brought the girls with us – Rich made that happen.  It was effortless and so perfect.  Exactly how I had envisioned it.  He gave me the greatest gift of being together on the island with our girls – sharing with them a place that was so special to us and so much a part of our history as a couple.  We had such a wonderful time. We walked, ate ice cream, drank homemade lemonade, played at the playground, ate great food, bought lacrosse sticks for Rich and Emma to play on the expansive lawn, rolled down the hill, sat by the fire after dinner.  It was perfect.  Thank you, Rich, for knowing better than I that we needed to go. 

Fighter – I’m not going to say much here because I’ll have to go to a place where I don’t want to today, but it is something that I think of often.  Rich was one of the strongest people both mentally and physically that I’ve ever known.  I wouldn’t have seen that side of him fully if he wasn’t faced with two bouts of aggressive cancer, a bone marrow treatment, kidney failure and then his final battle.  The fight stripped his life of a lot over the last two years as he had to focus more inwardly, but he was like a bull.  He might go down, but he wasn’t going to give up…and he never did.   

Husband – There isn’t anyone else I would have wanted to be by my side these last 20 years.  We supported each other’s goals, held the other up when things got tough and had two amazing girls together.  Rich saw us as equals.  He very rarely questioned me or my judgement.  He trusted that I was making good decisions for us and the girls.  He would roll his eyes or laugh if I my friends and I had a drink too many and danced like fools, but he wouldn’t comment.  He had my back.  He put providing for his family ahead of his own health, at times, because supporting us financially meant a lot to him.  Cancer and chronic illness strained our relationship, as did having two careers and two girls with crazy schedules to manage.  But we were a team.  We were at our best when we had time to talk – just the two of us.  Over a drink or even in a hospital – we would easily come back to “us” during those times, stripping away what put us on edge with one another when we didn’t have time to focus.  I don’t know how I do this life without him.    

Father – Rich was the greatest father – something that meant the world to him.  He was so silly with the girls, played their games, had funny sayings, tossed them in leaf piles, took them sledding, shot hoops, took walks, spoiled them with love and milkshakes.  His greatest fear was dying young and having them miss out on him being in their lives and vice-versa.  I can make peace with a lot of what has happened, but this shatters me.  I try to convince myself that he has a perspective now that brings him peace.  There is no doubt our girls will miss out on a love like no other, but I will be telling them of his love and about the man he was until my last breath. 

Rich – This only begins to describe the person you were.  I just don’t have the words to do you justice.  I’m tired from missing you so much and trying to put our lives back together.  I wish more than anything that we were in Pittsburgh today with your mom and Sarah, the rest of the family and our friends celebrating your 50th – and everything you have achieved and overcome.  We still had health hurdles ahead of us, but between my tenacity and your strength, there was no better team than us…I believe we would have prevailed.  You were stronger and braver than I could have been – I was in awe of you as you fought so incredibly hard to stay with us.  I love you and I’m sorry that we couldn’t keep you with us for longer.  We tried so hard.  Until we meet again, I’ll keep you alive in my heart and in the hearts of the girls.  We’ll visit the places you loved and talk about you often.  We’ll eat the food that reminds us of you even if it means we skip veggies for a meal or two.  I am picturing you with your father – and finally meeting mine – and having a great time together along with all those you loved and lost.  Reunited, fully healthy and completely happy…surrounded by love.  You deserve it.

I love you.