Last week, I went to Raleigh and got the results of my testing for Sensory Processing Disorder.

I want to start with I am so thankful that I got this testing done and am able to breathe about it being completed.

Thankfully and not thankfully, the answer is not really. While this rules out SPD, here I am with all of the same damn questions I had previously. 
Why am I throwing up before and after big group events? 
Why do I feel like people are yelling at me when they are talking in a whisper or normal speaking tone? 
What’s the reason behind not being able to tolerate my dog barking more than one time at a time?
Lastly, why do I feel like my sensitivity to noise is not like other people?

The definite answers are Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with panic attacks and Other Specified Anxiety Disorder (Sensory Process Disorder). So to answer the question, “was I diagnosed with SPD?”, yes and no. I was told that diagnosing me with SPD is tricky due to SPD being closely related to Autism Spectrum Disorder which I do not qualify for in any other aspect.

These diagnoses are not necessarily new. The PTSD diagnosis has been on me since I was 15. With that being said, the anxiety disorder has probably been there for more than the 2 years than I have had it, but has increasingly become more prevalent as the years have gone by. 

Seeing a diagnosis on paper is so different. It makes it real. It makes it definite and final. It brings on feelings and emotions that I forgot I was able to feel. 

So I cried.. a lot.. 

Not because I wasn’t prepared for a diagnosis or multiple, but because seeing it on paper made it real, definite, and final. I was anxious. I was shaking. I was frustrated. I was trying so hard not to shut down. I wanted to scream. I was scared. 

While I am not where I was emotionally last week, I am, however, still doing all I can to manage the anxiety and panic attacks when they occur.

I want to say thank you for loving me and embracing me with all of the anxiety and PTSD going on.