I've always had a strong wanderlust. Since my diagnosis, I've cancelled trips to Israel/Palestine, New York, and Boston because of health changes. For this retreat, I took a bus 15 miles up the Mississippi River, and walked and sat by the river, focusing on shorter adventures.
Near the end of the first day, after walking several miles, I was hungry, my phone battery was about dead, and it was starting to rain. I was a little lost, and I felt confused about why I was wandering the suburbs by myself. By that point, I had wanted to be settled into the airbnb I was staying at, having quiet time to be able to take my first chemo pill in a peaceful, intentional way. About that time, eight wild turkeys walked across the sidewalk in front of me, gobbling, squeaking, and dragging their feathers against the concrete as they passed me. After they passed, I made it to my airbnb, with some Chinese take-out I picked up along the way.
I texted a few friends, told them what time I was going to take the chemo, and asked them to join me in the intention that the chemo compliment the river in washing away what is in the way of life and love.
In praying recently with my friend, Christopher, he had the image of an open, expansive field in front of me. Out of silence with my friend, Beth, we agreed that my job now is to let the Earth and river blend with my body. I welcome the open field of possibilities in front of me, and welcome the blending with the land and river now, and not just after I die.
It is fortunate that the river is my primary treatment, because I might not be able to do chemo very long. My platelet count is close to being low enough that I can't do chemo. My platelets are still damaged from the previous times I've done chemo, and they dropped a little this past week, maybe feeling afraid of this next round of chemo. In preparing for the chemo, I made a commitment to myself to increase my dose of time at the river from at least a half hour each day to at least two hours per day. As the chemo dose might need to go down, the doses of other forms of healing might need to increase.
I welcome your help in surrounding the chemo with that expansive field of possibilities.
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