June 1, 2020
Yesterday was another one of the "those" days. All day you were on my mind. So many times I have reached for my phone to call you and tell you something "very important" and then I remember. I used to tell you that your voice mail greeting had a tone to it that made me somehow sad whenever I heard it. I actually said "Miki, if you ever die, (and you'd better not!) if I somehow hear that voice mail greeting, it will make me cry so hard, because there is SUCH a sweetness to it...the sound of your voice, the way it lilts up when you speak your name...it would be unbearable to hear it after you've died because it's almost too sweet to hear when you're here, alive, present in my life!".
Yesterday I was missing you SO much that I stupidly dialed your number and almost hung up before it rolled over to voice mail. (I wasn't even sure it was still connected because I thought Sarah would have disconnected it by now)...I heard that message and as predicted I was newly gutted by the missing of you. All the things I NEED to say to you. All the things I WANT to share with you. My eyes miss your face. My ears miss your laughter...my favorite part of any day was doing my own brand of improv for you and hearing you gasp laughing! It made me want to be funnier for you.
I hope you are NOT resting in peace...that would be the last thing you would want. I hope your soul is soaring in simultaneous time...flitting from reality to reality, universe to universe, time line to time line, at YOUR behest, YOUR desire. I hope in death you are having the time of your life...and don't drift too far away because when it's my time, I want YOU to be the one who greets me on the LIGHT side of all this darkness.
I miss you Miki. My eyes still have so much ability to leak. I'd have thought that by now my reservoirs would have run dry, but that voicemail greeting. I am spending today figuring out how to copy it somehow to my phone so I can save it and have it forever. Unlike you which I no longer have.
"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
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