Journal entry by Rachael Wyley —
It has been 12 days since my surgery and I have been home for the past week, working on recovering and learning to "be still." I have started to write this post multiple times over the past week, but have struggled to put my emotions and thoughts and experience into words. There have been moments of tears, excruciating pain, grief and sadness but also moments of joy, laughter, gratitude and deep love.
I truly can't thank you all enough for your kind words of encouragement, positive thoughts and supportive prayers! I believe with all that is within me that the speed and success of my surgery was a direct result of all of these things.
My surgery which was supposed to take roughly 8-12 hours only took 5 hours! We were all so very happy and shocked by this. I stayed in the ICU from Friday to Sunday morning at which point I was downgraded and then released on Monday at noon. My doctors and nurses were the best and were also amazed at how quickly my body was starting to heal. Pain is getting better each day and being managed with meds and some light walking.
I shed tears when I looked at my "new body" for the first time. And yet, also felt such gratitude when I looked in the mirror. I now bear the scars of a survivor and these scars will serve as a reminder of the surgery that saved my life.
This brings me to the phone call I received last week from my breast surgeon with my pathology results:
This news was the best news we could have possibly hoped or prayed for. Aaron and I and our family were overjoyed and so relieved by these results. And yet, there was a deep sense of sadness and loss within me. I think finally getting this information allowed me to exhale a breath that I had been holding for the past 2 months. A breath that I didn't even realize I had been holding that was full of so many emotions. With that exhale came relief and gratitude, but also a deep sense of sadness, grief and anger that I hadn't yet felt (or maybe allowed myself to feel). And suddenly, the tears fell and I was mad at cancer. Mad that cancer had taken the life of my Dad, my Aunt, and close friends. Mad that my other Aunt is battling cancer that isn't curable, but is being painfully managed. Mad that our dear friends are fighting a cancer battle that is also being "managed" but not cured. Mad that so many women (and some men) have and are battling breast cancer and that I now belong within this group. And, I voiced all of that anger in my safe place with my family and with God.
And then I felt guilt, guilt that a survivor feels. Guilt that comes from comparison and seeing so many others that have suffered and gone before me. Seeing my very dear friends that are battling cancer right now, that don't have the same options that I had. They are fighting a battle that is full of toxic medicines, so much pain and so much loss. And still, I see joy and love within them and a grace like none other. And, my heart breaks and I question, "why do some have easier paths than others?" And then my family and sweet friends remind me to not discount my battle as easy, to be still and sit with the grief and the loss and the pain and to recognize that everyone has a story to tell.
And then God whispers gently to me, That all of our stories are different, but they are not to be compared, but to be embraced by us individually and to be honored by all and to be an example of joy in the midst of suffering, peace in the midst of sorrow, and unending love in the midst of despair and grief.
My journey is still continuing as my body continues to heal. I will have at least 2 more surgeries to complete the reconstruction process over the next 3-12 months. Tomorrow, I meet, for the first time, with my Oncologist doctor who will discuss with us, the long term care options for a preventative treatment plan. Since my cancer feeds and grows from the Estrogen hormone, I will most likely be put on endocrine therapy to block all hormone production for 5-10 years.
I will continue to write out my thoughts as I journey through this and walk through this life, as I have found it to be very therapeutic. I am looking more for a blog type setting moving forward and will keep you posted, should you want to follow along.
Life is so rich and full of joy, especially in the midst of our trials. May we learn to embrace our own stories and not devalue them and share these stories with pride and courage to others in need. My prayer is that all of our stories will weave together a blanket of hope, grace and love for a hurting world.
With love and deep gratitude,
Rachael
P.S. Two songs for you this week 😊 - Ain't No Grave and Wonder
I truly can't thank you all enough for your kind words of encouragement, positive thoughts and supportive prayers! I believe with all that is within me that the speed and success of my surgery was a direct result of all of these things.
My surgery which was supposed to take roughly 8-12 hours only took 5 hours! We were all so very happy and shocked by this. I stayed in the ICU from Friday to Sunday morning at which point I was downgraded and then released on Monday at noon. My doctors and nurses were the best and were also amazed at how quickly my body was starting to heal. Pain is getting better each day and being managed with meds and some light walking.
I shed tears when I looked at my "new body" for the first time. And yet, also felt such gratitude when I looked in the mirror. I now bear the scars of a survivor and these scars will serve as a reminder of the surgery that saved my life.
This brings me to the phone call I received last week from my breast surgeon with my pathology results:
- All cancer (DCIS) areas where removed. The pathology report showed that the cancer cells that were forming, were somewhat aggressive in nature and composition. So, it was a good thing that they are all gone!
- The cancer was still contained within the ducts (no breakthrough to other tissue).
- All lymph nodes that were tested came back cancer free (the cancer hadn't spread).
- I will not need Chemotherapy or Radiation.
This news was the best news we could have possibly hoped or prayed for. Aaron and I and our family were overjoyed and so relieved by these results. And yet, there was a deep sense of sadness and loss within me. I think finally getting this information allowed me to exhale a breath that I had been holding for the past 2 months. A breath that I didn't even realize I had been holding that was full of so many emotions. With that exhale came relief and gratitude, but also a deep sense of sadness, grief and anger that I hadn't yet felt (or maybe allowed myself to feel). And suddenly, the tears fell and I was mad at cancer. Mad that cancer had taken the life of my Dad, my Aunt, and close friends. Mad that my other Aunt is battling cancer that isn't curable, but is being painfully managed. Mad that our dear friends are fighting a cancer battle that is also being "managed" but not cured. Mad that so many women (and some men) have and are battling breast cancer and that I now belong within this group. And, I voiced all of that anger in my safe place with my family and with God.
And then I felt guilt, guilt that a survivor feels. Guilt that comes from comparison and seeing so many others that have suffered and gone before me. Seeing my very dear friends that are battling cancer right now, that don't have the same options that I had. They are fighting a battle that is full of toxic medicines, so much pain and so much loss. And still, I see joy and love within them and a grace like none other. And, my heart breaks and I question, "why do some have easier paths than others?" And then my family and sweet friends remind me to not discount my battle as easy, to be still and sit with the grief and the loss and the pain and to recognize that everyone has a story to tell.
And then God whispers gently to me, That all of our stories are different, but they are not to be compared, but to be embraced by us individually and to be honored by all and to be an example of joy in the midst of suffering, peace in the midst of sorrow, and unending love in the midst of despair and grief.
My journey is still continuing as my body continues to heal. I will have at least 2 more surgeries to complete the reconstruction process over the next 3-12 months. Tomorrow, I meet, for the first time, with my Oncologist doctor who will discuss with us, the long term care options for a preventative treatment plan. Since my cancer feeds and grows from the Estrogen hormone, I will most likely be put on endocrine therapy to block all hormone production for 5-10 years.
I will continue to write out my thoughts as I journey through this and walk through this life, as I have found it to be very therapeutic. I am looking more for a blog type setting moving forward and will keep you posted, should you want to follow along.
Life is so rich and full of joy, especially in the midst of our trials. May we learn to embrace our own stories and not devalue them and share these stories with pride and courage to others in need. My prayer is that all of our stories will weave together a blanket of hope, grace and love for a hurting world.
With love and deep gratitude,
Rachael
P.S. Two songs for you this week 😊 - Ain't No Grave and Wonder
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