Sorry for not writing … ever recently.  I can’t believe it’s been a year since my colostomy surgery.  My emotions have a way of making it feel like every thing in this experience is attached and therefore all one big experience melded together… which makes it exhausting in one sense.. my experience allows me to barely grasp one year.. while I “wait for the miracle”.   ( 2 years officially from diagnosis) Well, we expect miracles to be instantaneous.  Our perception and attention span and patience is so limited that our miracles need to happen within mere moments.. or perhaps through a childbirth, within 24 hours, you and I will see the culmination of miracle after the mother carries her infant for 9  months.  Many many small things happened over a long period of time which at the end a visible miracle can be seen.  This is our lives. And this is how I believe God sees.  God sees every thing and sees the end result… The final miracle.  God does not wait for the miracle.  He can see the beginning, time, and the end.  My one year that I can barely grasp the experience is minuscule to the big picture.  But… after looking back in my limited perception, I can see the miracle.  Even through mingboggling hardship, there is still good.  Through incomprehensible pain, there is strength.  Through being in metaphorical deserts, there is still growth.  If you have a headache, you know it is gone the next day when you don’t feel it.  When you have cancer, you are at the mercy of time and scans.  You can’t feel it.  You know it’s there.  It could be growing. Spreading.  In your brain.  But what can you do and where will your faith rest?   Somehow I was directed to change my diet in this process.  I had two original lumps that had spread to my liver.  During chemotherapy, those lumps shrank and have not grown back.  I had a third lump appear .. and then disappear on its own seemingly.  And then after my big surgery I had a fourth lump appear… and something inside me said “you’re doing this to yourself”.  When you get cancer, they tell you it’s not your fault.  They don’t want you to take on the guilt of something so radically invasive.  But this was my fault.  I chose to own it.  I was eating a lot and intaking massive amounts of sugary treats.  What else is a person to do after they heal from their innards getting chopped apart and redirected and eating becomes a punishment.  So I started looking and reading and searching for some correlation between why the lumps in my liver would appear and disappear.  Well backing up to the beginning before the surgery, Chemo was happening and I didn’t want to eat during that time so the lumps shrunk.  When chemo stopped I went back to my normal eating routine and the third lump grew.  Then I had radiation to my rectum and didn’t want to eat, and the third lump shrunk. Then I had the big surgery, recovered and started eating a ton and there was the fourth lump.  So I radically changed my eating.  No processed foods basically.  No sugar, no flour, no pasta, no beans, no rice, no potatoes, no fruits other than low glycemic fruits posing as vegetables (tomatoes, cucumbers, avocados .. stuff like that). I had been giving the cancer too much easy, unnatural energy.  Was this diet going to work?? Who knows.  But I figured if I had passed away while eating healthy… then I had given my best effort to take care of myself, something which had not done in the past.  So here we are, a year later.  Waiting for the miracle.  Where has my faith been? Well it’s been Rocky to say the least.  I have been sad and have had times where the simple act of stepping into the shower causes a meltdown of tears to come out.  I have had to process moments of rage and wrath and anger that reminds me why I’m not God.  But I have had hope and the drive to try when all seems impossible.