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Journal

May
21
2015

5 Years

" Allow your death to be the moment of your greatest glory, not an ornament of your greatest sorrow"

I do not think this day will ever pass without having some twitch in the pit of my stomach, yet I do like to view it with a smile over tears. I do still feel so blessed to have been his mom.

It is hard to believe 5 years.  I do think I have seen more change this past year then all 5 combined. I took time to look back at some of Nate's words in these posts, they made me laugh...the Huckleberry Finn reference in one is still a crack up.. or the one he starts in Spanish after the memory loss...of course he enjoyed calling me old, making fun of his siblings and Dad too... but lately I truly feel his favorite quote from the Shack that he posted.

" There are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational. It doesn't mean that it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational. Perhaps that is suprarationality: reason beyond normal definitions of fact or data-based logic; something that only makes sense if you can see a bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith sets in."

Life has become suprarational. It has taken me this long to realize that during deep pain, it is a life of humility, of risking to give in to the experience that allows us to heal into something entirely new. Feeling the feelings verses just thinking them through.

Today is a day to remember happy memories of Nate. Feel free to share any here- He still echoes in my head as well as my heart and many days I get to smile at what I know he would say, or what he would do. As well as the real stories that just come back in a flash with a giggle or an eye roll as he was still a teenager during most of this and an ornery one at that.

I am still very grateful for all the support over the years. It has been a 'jurney' and not only am I blessed to have been Nate's mom, I am blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.

Blessings to you

~Sal

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