Today marks the 1 year Anniversary of Paul’s stroke, and the beginning of a new normal for us. 

I wish I could say that 365 days has made everything easier, unfortunately, it hasn’t. It HAS made our day to day, more predictable, and a little less stressful, as we have settled into our new normal. I would be lying if I didn’t say how much I miss our old life. I still struggle to embrace this life of unknowns. With Gods help, I know things will be ok, even if they are not the ok I want. 

You never know how strong you are, until you break. I remember one of the nurses telling  me, “It’s ok, to not be ok.” In my ignorance, in that moment, I thought, “I’ve got this, God is good, no reason to cry, I am strong, it could be so much worse.” In the days, weeks, and months that followed. I learned, it really is ok, to not be ok. 

Covid hit, and I was not able to visit Paul. At 1st it was difficult, but again I embraced the comfort knowing everything would be ok, God has us. 

When Paul finally arrived home, again, I stayed strong, I organized his medication, I listened with one ear open, every night. Praying for God to give me the strength I needed, to do what He called me to do. I was exhausted, but looked forward to seeing my littles. They brought an energy into my life, that I needed. Every single daycare parent was there to listen, and do anything, and everything,  to help me through this time. My job, became my escape. The children in my care became my focus. They gave me a reason to get up, and open my doors. Although, there were days I felt overwhelmed,  I remained strong. 

In June, Paul had an ICD placed. This was put in to prevent an “untimely death”.  I was extremely discouraged that after everything we had done, and been through, his heart did not heal. His ejection Fraction remains at 25 to 30%. He has Congestive Heart Failure, with Cardiomyopathy, and Cardiomegaly.  This puts him at greater risk for another stroke, and affects the ‘quality and longevity of his life,’ (as one dr put it.) Again, I stayed  strong. God stands beside me, He walks with me through this journey. I can do this. 

Through the summer, Paul continued to make progress. Although his therapies were greatly impacted by Covid. He is, without a doubt, one of Covid’s ‘collateral damage’ victims. Who knows how much progress he could have made with consistent therapy, with the proper equipment. Even at the Courage Center, things were closed down, and he was unable to utilize different therapies. I find comfort in knowing, we are all in this Pandemic together. God is with us, and he will bring us through it. I remained strong. Asking God to give me the strength I needed to keep going. 

The day came when Catrena needed to report for her deployment. It was August, and I had been dreading this day ever since she signed her contact, with the military,  at the age of 17. Lucky me, she came home to leave her beloved hound dog in my care. Rori will be with us until next September, when Catrena comes home. I am strong, God will bring me through this, and Catrena will be home next September. I have to  hold myself together. 

November comes around, and, unfortunately, Paul tests positive for Covid. As a Childcare Provider, I am forced to close my doors. There wasn’t a way I could quarantine Paul, as I was his main caregiver. I was tested, and it was negative. I was forced to close for 24 days. It was the thing that finally broke me. I had remained strong, and up to that point I was ok, not great, but ok. I knew I had to make some difficult life choices.  I was tired, exhausted, desperate, and I came to the realization that I have control over nothing. I was broken, I quit, I gave up. I resigned myself to knowing, I could no longer  carry on. I needed to make a change, for all of us.  

I thought long and hard about what would be best for my family, and what would be best for me. I prayed for God to show me a way through this.  I finally came to the conclusion, that I could no longer hold everything together. I was too tired, too broken to try to keep doing what I was doing. 

With the heaviest of hearts, I gave my families notice. We were moving to S. Dakota. Where my family lived. I couldn’t keep running my Childcare business the way I wanted, due to all the restrictions the state was putting on us. If I couldn’t do my business the way I wanted to, it was time to move on. Nobody will ever understand how difficult it was for me to do this. It broke me more than anything I had experienced throughout this year. My daycare was not just a business. The children, I loved them like my own, their families, were my family. I had tried to stay strong strong but I was broken. 

With the help and support of my daycare families, and my boys, I packed up our life. I moved out of the home, that had been our “American dream”. Many kids, teenagers, adults,; all of them friends, came through those doors. We housed a few friends for a few days, others, a few weeks. Football Parties, bonfires, pool play, and the coveted massage chair were always a staple, and the boys, and Catrena’s friends would always be welcome. 

When  I drove away from our house for the last time, it didn’t hit me. I felt nothing.  I was too tired and stressed to absorb the finality of it all. 

On our way to South Dakota, I reflected on the fact that I broke, but God picked me up, and is slowly putting me back together again. I will never be the same as I was before our life changed.  That’s ok. I’ll be better, and stronger, and I will have the knowledge that “it’s ok, to not be ok”. We are never promised tomorrow, and change cannot happen, without, letting go of the past. I am no longer stuck, I’m free, free to build a new life, free to make new memories, free to be broken, free to be ok with that, and  free to be me. 

Thank you to all my family and friends. Thank you to Fritzy, Dan, Brandon, Mitch, and Angie for helping us move. Thank you to the Dingmann’s, Meyer’s,  McLean’s , Lowe’s, Coppage’s, Woodward’s, Deflorin’s, and Steenholt’s for sharing this journey with me. You have been amazing. It was a crazy ride, and I’ll never forget how you helped me through some of the toughest days of my life. Thank you to every child who entered my door, and found a place in my heart. I love you all, and enjoy seeing your lives played out out on Facebook. 

Thank you Val. Thank you for always being there, for praying for me, and guiding me. You are the most amazing person I have ever known. When I said good bye, you said, “we are friends for life.” You are so right. Outer friendship will stand the test of time and distance. We have been through a lot together, and we have solved the worlds problems in our daily conversations. Lol. I could have never made it through this year with you. 

 Thank you to my son, Ryan, for being there for his brother Luke, for helping us move, and for being there to listen to me, and check in with me. 

Thank you Catrena, for serving out Country, and for checking in with me every chance you get. You make me a better mom. I love Rori, and look forward to the day you are reunited. 

I need to send a special  thanks to my son, Luke. This year had a few detours for you, and I appreciate everything you have done. You held our family together, when I couldn’t anymore.  You sacrificed a year of your life, to be there for dad and me. Now it’s your turn to go out and do great things. I’m so excited for you to live, and experience life. You have such a bright future. 

Thank you to everyone who has kept our family in your prayers. God has plans for us, and all I need to do is trust in Him. I pray to be strong. God had to show me that even the strongest people will eventually break. There are days that literally bring me to my knees, and that is where God steps in, picks back me up, making me a little stronger every time.