January 16th, 2021

The Road To Payson

(While I still have this caringbridge site, I thought it might be good to give a 5 months post follow up. For any of you T18 moms that want to see what it looks like after your baby is gone. It's hard I'm not going to lie. But I couldn't have imagined up & written a 2020 harder for us. This is what I learned going into 2021. I'm cross posting to my facebook account, and including a link for my IG account since they limit text.)

You know if someone would have told me back on December 1st that my skin cancer would be one of the best things to happen in my life I would likely have laughed in their face, or gut punched them...one of the two. To say I’ve been on a journey in 2020 is an understatement. People said I was so strong, and I think I believed it myself too for the most part. The good thing about when life brings you low, is that at least for me, it draws me closer to God and my Savior. I depended on them, the Comforter & all you earthly angels that carried me through the toughest year of my life. However, just like neonatologist Dr. Gerday warned me while sitting in that lonely hospital room the day after my baby Ammon died, he foresaw my future and the grief that was to come. And it did. I’m not here to write about that today. Just to acknowledge that the things that I had clung to so dearly the first 8 months of the year had ever so faded by month 11. My scriptures were collecting dust. The words from the leaders of our Church, given every 6 months, that always bring upliftment and light into my life weren’t being read or listened to. Church or temple attendance-yeah wasn’t happening. COVID-19 was the biggest culprit on that one which was out of my control. But when it was in fact our family’s turn to go (attendance was limited by rotating alphabet names)...because I was in a spiritual rut and found complacency at being home, there was no drive to go when I could stay home and watch through Zoom. And that’s IF I even chose to wake early to watch it.

I was in a complete rut. I wasn’t sleeping at nights. If the baby woke for a feed, it would take 2-3 hours to fall back asleep. The unaccomplished goals for my healing checklist ate at my soul. 4 months of working out hard & nothing was coming off. I was seeing every doctor I could and getting bloodwork because I felt so out of whack, along with episodes of anxiety and depression. And when they prescribed drugs for me, I felt even crazier! I knew there was something wrong physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. Oh my poor husband. He had long since healed, had carried this family already so much this year, and just wanted his wife back. Was I just to believe it’s because I went through the hardest trial of my life, that I was older, that grief really does take its toll? Well this miserable and dark place was the state of my life when I got the callback about skin cancer. What would your reaction have been? If I had ever questioned God before, this trumped it. How could I not think, WHY? Or Why NOW? How strong did He think I was? Clearly now this year was more than I could bear. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spiraled.

Clearly God works in mysterious ways. He knew the end from the beginning on this one. Well as you know after weighing my 2 treatment options, we felt right about the radiation path. I still remember setting out on my first day. Brenton had just given me the dear painting I cherish. (a woman offering her baby towards heaven with an angel receiving it and one comforting the mom from behind.) My eyes fought every sort of emotion. Here I had a 25 minute drive. As I walked out the door he said, “start an Audible book!” But remember I was numb to the world. I’ve never been drawn to all the fiction books, or rather didn’t want to start now. And I love historical fiction, however it’s usually holocaust stories & I definitely didn’t need that now. I felt impressed to look up a Podcast. And that’s when I found “This Is The Gospel.” It’s a storytelling podcast that “features real stories from real people who are practicing and living their faith everyday.” The rest is history. I haven’t stopped since. I’ve never felt the Spirit so strongly in my life than on my quiet drives on my “Road to Payson”. Just like the Road to Damascus when Saul’s life took a complete 180 from persecuting believers to becoming one of Christ’s most stalwart disciples, my own life took a 180. I began to FEEL the Spirit once again through the stories and messages shared through that podcast.  I felt God’s love for me and knew that not only do I need Him back in my life, but He needs me. What other way would God have accomplished this difficult task? I don’t think there was a way except to pull me out of my busy daily mom life and force me into a quiet car where I could listen, feel, and learn. Hence the skin cancer. Something that wasn’t “optional”, and that I would have to deal with.

What’s the results? Well hopefully 100% cure rate. I finished radiation a week ago. These are my before and after pictures. The black area was the cancer mass. The green are the good cells that by the end replenished and filled in where the black once was. I’ll go back in another 2 weeks or so for a post ultrasound and checkup, and I’ll be one of those frequent patients getting checkups forevermore.

Isn’t it crazy how God used something that seemed so devastating at first to me, as a way to help reset me into the woman, mom, and wife I need to be? Writing about God or spiritual matters can come across cheesy on social media at times, but I hope you all know how much this experience blessed my life. I am more optimistic for 2021. I’m well on my way to better health. I’ve found a new nurse practitioner and had more blood work done to find out there really WAS a reason as to why medications made me even crazier! (a MTHFR gene deficiency). And I’m in the process of getting all my adrenals & hormones at optimal levels with supplements ( NuAdapt to get me high cortisol levels down (stress), progesteron because I'm estrogen dominant, DHEA pills, and meds for my slightly sluggish thyroid. So much is falling into place. I know I had to go through last year in order to reach my full potential, and to lead me to discover health issues that were playing a huge role in my anxiety/depression. And now that I can see some light, the journey to get there will be much more enjoyable.