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July 21, 2021

Last Keytruda infusion yesterday. Almost got cancelled due to my labs and just my body being an uncooperative a-hole...but it didn't ๐Ÿ™Œ
The nurse that started my IV was amazing, she kindly told me she was happy for me that I was "done" then told me to "get out, I don't want to see you here ever again." Samesies nurse Ellen, same ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’—
The woman in the suite across from me (from what I overheard, hard not to, there's just curtains separating us) was having her 1st taxol infusion. I remember mine well... a little unnerving when they roll in with the crash cart for the 1st one, in case you have a "reaction." Thankfully I never did. After a couple minutes went by, nurses were called in to her, because she was having a bad reaction. They got her settled and then I heard her & her husband? trying to get her feet and hands in the ice...she was crying...I remember that well, too. It broke me listening to a complete stranger struggling with this poison they give us to "save us." I wanted to go hug her or promise her it will be ok, she will be ok, but that would just be weird. Anyway, I'm still thinking about you brave warrior sister in room 15, I pray you will be where I am before you know it. 
I was feeling a little under the weather before my infusion yesterday so today is not great, but I know it will pass soon enough, it may not seem like it, but I do try not to complain. I am grateful for so much. I am fortunate. I am alive. I'm here venting. I'm not the woman in room 15 now. 
A week from today I'll have my chest/pelvis/abdomen scans to make sure "it's" all gone. I do try to be optimistic. I'm surrounded by people that are optimistic. But still that tiny voice with the "what if" lingers. I hate that fucking voice. Part of me wishes I wasn't having the scans because ignorance is bliss right? Or is it? I don't even know anymore.
Wanted to get in to see the dentist, chemo has not been kind to my mouth...but have to wait til after the scans...because, as the Dr said, what I can have done depends on what, if any, treatments they have to start me on. I pray none. I am so gd tired of worrying. Of giving myself pep talks. Of feeling guilty about expressing my fears to people closest to me. I'm just 100% over all of it.
I'm still at a 10 pound lift restriction. I still have neuropathy in my feet. But recently I've been able to do physical things that I couldn't have 6 months ago and that is encouraging. I'm almost there. I don't want to go back to square one. I'm terrified of going back to square one. After scans are done, I can start really pushing the strengthening and rehabbing myself, realistically I hope surgeon will release me back to full duty at work after my appt Sept 9. I wish I could forget all about all of this, getting back to a routine and work will help I hope, praying for clear scans, no recurrences, and no more treatments ever again. 
Til then I guess I'll continue with all my regular coping mechanisms...immersing myself in family, inappropriate humor, stupid memes, true crime docs, lifting puny weights, walking, just whatever, to help the time pass til I get back to "normal." 

#herestoroom15 ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ™

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  • Tiffany Hamilton : September 9 is my birthday! I will make that one of my wishes!