March 20, 2021
One year without your friendship and companionship. And not just losing you but losing all social contact and family contact in any real human way. Today I went to your gravesite alone. I thought I'd stand there and chat with you and tell you how much I miss you and how you "flew over the cuckoo's nest" JUST IN TIME to miss the insane cray cray...and the isolation...and the fear...and crumbling of societies around the world...and the near loss of democracy and most frighteningly, given your history, the near rise (and potential near future rise) of fascism.
For that I'm happy you're not here. But ONLY for that. For all else I am gutted by your loss. And today I experienced what hell actually is. It's not a "place". No fire. No brimstone. No demon captor delighting in your pain...it's a condition whereby your own actions and behavior are being held up to your eyes for you to relive and regret every single transgression. Today I walked the grounds where you lay in repose in the Garden of Gethsemane at the base of the foothills near your flatirons so beloved. I walked about 2 miles in the snow and some mud from the melt. And I talked to you and begged you to help me to get past the hell I live in when I remember EVERY SINGLE harsh word spoken (TO you, never BY you). Every time I snapped at you or lectured you or made you feel that you'd disappointed me somehow as though I was some kind of sovereign that it was your duty to please me only and never let me down. Driving home I had to pull over a few times because the tears wouldn't stop. I tried a primal scream or two (or three). It did help. For a second...and then the wave of memories of your loving kindness, nurturing, and generosity. I weeped for EVERY time I said no to any request you made to do something with you that would have given you pleasure but I thought it wasn't "my thing"...and the few things I said yes to I really enjoyed. I would give half of what time I have left if I could somehow have you back for those years and I could treat you like the friend you deserved. The way you treated me.
People will say "you were a wonderful friend to her. You did so many kind things for her. She knew you loved her." Yep all of that is true. But she did those thing ALL the time. She was wonderful to me ALL the time. She was kind ALL the time. She loved me ALL the time. She showed me more unconditional love than both of the people who raised me. They didn't really know better, but it didn't change the harm they did. She healed so much of that harm.
So today, I learned that I am not a wonderful friend. If I was I would appreciate EVERY friend I have more than I do. I would treat EVERY friend I have BETTER than I do. What is it about humans that often only learn this lesson when it is far too late to correct any mistakes made?
So my most precious friend, wherever you are, I am begging once more, please find me in a dream and let me remember it so that I can tell you how much I miss you and love you and how sorry I am for any pain or disappointment you felt that had my name on it. I will, in your name, vow to attempt to be a better person going forward. More generous with my time. More forgiving with foibles. More loving and giving to everyone who enters my sphere.
I have donated to "A LIVING TRIBUTE" and they will plant ONE HUNDRED TREES in your name in the forests in CO that were so devastated by the fires last year. Your love of nature, hiking, Colorado, will be carried on by me for the rest of MY life as a tribute to you. It won't make up for the neglectfulness but if you ARE somewhere, I hope you will find happiness in this gesture. I will NEVER forget you. And I hope with my whole heart that our souls will meet again and have another (FAR LONGER) journey together. One in which I can be a much better person.
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