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Journal

April
8
2020

April 8, 2020

Dear Miki,

Today is hard. Harder than yesterday or the day before. I'm not sure why.  Maybe because the weather is getting nice and I started thinking about art fairs coming up and how much fun we had last year going to all of them together.  Everywhere I look in my apartment I see you. Something you helped me pick out or decide on or place in the perfectly correct space.  The vase I bought at the consignment store to replace the one you deemed "common and ordinary".  You were SO right. SO right!  The replacement is neither common nor ordinary and it gives me joy whenever I see it and the one it replaced was just there...nothing special...nothing joyful...just common...and ordinary.  Two words that could never be used to describe you my sweet friend.  

I'm looking at the heart mirror on my bureau and I laugh when I remember the faces you made if I ever showed up wearing heart anything.  And don't get me started on the candles. Those REALLY made your face scrunch!  

I was hoping for more joy and release with memories of you, but for now, it's not so much joyful. Not much release. Just pretty much pure grief. At least it's pure. Not muddled. Just grief. Nothing more.  Nothing less. Not unlike the grief suffered by billions over the time of mankind on our beautiful planet which you enjoyed maybe more than anyone I ever knew.  There was no place you wouldn't go if it caught your attention.

Your grave marker should say "here lies the tiniest badass ever born.  She came. She saw. She suffered. But she CONQUERED! She never met a challenge she didn't overcome...until the very very end."  And I'm unsure how to think about THAT challenge. Did it beat her or did she just decide to bow out of the confrontation before it ended with HER victory over it because some wins just aren't worth the hassle it takes to get them?  Part of me wonders if she was visited in some of her drug induced fitful sleep by her beloved Regina.  And perhaps, upon awakening, the sorrow of reality without her overcame the natural fight that lived inside her.  Maybe she just wanted to be with the love of her life and seeing her in the dream world was far better than the nightmare of the real world in which she found herself daily and in every waking moment enduring discomfort or severe pain.  

Whatever the reason, she CHOSE (another little badass trait) to leave when she did, I respect her and support her in that decision. She knew I'd grieve as would all who loved her...but this was for HER. She was doing what was good for Miki.  And she knew it would hurt us.  But our pain cannot be compared to the very real physical pain she had to endure.  So yeah. It hurts. I miss her a whole lot.  But I'm trying to imagine her and Regina laughing together on some celestial roller coaster in perfect weather, with no lines to wait, just as many rides as they want, again and again and again. And I'm hoping, that when it's my time to exit stage left, I'll find them on that ride and the seat will have enough room for THREE souls to enjoy the thrill, to scream and laugh together for just one ride and I'll move on to MY heaven.  But we'll be able to pop in and out of each other's heavens at will. Yeah. I LIKE that fantasy. It feels right.

So my dear Miki "Lois, Mom" you're never leaving my heart for one single second. Part of you lives there now.  A sweet part of you. And I can feel you there.  And it's not common.  Not ordinary. It's beautiful and so very special.

As my grandkids say to me,
I love you eternally,

 Marie, "Stewie"

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