Hi friends,

I moved home to Michigan 2 months ago so my parents (almost 80, and struggling immensely at their age) can care for me full time.

I have had really severe neurological complications the last couple months, and my condition has degraded the last month to the point where I cannot care for myself on most levels or even move some days, and fully disabled at this point. I’ve gone through intense dark nights of the soul with my health for over a decade but this has been the most terrifying time in my life.

The neurological condition escaletd in August (right after Lion’s Gate portal ironically), my health and neurological condition started to deteriorate rapidly. Though many of you know I have experienced chronic illness for the last 13 years (neurological Lyme encephalopathy/ brain inflammation/ toxic mold exposure/ autoimmune disease/ME/mast cell activation syndrome), the place I am at is a level that I have *never* reached.

My integrative doctors and holistic team are still uncovering what is happening (combination of neurologists, Amen Brain Clinic specialists, Functional / integrative doctor specializing in chronic illness, Naturopath/homeopath, Psychiatrist). I am not sure if I have MS, some kind of degenerative autoimmune neurological condition, etc. We got good info from the SPECT scans at Amen Clinic about the damage there, and next few weeks will get EEG and MRI to check for Multiple Sclerosis, or other brain inflammation. What it *feels* like in my body is a combination of brain injury, dementia, severe brain inflammation, encephalitis, I am having new seizure-like activity, uncontrollable tremors and shaking/violent convulsions in arms and legs, excruciating pain, pressure and brain inflammation (that often feels like a large mass is inside my brain causing vomiting, dementia-like symptoms (where I cannot remember where I am, etc.), feel like I am ona roller coaster, vertigo/dizziness that makes it impossible for me to stand, excruciating pain moving all over and especially in the brain and cranial bones, acid-like electrocutions and burning in my nerves, constant tinnitus, noise above a whisper often send me into a panic attack, really intense psychiatric episodes that can disable me for days and weeks, loss of motor control, loss of feeling in some extremities at times, severely altered vision and seeing lights, neuralgia, hallucinations, severe dissociation, plus dozens of other symptoms (some of which i have had in the past 15 years), but the neurological symptoms and the SPEED at which I feel my body disintegrating is what is quite concerning. I was only able to walk 10 minutes twice in the last 60 days and the last time I walked, I found myself completely lost and had no idea how I had gotten where I was. It was terrifying. Even simple things like listening to music or a meditation can send my brain into feeling like it’s on fire.

Brain inflammation of this stage with the psychiatric symptoms is brutal and beyond description in human terms. Late-stage Lyme (which I have dealt with on and off for 13 years) disease itself is violent as it ravages the brain, nervous system, and organs. Add on the brain injury + autoimmune neurological cascade of inflammation, and I am in a realm of hell I never imagined. I have IMMENSE tolerance for extreme physical torture, but this is beyond comprehension. On more days than I can count in the last 3 months, I have brought to my literal knees and been crying begging for mercy, locked in my bed in the fetal position, shaking and unable to get up. There is no quick fix for this kind of brain issue or the brutal effects of it, some days you just sit feeling like someone is lighting a fire to every cranial nerve and bone and inch of the inside of your brain.

Some days it feels like someone has put a blender inside and turned it on high. This requires the highest level of surrender and even with all my years of surrender and spiritual practice, I am sometimes speechless with the amount of seemingly inhumane symptoms in my brain. I have been given several medications from doctors to stabilize my brain, seizure activity, unbearable pain, and severe panic disorder from the brain injury BUT my body is so highly sensitive and now my body is having seizure like convulsions and histamine reactions to almost ALL medications (including Gabapentin which I already took for years, which would have helped with seizures) , and has had histamine reactions to most of these drugs - causing even worse symptoms like visual disturbance, mania, neurological episodes that feel like my brain is literally on fire. This is why I am working closely with the holistic medical team, as they can look for and create holistic solutions when the medications do cause these severe reactions. It is not easy at the moment, we are sort of doing trial by fire and trying to see if any medication will work. Because of my extreme sensitivity, one small step off base and my whole system can go into full neurological and physical collapse for days.

The most crippling symptoms in some ways can be the overwhelming terror and PTSD, a lot of ...a lot of old trauma is coming to the surface to be seen and healed in my system right now. While I tend towards holistic interventions, I have needed medications as I have episodes that  are so severe that I can be shaking for hours. So doctors have attempted to give me medications, but again my body reacts to almost all but a few. Some days I am terrified I have ALS or MS, but we are uncovering more pieces of the puzzle. Looking at Anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, rapidly occurring autoimmune neurological conditions, etc.

I had a traumatic brain injury 20 years ago and was in the ICU for 11 days, and this is by far 30x worse than that. No joke. I’m very mindful of how important my language is and my thoughts, but I’m also trying to share the situation realistically.

Since I know what the average neuro Lyme symptompology feels like (and that is hellish enough), this feels much worse. I need a full time caretaker at this point.  Some of the Lyme has flared of course with all the stress. Whether it is simply Lyme encephalopathy or other neurological autoimmune condition, we do not now. 

While some days my higher self can see a new me is birthing through this death portal, another part of me (the human part) is quite terrified.

I believe when we face something that looks hopeless, we can choose hope anyway. Usually, I can do this,I have a hard time accessing this because of the psychiatric effects of the brain injury.. In one hand, I was excited and felt my body calling me off the medications to be clear, and at the end the medications kicked me off quite violently because of the violent convulsions that came as I went off.bI do not want to go back on medication, but an open to them now to stablize  my brain if need be because I have tried everything else holistically. Because of my extreme sensitivity and the mast cell activation, my body has now reacted to all the medications doctors have given me to stabilize her seizures and mood, even at doses one would give to a three year old. So I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place, needing relief and not being able to take medications to help it (i have TONS of holistic supports, supplements, and homeopathics to assist, but it’s not enough).  So I am waiting waiting for clear direction and may try one more medication to see if that will assist the seizures.

The doctors at Amen Brain Clinic have evaluated my brain scan and see damage to the brain that they say is not permanent. That is layered on top of a complex history of 13-year history with chronic Lyme Disease, toxic mold exposure, Myalgic encephalomyelitis, Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (CIRS), autoimmune condition, fibromyalgia, mast cell activation issues, heavy metal toxicity, chronic fatigue immunodeficiency syndrome.

There are days I am terrified I will end up in a wheelchair for life. But when I regain some sanity, I remember that this is all something my soul orchestrated for a higher purpose - to remember who I am.

Sidenote, this feels like the final final exam of a long awakening journey through the 15-year experience of the body and trauma, having had to learn I am not my body (to transcend) while also knowing I am my body on this earthly planet. It’s just wild to have this knowing of a greater death / rebirth portal (which feels Divinely appointed) happening to me ALL the while having to play in the 3d realms of going to medical professionals again, and organize 8 hours daily of medical stuff (which feels not Divinely appointed and hellish). But this is 2020 and this experience is on a spiritual level a big portal for me; and I know the LIGHTEST light comes after the DARKEST dark. Or so I have experienced and have faith will happen again.

I ended up in the hospital/ER several times in the last month (i RARELy go there a I know my symptoms are generally not something ERs or mainstream medicine have been able to treat) BUT as I felt a huge mass pushing on the inside of my brain that was so intensely painful I could not stand up. They ruled out any Stroke/Tumor but as we know the body is much more complicated than simple Emergency Room Medicine.

The keys to unraveling the mysteries of illness lie in more integrative doctors and naturopaths, holistic healers, and delving within to the root emotional and spiritual causes within the pain body.

Those of you who know me know I am committed to the last one especially - I seek to understand everything in its root cause - and always know the work has to be done from WITHIN (regardless of what is happening in my physical body). BUT I also have a human body that is experiencing terrifying episodes, and so I am looking for answers and support in my medical community.

Never have i ever (and those close to me know I’ve been to hell and back countless times) been close to this level in 15 years. I have woken up almost every day of the last few months feeling like I will die. It is a feeling I have never had before. I have done physical illness (not that I want to keep doing it) but I have played this field a long time, in and out of its dark lonely crevaces. Never have I felt this physical intensity and never have I felt episodes of terror that last 9 hours a day, weeks at a time. Even my breathwork, meditation often don’t work. It feels like my brain has literally been HIJACKED, and without acesss to meds, I am stuck in a hellish loop.

The good news: Something greater IS birthing itself through this crisis, that I know. I know my mission on this planet is to be of great service to humanity. I understand on some level there is a special  journey of immense challenge to reclaim a  special gift I have to share with the world. Please help me heal my brain, body, and mind  so I can begin to start my service and my mission to the world.

BILLS

I have already incurred $45,000 in medical bills in the last 4 months just to handle the urgent situation, luckily I have some of the best MDs and natural healers/spiritual mentors and naturopaths in the country, but I’ve spent thousands on Urgent Visits with these practitioners to keep me out of the ER multiple times and to treat my seizure episodes and brain inflammation holistically. From my 13 years of chronic illness, I have over $100,000 of medical debt already and almost all my credit cards are maxed out. I have just about finished my entire retirement money in the last 2 years to pay for my medical bills.  My parents have maxed out all their retirement paying my medical bills over the past 13 years and they are living off credit cards in their 70s. I am out of options. Even if I claim bankruptcy, I wouldn’t be able to obtain credit I need to pay my medical bills for the next 6-10 months. So here is where I come in and humbly ask for your support.  Thank you for any support.  I am eternally grateful.