Journal

Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

I really couldn't let this day go by without a comment...

11-17-11

It is Nate's kind of date. :) especially with Thanksgiving next week."..we go through life stressing about life's little annoyances..how often do we stop to realize how grateful we should be to have those annoyances? Once a year.. the third Thursday of November is not enough."

Enjoy your family time. Embrace your traditions. We will be trying something new. First to thank Nate for reminding us to be grateful for lifes annoyances, which he may be included in! To remember a good time with him.. hence, Mom.. it was Easter not Thanksgiving with the mento in the mashed potatoes!!! :) Continuing old traditions.. staying in PJ's all day to play games! Risk or cards since they are all to scared to play Clue with me!!!! Making sure we have nate's fav food for Thanksgiving, cranberry sauce! Of course that was all the kids favorites but nate would try to eat it all!!!!

Still hard to believe that time goes on yet here we are trying to move on with time in different dwellings. Yet it all seems okay. Like this is how it is supposed to be. It can be a little much at times and that is when 17 shows up. Even in re-telling his story with the diagnosis date of 4-25-06. Add 4+2+5+6= 17.. Someone else pointed that out. Way cool.

Nate is still very much a part of where we are. He is a blessing every day and I am so very grateful for all the time I was able to be his mom... even as I look back and think I must have been crazy to let him go to baseball practice afer cyberknife treatment.. what was I thinking? Yet it is those soul moments when we just do what we know is right without thinking. God-cidences in action.

So be blessed. Feel loved. Know you are appreciated. Thank you for still touching base. We are so much better people because of all of you. Truly- you are a blessing to us and as Thanksgiving approaches, know how deeply we appreciate you and all that has been done for Nate and our family.

Much love and Blessings,

~Sal

 

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

"Every new beginning is some other new beginnings end"

Nate had that in a notebook. I think it is a song lyric. We had talked alot about new beginnngs since he faced so many! Probably the most memorable for me is his first at bat from the initial bout with cancer. Spring of his Junior year. Travis and Jay were on Varsity and Nate was JV and anxious about where he would get to play. Being last on a line up is not any players favorite spot yet wondering if he could make it to first base was spot on the mind as well. The whole conversation on the ride to the first game at Dakota Ridge High School was calming his nerves with this new beginning and being grateful to just play. His first at bat was a homerun. New beginnings.

We moved last Friday. Thought we had gone through a lot of the process so it wouldn't be so bad at the closing but found myself holding back tears. So many memories. A new beginnings end can be painful. Our kids grew up in that house, 4th of July will never be the same, and to leave any part of Nate there saddens me. Yet life is always so much more than what we see and faith allows us to move forward blindly. To truly let go.. let God.. and let be.. not an easy task at times yet always necessary for growth.

So we are at a new beginning. A new beginning of new normals, painting a new canvas, creating new traditions and although Nate is not here physically his essence is always amongst us and remains in our hearts every day. God does provide when we ask. There is no new beginning bigger than God- I may have given up my mountain view.. will not wake up to the visual blanket of snow I am used to.. but I will wake up to snow and ..there is this tree ..right outside that intrigues me and I cannot wait to see how the snow lands on its branches. The reaching out of life that trees portray as if waiting for each new beginning, anticipating it's glory, knowing God is bigger.

We are so very blessed for all of you. Thank you for always being in all of Nate's new beginnings and his new beginnings ends. The love, support, words, compassion, friendships, etc,.. are so appreciated and valued.

Blessings, Love and Peace

~Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Hello-

I was asked to do an entry a bit ago- my domestic goddess friend missed knowing what was going on with us especially since we were taking kids to college... I giggled at feeling like Jim Carey in that movie-"The Truman Show". Yet, here I am, in the 17th month with 21 days to be moved out of our house, doing an update. Lets add in it is cloudy, rainy and the first snow dusting on the foothills!!  I love this moment. :)

So the first news is we did sell our house and will be passing the baton of refuge to new people. I do hope it holds the peace for them that it has brought us. We do not know for sure where we are going yet.. it is in process and we will be homeless for about 30-45 days although just feels more like being in-between. "Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between- be willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them." I know everything will be as it is supposed to. Patience and God's timing.

We did get the two older ones off to college. David is back at CSU and Nicole is in her first year at ASU. They were both home last weekend and what a joy! It is a new phase to have adult children- So much fun in watching who they are becoming!!

Daniel did get his drivers license as he started his sophomore year and football yet took a good tackle to his right ankle and did the best over achiever job of breaking it that he could! He had surgery, plates, pins, screws and is on crutches. He is doing better now- just waiting to put weight on it and walk.

Mark is doing okay as well. He did have to go back in to the office instead of working from home so much.. a little grumpy about that- but adjusting! He did do another Win The Battle baseball tournament this summer, a softball tournament, Coors Volunteers did a golf tournament and tonight is a wine tasting being hosted at ACE Hardward. So he is continuing what he started with Nate. The recipients are on the website www.winthebattle.org and it has been phenomenal in the people you meet on this path.

It has been interesting packing to move. Nate is still and will always be such a part of our lives-it is just different now. Words cannot express what it feels like to lose a child. Emotions run rampid - there are moments of absolute overwhelment to moments of indescribable peace- the joyous of memories that bring a smile - to the memories that remind you he was still human and picked on his brothers and sister like the butt-head of a big brother he could be- that brings a laugh out loud! He always had to be first! Yet, I am blessed for every moment and memory given. I have learned to embrace the tears and allow them to fall.

They say grief comes in stages but not necessarily in order. I say with Nate, grief is his own little ocean embedded in our hearts with waves that come calmly, waves that crash harshly, wave of rapids to waves the dolphins swim in.. the low tides and the high tides to the chaos of hurricanes with -always a rainbow to follow. The waves are all connected as Nate is always amongst us.

So we are creating the new normals out of losing life as we knew it to living life as it becomes. I will miss my moments off the deck, watching the moon slip behind the mountains, the doves circle while I make coffee, the sun dancing with clouds, and the hawk that has watched over us. I am ever so grateful for those moments I was reminded of God's presence and all those moments I saw God in action in all of you with what was done for us. I am forever blessed.  I will be embracing whatever new path God has for us.

Peace to all of you

~Sal

 

 

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

This will be my last entry.. a few things I forgot to add on..

First- the last guestbook entry called Nate a hero.. and I was given an essay from a senior in high school this year that also called Nate his hero. It was very touching, made me cry.. and gave me that glimpse of how much Nate influenced all around him.. whether he knew it or not.

The most awkward moment was calling the mortuary. Really? Do we have that picked out? and as Hospice handed the list.. OMG.. how do you choose??? Surreal moments.. yet we did do it. we did choose and they did show up to take Nate away... and where is that manual with the chapter on how cold a body gets so quickly? How the blood flow is life and supplies warmth? and.. as you walk away hoping they will care, love, be gentle, with that body you called your son although you know he is no longer there.. surreal moments!

The memory is as they drove away- as the car/hurse/SUV/ pulled away with the last touch, the breeze picked up and blew a whirl of cotton. I will never forget that. The slight cotton in the air in that moment.. and the next day as the cotton filled the air.

Tonight is the one year mark to Nate's service. I was never able to thank the appropriate people involved in making that day what it was. Please know if it has not been said outloud.. it has been prayed, and I do so love you and thank you for all that you did to make that day what it was. I am sincere with that. I do know.. and bless you.

The memory to share is the outing to the movie Avatar. Nate and I wanted to see it and Dave came. Although Dave tried to convince us to see whatever movie Denzel Washington was in at the time.. Nate enjoyed Avatar.. his favorite part was when the fluffs from the 'spirit tree' landed on the Avatar making him feel more apart of something he was not. It reminds me of the cotton. The cotton last year was awesome and you could allow it to land on you.. its rained to much this year although I have seen some and allowed some to land on me... yet last year it was a  moment as that car drove away.. and aweing during his service.. and yet- I still think of a friend that came by before we went to San Diego to talk to Nate about heaven.. and what he felt heaven was like- in the movie Avatar- when he first steps in the Avatar body, dazed and confused with his first steps.. tilting, altering until he reaches the outside and runs.. runs free.. flying almost with utter joy.. is that not heaven? Joy? freedom? Loved that connection and love that he was able to share that thought with Nate.. (love you kiddo!! thank you for being there.. you are amazing.. )

So as the rain slows down, and perhaps a normalcy sets in, embrace the cotton.. yes it is allergies.. but hold on to the thought of the 'spirit tree' and just maybe..maybe.. in that moment the cotton is annoying you, landing on you or floating next to you.. it is a moment for you to be part of something more- something you aren't quite sure of, something of where Nate is now...

Know that I love you all- I am blessed beyond words to have had this as my outlet, blessed to the point of being honored to be able to share, honored to the point of being grateful for all the kind words given back. Is that not the meaning of life? Blessed, honored and grateful to share amongst others in a relationship to help us all grow.

I love you Nate, miss you every day, and can only hope I can make the difference you did. You truly are,our. Mr.Amazing...

Blessings~Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Nate's last day is embedded as if yesterday.

Everyone was gone through out the day. School for kids and Mark was playing in a fundraiser golf tournament. It was just Nate and I.

It was also another day for texting the doc pictures. Nate had yet another rash and the pain seemed to have increased. I kept pressing his pain button as he dozed and each push led to a tear wiped. I always prayed to change places.

It had been such a long day on Thursday and we had moved his bed downstairs due to the stairs being to much. I spent time bringing down some of his favorite things. He was messing with the other side of his lip- truly something so surreal words could never explain. So we sat and chatted about what was eating at him- or why he was eating at himself. He wept and always thought he would beat this. He would be the difference and help others. He didn't want to give up. We talked about true strength- letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go, Letting God, and Letting Be. Spirit always wins and making a difference is in perspective. I told him to look at the difference he has made- to look at the now - We cried together as he dozed in and out.

The day progressed with the kids making plans with friends- hospice came by to explain their services- as a few of our friends stopped by to see Nate.

Nate wasn't feeling great. He struggled to keep food down and we tried to keep him comfortable. He had a seizure which I think scared both mark and I at first. Yet, it didn't last long and as Nate came back he looked at us like we were freaks and why were we holding his hands.. we settled in as he struggled with nausea again, and had another seizure,that wore him out, never fully coming back- yet we could hear his breaths in rattles.  We called the doc, and called the kids to come home. Mark on one side, me on the other. It took a bit for the kids to understand we needed them home..it wasn't curfew yet, rides were needed, and as I talked to them and relayed messages to Nate, they were all on their way, how much we loved him, etc, his last breath was released. I think it was hard on the kids not being there to say goodbye, yet know it was very Nate-like to know they were coming without burdening them- and/or to still be the big brother in control! 

 I feel blessed it went this way for the scenarios the doc shared on how it could have gone were not favorable. This was peaceful for Nate.

We continue to miss him each day yet will embrace all he taught and stood for. He will be with us always in our hearts. Peace

~Blessings to you all!

 

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Today is the 17th and will start the last of my journal entries. I will start now and then finish on the 21st.

First- Thank you to all who attended, helped organize, and was a part of the official field dedication of the Nate Jurney Field. We are blessed to be part of this and truly honored to know Nate will always be a part of baseball at RV.

I wanted to do this last entry for the one year mark. It is a reflection of Nate's last days beginning with his first.

There are few things to look back on when being pregnant with Nate. One was a dream that is still so vivid it is as if it was yesterday. The other was him being breech at 36 weeks and the doctors needing to turn him. Not a joyful experience- and now I wonder if it was him turning back up.. " Wait.. God! Are you sure I have to do this??"  then he was nine days late born with eyes wide open. My mom still remembers this day as I remember her words. " Now- remember Sarah, your job is to teach this child to leave you." I remember being so taken back with those words at the time, as I held a helpless newborn. Yet, even then, I do not think she realized how wise her words would become.

Nates final days were spent near the ocean. He didn't get to be out in it a whole lot- but had an awesome view from his room. Jena has not disclosed all the comments from him watching the volleyball games yet just the thought leads me to giggles. Thank you again for all that helped organize that trip- priceless in memories- and thank you for all the encouraging words when there- the day at the ER in San Diego brought a friend to remind to allow God to meet you where you are. To pray for Nate's resolution- that God either miraculously heals or peacefully brings him home. The begining of surrender. I seriously thought they were going to call social services on us that day. It was such a surreal moment. A chaper all its own.

The acceptance of the wheel chair at the airport for the trip home was HUGE. The first step in realizing ones strength in letting go and accepting what  is. It was a long trip home. The next day was full of doctors appointments. The plastic surgeon for his lip- yet another chapter! and the clinic visit to check blood counts, get blood and verify all of the happenings in San Diego. Thankful for technology as I think it was every day I would send a picture to the doc asking.. what is this rash? why does this look like this? etc;

I think the memories are flooding this week as the one year mark nears. My heart aches.

I'll continue with his last day on the 21st. Thank you for allowing me to share. I truly believe we never really die.. yet life becomes different, and I do know I can still feel Nate's presence when in the right place.. as I also know, sometimes we have to feel the pain, in essence be the pain in order to heal.. and not to move forward, or move on, but perhaps... just for movement.

Blessings ~ Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Hello-
I've tried updating many times since the 21st but it never seems to feel right. It has been harder as we approach the one year mark and I am not sure why. Plus there are a few more 'firsts' approaching.
We did make it thru Easter. Dave came home convinced he would dominate the Easter Egg hunt. He was somewhat of a bully.. lol we did have fun, kept to some traditions and made some new.
I spent time reflecting on Easter, the true story, listened to song lyrics- and was impacted by something I read... ' If Jesus had yelled from the cross. " I hate all of you" .. it would be a completely different story.'
I have thought of that a lot. It is a priceless moment to vision the painful surroundings as God sees them and obtain the pure faith of knowing all is as it should be.
So the days when it feels hard, or anxious, or painful.. I think of .." I hate all of you".. defenselessness in life can bring our true strength. It then reminds me of my last day with Nate and our conversation. Cancer in some ways, was Nate's nails. We all have our own nails or cross to carry.. and we can carry it with resentment and " I hate all of you" .. or we can carry it as it is.. I keep reflecting on how Nate handled his life. I really do miss him and cherish all he taught me.
As I think of some of the tough days coming ahead- something will happen to remind me not to worry so much. A sporatic snow shower while running the dogs.. as if it was just for me.. a hawk that will fly by so close as if reaching out, a fun moment with the kids where you can almost hear Nate echo and make fun of us, and tonight.. as the varsity RV team played at the Keli McGregor Field
and won 17-1.
We haven't figured out what to do yet for our one year mark. It needs to be honored in some way I am told.  I will keep this posted.
Words could still never express how grateful we are for all who walked this 'jurney' with us.
truly, Thank you! we are blessed!
~Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Happy Birthday to Nate!
Today would be his 21st birthday!

This month marks 10 months and it seems harder than any other month thus far. Perhaps it is so much going on- listing the house, the start of baseball season, orientation for Nicole going to college, it being Nate's birthday month, or just finally hitting the wall.
It's actually moments of sadness mixed with great joy that make you feel like a yo-yo.. going from one emotional extreme to another in a matter of seconds.. yet takes longer to get back to the middle of normal--

"It takes great courage and personal strength to hold on to our center during times of great hurt. When we are in the midst of loss, or betrayal, or crisis of any kind, there is power in the words, "Be still and know I am.", There is no loss except in time, and time does not exist."

The joys have been highs. They put up the sign on the newly named Nate Jurney Field at RV. The first Varsity game played on the field won with 17 runs. It was touching to see the article in the Arvada Press mention the signifigance in the number 17 and heartening to see the quote from the player who also took to heart the meaning in the score.
Daniel is playing JV..he chose #17 for his jersey. I am a little mixed with that- know he wants to honor Nate, yet watching a #17 on the field with some of the same mannerisms.....
We have seen Dave a bit too- another joy that stirs things up! He has been more in to becoming who he is vs being who he has always been. Perhaps a bit of growing up! :)

We are going to celebrate tonight with chocolate cake and playing cards! Some of Nates favorite things. ( his favorite choc cake is from BW3's of all places!!) Daniel has a baseball game today too- so all is well! LOL

Thanks again for being there, letting me ramble and for letting Nate live on in your hearts as he is in mine.
Blessings and Peace
~Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Hello-
Today marks 9 months. It's made me reflect on 9 months being the time to bring life forth- yet it's 9 months today that life retreated.

We've been cleaning things out... ( preparing to sell house.. anyone want a big house, nice yard and awesome view???)  So going through storage closet, bins of kids elementary school papers!!! What a treasure!!
It appears Nate always had a desire for baseball- could turn any lesson in to something about baseball.... even poetry!! and quite a few learning statements on never giving up, always doing your best and how "winners never quit and quitters never win". It was a thread through out all his past work.
It has made me wonder about choice vs being chosen. Free will vs determinism.  How much of life is pre-planned? And perhaps deja-vu moments are just bread crumbs from God letting us know we are on the right trail.
I have reflected on nate's last days.. and who he was able to visit with, who stopped by, and re-play his last day, our conversations, and how life, even thru death, plays itself out.
I think reading all his young words on never giving up reflects one of my last conversations to him on true strength is knowing when to let go. He was in a lot of pain- and wouldn't take more pain meds to relieve it- never wanting to give up- never wanting to quit- yet- there is more.. that at the end of your rope, it's not tying a knot to hold on to- but untying the knot to let go and let God catch your fall.
I have breathed in his last day quite a bit this weekend. He put in place a lot in his last hours, life truly did unfold for him in ways that can only be explained as bread crumbs from God. Many of us get to still follow those crumbs knowing Nate is and always will be amongst us.. not in a physical sense but always in a spiritual essence.
We still appreciate and value all of you- more than you could ever understand- more than words could ever express.
Thank you- Blessings to you- love to you-
Peace-
~Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Happy New Year!
I spent New Year's Day going back reading some of Nate's words to come up with some "Nate-isms" for the New Year. To go back made me laugh, cry and just re-group how we are always embedded in each others hearts in a deeper means.  Enjoy!

First- today is 01-05-11 ( 1+5+11= 17)

"Do What Makes You Happy"

"Live in the Now"

"not many people go thru what I have gone thru. not many people go thru what I have gone thru at the time i've gone thru it. but having made it thru everything and still being here. I get a feeling of empowerment."

"everything happens for a reason, right. it'd be easier if I knew the reason. God should have to run His plans by me before He puts them into action."

If you ever ask God, "why me", the real question is "why not me?"

'change the '0' to an 'E'- It's not what you got to do - it is what you get to do'

" we go thru life stressing about life's little annoyances. How often do we stop and realize how grateful we should be to have those annoyances? Once a year on the 3rd thursday of every november is not enough"

"there are times when you choose to believe something that would normally be considered absolutely irrational. It doesn't mean that it is actually irrational, but it surely is not rational. Perhaps that is suprarationality: reason beyond normal definitions of fact or data-based logic: something that only makes sense if you can see a bigger picture of reality. Maybe that is where faith fits in" (nates fav quote from The Shack)

"healing does not come until you have recognized your problem and criticized it in some way."

'every new beginning is some other new beginnings end'

Be ornery- Nate definitely was ornery! :)

"I want people to think that this is a kid that never gives up. This is a kid that loves life, that loves baseball and doesn't lose sight of a dream." Denver Post article

I am ending there. Nate never did give up. Even on his last day we had a conversation- he always wanted to beat the cancer- Letting go and giving up are two different things.

So help him not to give up and breathe in some of his Nate-isms. Make the most of your moments, embrace life and never lose sight of your dreams!
Happy New Year!
Love and Blessings,
Sal

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Journal entry by Sarah Jurney

Today is Tuesday, June 6,2006

Nate has been doing well. The doctors appointment went well yesterday and Nate was able to go to the movies tonight!! We will go in Friday for the 48 hr outpatient chemo. Then check in on Sunday for the arerial chemo. It will only be for 6 hours this time.

Nate is a fighter!

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Nate’s Story

Site created on June 4, 2006

To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, he's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to it's old dimensions.-

Oliver Wendell Holmes

It started with Nate complaining of knee pain. He had broken his right ankle playing basebktball and the doc thought it was overcompensating from having a cast. After following docs orders on ice, Aleve, and P/T exercises we went to a knee doctor. Nate was diagnosed with bone cancer on April 25, 2006. He went through four rounds of IV and IA chemotherapy . He has had surgery on July 19,2006. He has finished four different rounds of IV chemo since then and is going through physical therapy. He is a fighter! He has been working hard on getting his strength back.

Nate has done great. He played ball this past spring(07)- and went to Costa Rica in the summer. The scans for Sept were not so great. They found cancer nodules on his lungs.He has been on the immunity booster treatment since then and will have yet another surgery Nov 28th to remove a cancerous nodule from his lung. He is attitude is great and we will just move forward to get this all done. They did add a chemo agent to his treatment. It is still experimental. We now have started the new year with a clot from his port. The port is out and he will do shots to help thin the blood and dissolve the clot. As of Feb 08 he decided to bypass any more experimental treatments. The nodules have stil been growing despite feeling like he has the flu every weekend. So he just wants to have fun for his senior year, play ball and graduate. Then he will look at surgery or other options.

Nate had the surgery on June 6th. He did not recover well. they did take out all the cancer and the last scans showed know cancer nodules in his lungs. But- he has not been fully himself. They cannot determine if it is permanent. It is mostly memory issues but the neurological testing showed slowness in processing as well.
This May, they found the cancer had returned.

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