Journal entry by Molly Brooke

These updates are getting harder and harder to do.  Yet I know there are sooo many people out there wondering how dad is doing.  So I will try my best to keep up with the updates but forgive me if I am not as efficient as I used to be.  

I am at the cabin as of yesterday and it is the hardest visit since he was diagnosed.  Dad is still hanging in there but... It isn't dad anymore.  He is extremely weak and struggling to do the basics such as getting out of bed and walking.  So... With that being said, I (we all do) know that it most likely won't be much longer.  (but yet you never know as I thought we had more time with Angie which didn't happen so???)  

Dad does try... And is still able to do the basic things but it is a struggle.  When mom woke him up last evening as he had been sleeping for a while, it was so heartbreaking to see him.  The grunt sound that he made as we tried to help him out of bed was a sound that I don't think I have ever heard him do before.  It took him 2 hours to eat a half bowl of delicious vegetable soup that Rosie made as he keeps falling asleep.  Mom says that he does try to eat every day, however, he has vomited most every day as well.  He literally is skin and bones.  In true dad form, he doesn't complain at all.  We have made some adjustments to hopefully make things easier for him... And mom.  He now has a bedside commode.  We put a footstool to give him a step up to get in bed.  We still try to adjust his meds so that mentally he can be aware but... Not sure if it is the meds or the cancer that is causing the confusion and frustration.  Time will tell.  We have to remind dad to keep moving when we are trying to get him out of bed.  Dad mostly sleeps in bed then moves to the chair and sleep some more.  Not much conversation going on anymore.  So hard! 

And there is mom... A real trooper.  She is hanging in there too.  It can't be easy for her to watch the love of her life slowly fade away.  And as you all know, we are suffering the loss of Angie on top of all of this.  Mom said she just can't think about Angie right now because she would just cry and cry.  I worry about her strength ... She is so petite that the physical help she provides for dad is getting more challenging.  Matt is now officially done with teaching for the holidays so he will be more available to help(as if he hasn't already been available enough).  He will be arriving later today.  

In the meantime, it is the holidays.  I am trying to be there, for the boys' sake, but I am struggling.  There was one day that I just had a hard time.  I just couldn't... I just couldn't bring myself to smile as easily.  I just couldn't fake that everything was ok as easily.  And I cried and cried and cried.  The tears wouldn't stop.  And the hardest part was... I didn't have Angie to talk to. But I did talk to her.  I had to.  I needed to.  I wanted to... more than anything.

Anyway, like I said, these posts are getting harder and harder.  But I will try to do my best to keep you updated.  And as always, signing off with my reminder to be kind... Always!  ❤️
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