Journal

December
22
2011

Untitled

Today marks 19 months, it is before the Holidays and it is snowing. I felt I should share Nate's 'presence'.

I know I have shared before how connected I feel to hawks. I used to see them when Nate was sick and take comfort that all is as it should be. When he passed I would see them at the dog park, off the deck and even Mark found comfort in them. There was a hawk on the scoreboard the first time we went to see the Nate Jurney Field sign. When I would see two, I would think of Hope as well.

So the week of Thanksgiving started a retreat. I saw two hawks as I was running the dogs. I took it at as comfort and a hello from Nate and Hope. Yet as I saw them again the next day in the same trees, I began to think they had something to say. I quieted my mind and felt the whisper "don't lose heart".. I of course wanted a complete explanation but they flew off. When I saw them again in the same area my heart raced. I again quieted my mind to see what could be heard. "Be at peace".. it was a clam, quiet moment and I could feel the peace as again they flew off. It was  a day or two before I could get back there. The snow had delayed our run to that part. Yet, sure enough as we made the way a hawk flew over head as if as a guide. I only saw one hawk this time, the smaller one that I sense as Hope, and I couldn't quite quiet my mind as well. It sounded like 'feel the love' and as I looked up and asked I heard ruffling feathers and the bigger hawk had been there, I just had not seen him, and he flew off.. I half giggled figuring I just got made fun of for not understanding.. as I giggle every time I see an almost half full mooon that Nate made fun of me for saying one night. I don't always make sense! :)  I left not quite sure of what the message was. So I was anxious to get back. The next time I went I saw a hawk right at the beginning and it flew off, spreading its wings and gliding in the direction of where we meet. I picked up my pace. As I got close to where I always see them, a smaller bird hovered over the turn as if waiting for me with its wings spread and humming then turned and went straight to the trees. I followed but didn't see the hawks right away. I kept going and found them in a different tree. I quieted my mind yet kept asking.. what did you mean? was it feel the love? and as I questioned the hawk flew up, spread its wings and flew to the original tree. As I began to wonder the smaller hawk did the same thing. I got it. "spread the love".. as they spread their wings- spread the love! They stayed in the tree a bit longer.. I tried to listen.. another message came "know who you are". That one was a bit humbling and as I ran off, I kept my eye on the hawks who stayed.. it was an eerie but calming feeling. When I made it back up to the hill, I turned and could still see the outline of the two hawks.. I waited. It was as if they were saying goodbye. I didn't understand, I knew I would be back but truly felt their goodbye. I was shocked the next day when I went back. Over by the tree I met them at was workers, trucks and I can no longer run that way. Wow!

I have since relfected on all of that. Some felt like exactly what needed to be heard at that time. Some felt like I needed to transform in to my Christmas letter. Now- I think it is just to be shared. The simple messages- 'don't lose heart', 'be at peace', 'spread the love', and 'know who you are'. Yet profound- 'don't lose heart'- always knowing God is bigger 'be at peace'- regardless of what is going on around you, keep your self centered with God 'spread the love'- the ability to kindle the light in another 'know who you are'- to discard our lables, roles and expectations and just be..just be who you really are.

I thank you for listening, allowing me to share and I hope you find the same peace I did in feeling Nate's presence as well as taking the gifts in the messages. I somehow feel it is a different present for each of us.  Merry Christmas!

with much love, gratitude and blessings,

~Sal

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