Journal entry by Hilary Chaney —
It took guts, and grit, to get here. To Beaches Turks and Caicos. Nathan and I honeymooned in the Caribbean in 2006, a place he had never been. He was captivated by the mellow mystique and gorgeous scenery. At every turn we heard the reggae sounds he grew to love. We dreamed of having kids and bringing them back.
We put off that trip…too expensive, then COVID, didn’t have passports, etc… no good reason at all, any of em.
Then cancer came. He saw his Caribbean dream slipping away. He asked me and the boys to plan a trip after he was gone, and to take ashes if we wished.
I booked the place that got rave reviews, an all-inclusive that would be easy on this single mom.
The week came to fly, and I got nerves. River got nerves. The ashes sat on my nightstand, looking too heavy in thought to carry. Was it rushed? I cried, and told River if it was too much he could stay home. But oh how I wanted him there. I told my best friend I would not pack the ashes.
I wanted to quit. To crawl under the covers. But Beaches beckoned. Giving Nathan the sendoff and rest he needed took pole position. I packed the ashes.
The place is gorgeous. We see a dad like Nathan at every turn. We talk about him a lot.
On the third night, I ordered a glass of champagne and walked down to the moonlit beach. I carried ashes in a bag in my back pocket. Seeing Nathan’s smile in the moon and hearing his laugh in the wind, I raised my glass of champagne and returned him to the sea. I looked at the deep darkness of the ocean night, and said:
Nathan, you are darkness and light. You are all things to us. You are the greatness of all things to us. Rest forever in these crystal waters, or until we meet again. Love you.
I felt a weight lift, like a dove soaring. Like a tide rising. I felt new chapters beginning. I love my last chapter.
Again, as Na said time and again in 2023, grab your folks tight and take the trip!
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