“Scary times, but the end is not here. I am fighting every day to live.”

Since my last post my light chain numbers had continued to climb. So in consultation with Dr. Hoeg I have decided to do more chemo. The process has begun and consists of two back-to-back infusions of chemo. Then the rest of the month off. Then repeat until that no longer works. We are upping pain medications as needed to control my pain, which has been getting worse. 

I had the first two infusions at UC Davis Cancer Center in Sacramento this Thursday and Friday. Dr. Hoeg indicated that any side effects would be generally worst in the second and/or third weeks after the infusions. Today was a somewhat better day. My Dad and Mo have been here for these infusions and Matt will is trying to come next week for a much needed visit. I’m looking forward to hanging with him for some quality time. Joanna and I are planning on taking a trip to a rental at Sea Ranch in a few weeks for some much needed R & R. Haven’t had that in a while. 

I’ve written a poem recently recounting  what’s been on my mind lately:

“Jon latest poem:

I’ve been trying.

I’ve kept breathing.

I’m still here.

I may be dying, but I’m still here.

I’m going to wring out every last lucky coin from the fabric that holds this reality together.

I’m going to experience joy as abundantly as I can during these apocalyptic times

and I’m going to leave this place with my integrity intact and my bed made.

What can I say to everyone who’s ever cared about me other than thank you and I love you.

I’m still breathing,

I’m still trying,

But there will come a time when the breath is no longer and the me you once knew has gone someplace else. I will be ok just as I was ok in this wonderful life. 
And when you find yourself missing me, when the pain is real, you will always find me in the music.”

I’m not giving up, but the cancer keeps at me and may take me one day. It’s hard not to process that. The prayers and thoughts, candles and communications from all of you have been with me through these past two years and have held me up and sustained me. Thank you so very much. I love all of you. Keep looking for more updates as my journey continues. I love you all like you’ll never know.

Jonathan