I now have a laser surgery (Laser interstitial thermal therapy) tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday, the 21st. Today we went to the Mayo Clinic and got lots of input from two surgeons, two oncologists--and ended up confirming the same plans we made with my regular doctors.
Yesterdsy, when I was walking at the Minnesota River, I pulled out my phone and unintentionally saw the MRI image I attached to my previous CaringBridge post, showing the new tumor right next to the part of my brain I use for language. The image triggered a wave of despair, as I thought of the medical probability that I won't be be at either of my kids' high school gradations. Medical probabilities aren't certainties, though. I've outlived multiple rounds of medical probabilities already.
When I was freaking out at the river, there was a great egret in the pond in front of me. I think I've seen the same one several other times. His eyes are surrounded with a beautiful green, to attract a mate. After I came home from the river, I had a meditation time with my friend, Beth, where I felt like there was a very tangible web of Great Love moving up and down through my head and the rest of my body.
Most days I read a daily email meditation from Richard Rohr. Today's meditation was about Gods' Ecstasy. He said, "My hope is that others will get a sense of how the universe is radiant and exciting and how we are poised right on the creative edge, right where the new action is happening. God’s action, our action."
The combination of the despair, egret, meditation time, and email clarified for me that I want my next phase of treatment to focus on seeing, feeling, and taking in God's ecstasy--the joy beyond understanding that has space for despair, fear, pain, birds, brain surgery, wrapped in an ecstasy of belonging that doesn't exclude anything.
Want to join me in the treatment? I think it works better together.
I know my language can sound over the top, but since my language is threatened, I figure I might as well get in plenty while I know I can.
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