Journal entry by Melanie Small —
Hi Folks,
It’s October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month - pink ribbons, fundraising, awareness campaigns - you know what I’m talking about. This is a month when breast cancer is in-your-face. I’m usually not thrilled about the constant reminders throughout the month but this year I feel compelled to be a voice among voices. Maybe it’s a distraction from the presidential race, from social justice turmoil, or from COVID-19 stagnation. Maybe it’s because I couldn’t spread awareness this year in the ways I have traditionally. I don’t know the true catalyst but what I do know is that is it the age of Social Media and I have plenty of platforms to help share my voice.
Some would probably say I use my voice too much, without tact, or too casually. Others would say I’m articulate, purposeful, and thoughtful. I say that all of the above apply but in varying combinations and very much driven by my environment. I feed off the energy around me, the vibes that the people I’m talking to are sending and it is a toss up whether that’s a good or bad thing! I try to stay optimistic in most situations even when there’s not room for optimism. And now that you know my “Achilles heel”, let’s get back to my voice.
I’ve been using this journal for 7.5 years to communicate with you all and I’m so thankful to have so many returning visitors with each post. Maybe you’re just being nosey but the way I see it, you are reading because you care and you’re coming back just to confirm that I’m still doing OK. Well, I’m OK, not great, not bad either- just OK. Neutral.
For inquiring minds I should probably clarify my last post regarding latest scan results. Sometimes I forget that words like cancer, chemo, neutrophils, and CT scans are not part of most of your day to day conversations. I’m am so sorry and my condolences to you if they are (unless you work in oncology because you chose that.) A few years ago I had a similar “finding” that was report on a scan result, same place and similar size. That is what I meant when I wrote that my oncologist isn’t really convinced that it is new. Not that it was inconclusive, just that it is very likely that we’ve seen this particular “spot” before. Her exact words for the situation overall were “I need to see something much more impressive to change course”. In hindsight, I wasn’t optimistic about it and I even posted that it was neutral news. A couple of you responded to me and said “I’m only hearing good news Mel, why do say neutral?” THANK YOU. You know who you are. I really needed your positive energy. I could also that energy right about now along with one of those “Good Vibes Only” t-shirts.
I have a lot that it weighing on my mind, a lot more than usual at least. Earlier today I did an exercise where I wrote down the first words that came to mind in response to the prompt “ Right this moment I’m feeling ....”
1. Frustrated
2. Stuck
3. Isolated
4. Hopeless
5. Exhausted
I think that we can all agree that this is not a good list of words. Frankly it’s concerning and has prompted me to take advantage of the EAP at work. PSA: Don’t be ashamed to seek help when you need it folks. There are professionals out there who want to help you. As you can imagine there are so many things driving these feelings. I’m worried about things that are happening with my loved ones, I’m yearning for the full warm embrace of my mom’s and dad’s hugs, I need to hear my dad say “Well hello, Dolly” when I walk in the door and I need to feel his big wet kiss on my cheek. I am terrified that I’ll spend more time being isolated (because of people disregarding the severity of COVID-19) than the time I have left to live. I’m terrified that I’ll spend more time being isolated (because of people disregarding the severity of COVID-19) than the time I have left to live a meaningful and active life. I used to throw myself into work to take my mind away from these sort of thoughts but looking back I regret how much time I spent working instead of spending time with my friends and family. I didn’t regret it at the time and I’m certainly thankful how far it got me but I cant grind like that anymore, it’s simply not healthy in any capacity. I think it would be a different story if I didn’t have cancer and wasn’t 7.5 years into non-stop treatment. That is not my story though. I will always put forth my best effort because my parents didn’t raise me to phone it in (for the older folks) or half-ass it (for the younger folks).
Alright folks, My voice is tired for now and needs to rest. I won’t be back here this month but I will continue to post on Facebook and Instagram. I’m very active on LinkedIn but it’s all nerdy work stuff and I haven’t crossposted any personal breast cancer related things there yet. Not sure when I’ll be ready for that but if you are into Cybersecurity, feel free to connect. October is also Cybersecurity Awareness month. I don’t think we have any ribbons or organized fundraising walks. We just that informative training you have to take for work every year, complex passwords ( shifting to dual authentication), and a lot of other things that my parents will never understand but is already engrained my niece’s and nephew’s daily lives.
See you on social media my friends,
Melanie
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