Melissa’s Story

Site created on March 22, 2021

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Journal entry by Melissa Gutholm

Well I’m not going to lie, chemo is kicking my butt. I feel like I have mush for brains at the moment. Trying to get all my fluids in and be able to eat would be great. I’m not my usual positive self today. I seriously need to stay where my feet are. I look forward and think, shoot I have to do this again. I don’t want to do this. It feels like the worse flu you could catch. I lose track of time. I has a hydration appointment yesterday that I knew I had, but didn’t realize Monday was here already. Thank God the staff at the City of Hope is so kind and caring. They allowed me to get hydrated even though I missed my appointment. I’m going to start writing everything down. I forget super easy stuff to forget. Never did I imagine being here right now, I’ve smoked most of my life so to say I am surprised is not true. I just wish I had stopped a long time ago. I have such a crazy addictive personality. I’m not going to beat myself up, but it is what it is. I smoke therefore I got breast cancer and am just a tad but angry with myself. You see I have always had a perception problem. My normal perception is not well most of the time. I have great cognitive skills, yet big ones like smoking causes cancer leaves my brain and I want to light that cigarette yet it is the main cause of why we are here. I am having a come to Jesus meeting ugh myself and asking how far are you willing to go? Normal people are thinking you mean she’s still smoking, ?!?... yes..... that’s where I’m at. However, I’m not smoking because the mouth sores are very painful.
 Say what?!?! You say for me to quit.
I would love to quit but I’m scared. What would be my new healthy obsession?!? 
See the insidiousness of addiction. I have cancer. Cancer kills, Quit smoking and there’s that. I’m going to pray for the ability to live my life healthy. I’m going back to basics. I don’t want to die. I’m not ready. So in order to live different choices need to happen. I pray for the willingness to want to quit smoking. I pray that I stay where my feet are. I just have to get through each moment.  See how my head works, I can rationalize and question anything and everything. However, I know that staying in the moment is what I need to do. So as far as that goes, I’ll journal here for a bit,.... it’s crazy..... I think my life has taken so many journeys and I’m pretty grateful for it. You know I think what a shitty thing to say to myself. Be kind to yourself, Melissa... Gods got you, pray as if this is my last day in earth. My brain is constantly spinning lately, and I just want to get through to the other side of this leg of the journey. Just when I start to feeling much better, strike-swing chemo day. and it all starts again. It’s where my walk is right now. Thank God I can look back and see where God has had me the whole time. I have fallen and picked myself up and gotten right back into turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. In life we have so many different relationships and different spiritual walks. When I’m doing 12 step work and doing for others is one way that joy brings into my life. I enjoy helping people, I have always been more of a helper. And again, my brain goes south while I type this out. I’m very grateful that I have people in my life. I’m not good at keeping secrets especially when everyone knew that secret, I just thought I could keep it more secret. If you’re in here and reading this, thank you. My head sends out texted messages all the time to myself... lol.. 
I don’t even know now the message I was aiming for. So quick to say yes I’m doing as well as I can with what I’m working with and of course, God is running the show. I’m working hard to do the footwork and allowing myself and others Grace. God has the script, I am trying to do it with Grace and Dignity. We’re all just looking to live peacefully amongst ourselves. Thank you for reaching out when you have, shooting a text they all mean the world to me. Those days of sickness I rarely text back because I physically can’t. But I love all your hope and I will get back to you it just may mean in a couple of days. Love you all. Thank you for walking this journey with me. Serious I’m so grateful for my life. This is not where I would pick to be in the game board. Til next time....❤️🙏💯🌹🌺
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