Philip’s Story

Site created on December 9, 2012

We've created it to keep friends and family updated. We appreciate your support and words of hope and encouragement during this time when it matters most.



Philip had been complaining of increasingly intense joint and muscle pains and growing fatigue for the last eight months. He went for all of his blood work. It was all good. He had upper and lower endoscopies and those showed nothing untoward. His thyroid and Vitamin D were checked, etc., etc., etc. Our family doctor actually committed suicide (with her husband, and no one knows why yet) in the passage of time, and it took us a month and a  half or two months to get in with her replacement. He ordered an x-ray. They saw a mass in Philip's upper left lung, so immediately ordered a C-T scan. That scan showed the cancer, but we were not certain it was cancer until the pulmonologist's bronchoscopy on Friday, December 7. The Buddha's Enlightenment Day came and went. They saw cancer.

They saw big cancer. Philip had a massive tumor in his upper left lung where he had once sustained a lab accident when he worked as a chemist, breathing in toxic chemicals. That was the year about 30 years ago when his asthma began. When we looked at the C-T scan, we could see that it was littered with cancer, as if someone had spattered the pulmonary area with a paintbrush. The cancer had also spread to his left femur, his spine and his lymph nodes. Inoperable.

We are under the care of Care Partners Hospice now. Philip needs to walk with a cane, as it appears the cancer has spread to his other leg. For a while, his pain was uppermost, (a nightmare) but when we secured the services of Hospice, they were able to prescribe just the right medications to manage Philip's chronic pain. He still has daily breakthrough pain, for which we have handy breakthrough meds. His mind is clear and his spirits are extraordinary. Philip is effervescent. His motto is, "Expecting nothing, I am ready for everything." His other motto is, "We're allowing this thing to unfold in beauty."

From the beginning, there was to be no fighting. No battle in the temple of his own body. Our friends who are many in the healing arts offer their services pro bono. There is a permanent massage table in our zendo. The community has rallied.Friends have been completely loving and supportive in every way with love messages, tributes to Philip, food, healing, flowers, errands, putting up hundreds of twinkle lights in the garden, planting the window boxes with pansies, now creating a Jizo garden in Philip's honor -- such an outpouring of help comes every single day. Philip is highly respected and much-adored husband, Zen teacher, father, stepfather, brother, and friend.

Our daughter Laura has been with us most of the time, moving into Cloud Cottage away from her family in Greensboro, to devote her life to helping us during this time. Our gratitude to her is unspeakable. And to Chris, her generous husband, for lending her to us.

There were no positive markers that indicated chemo would be of any help. We have decided against chemo. Philip has had palliative radiation in his left leg, to forestall a break. He is now undergoing palliative radiation for his lumbar spine, which seems to be helping. Other than that, no conventional treatment. We were turned down by Cancer Treatment Centers of America's Southwestern facility in Tulsa. Also an alternative treatment we researched and explored for weeks did not work out for Philip.  Please check the Journal for daily updates, and leave a message on the Guestbook. Thank you, dear family and friends, for demonstrating true community.

In the presence and with the help of our true community, Philip died peacefully in his bed around noon on Monday, March 4. I noted that just before he took his last breath, he was panting, the kind of breath that reminded me of childbirth. In spirit, he visited many of our friends as he lay actively dying, out of any misery. Among his last actions, he stood up out of his bed, and held our daughters and me in his arms for a long, long, hug and many kisses. Among his last words were, "Warm sand, silk-blue sky."

Thank you for visiting our site!

Newest Update

Journal entry by Judith Toy

https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/judith-toy.html?tab=blog
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