On top of everything I learned and listened to during the meeting with the Tumor Board Doctors, immediately after my appoitnemnt,  they sent me to get my initial blood work to make sure I was healthy enough to start Chemo before they made me unhealthy.  I also had to get an echo for my heart.  One of the chemo medicines they are going to use can cause damage to my heart and I will regularly be getting echos.
During the echo I could hear my heartbeat.  Every now and then there was an extra beat.  It freaked me out.  After just hearing an hour ago about needing chemo and surgery and possibly radiation, I couldn't handle anymore and everything was terrifying.  When the tech was done with the echo, I asked if she found anything.  Her response -I am not able to tell you that and you will have to wait for the doctor to call you.  Ok, I get that, but let me tell you what my day has been like and I am begging you to give me something, anything to ease my mind just a little bit.  "As I just stated, I am not able to tell you anything and you will just have to wait, have a nice day".  At that moment, I could have kicked her.  I am sure she was a really nice person, but in that moment I do not think she had a heart.  She could have given me anything, lied to me, some empathy, anything.

I walked out of the room and into the waiting room.  I looked over at Brian sitting in a chair and just kept walking.  The same anxiety/panic attack that happened after my MRI was happening again.  I just needed to get out of there.  Anywhere but here.  I think I ran.  I felt bad for Brian, he didn't know what was happening and I don't know what happen to my mother in law, but I needed to leave and fast.  I walked down the stairs and got confused on where I was.  Holding in my tears and having a tough time breathing I found a door and Brian was already outside.  I needed to get to the car and now.  I don't know what is so great about my car, but it seems to be my peaceful place.  My get a way.  I don't need to drive, just be away from everyone that wants to poke and prod me.
Brian was confused and concerned.  I explained what happened and tried to hold it together.  In the car my mother in law told me a similar story that worked out fine and it helped calm me some.  I just couldn't handle anymore.

Fortunately a few days later I got the call that everything was fine with my heart.  That was a relief and made me a little more upset at the women who couldn't give me anything little piece of hope to go on.

During the week of the Tumor Board, we decided to throw a party that coming weekend which was Memorial weekend.  Elliot's Birthday.  Man, was that hard.  I felt like it was a goodbye party.  I didn't know what to expect from chemo. How my body would react. What would happen to me. What would happen to my husband when I died. My babies.  How would my babies keep going when I died?  They are my everything and I am theirs.  I am crying while I type this because at that time, I really did believe my life was over.  My husband now had to watch me struggle and slowly die.  My boys were going to remember their mother on her death bed.  Brian and I talked about what would happen when the time came and how I wanted to be remembered when I left this earth. What a hard conversation to have with someone who is going to have to watch and be an active part of trying every day to help you survive.  How would we financially survive when he would lose his job because he would have to care for me? Where would they live when we lost the house?

So we threw a party!  That makes me giggle right now.  Our solution to this craziness was to have a party.  Brian was thinking about how he didn't want to keep answering questions to everyone, we would just talk to everyone in one day and get it over with.  I looked at it as a goodbye party.  My last hoorah.  I was gonna drink all day and have fun and live my last day!  
The love I felt that day was and still is amazing.  The people that came made me so happy and I still cry as I think about it.  My two best friends.  The two that no matter how long it has been since we have talked, have always been there for me. And they were that day.  They were there all day and all night.  They helped ease my mind and remind me that fun is good and very much needed.  My sister- who has been my rock.  Who has been there with me emotionally through all of this.  Who is there when I really need to just cry.  My second parents- not only did they come, but they brought me a beautiful plant that I have manage to kill.  My mission is to replace it and actually plant it like I was suppose to.  They also gave me the biggest surprise that I could never repay they for.  They brought their boys.  The two boys that were only 5 or 6ish when I met them.  The two boys that are my brothers.  I watched them grow up into amazing men and meet wonderful women who compliment them so well (they came too!).  Those two boys were at my "goodbye" party and they partied with me.  I cried as I hugged them.  To think that they took the time off of work and drove from the other side of the state means more to me than they will ever know.  Brian's parents, his aunt and uncle, his cousins, the wonderful conversations I had with them and the closeness you feel with someone when they share stories of their own.  My neighbors- the ones who when you need something right now, they are there. Not just because they are next door close, but because you can tell they really care about you.  Everyone, everyone that was there plays such an amazing part of my life, no matter how big or small.  That night was exactly what I needed.  And I am so so very thankful that it was not my goodbye party.  That chemo is not anything like what I expected and that I am still surviving.   So thankful that my boys do not have to see me immobile.  They may not like how things have been, but the images I had in my head will not be the same images they have in theirs for the rest of their lives. 
Today as I sit here and type this and look back at that day and all the craziness that happen in the short 3 weeks before it, I am thankful and grateful.  Thankful that all I have is breast cancer.  Thankful that it is curable.  Thankful that science has brought us to where we are today.  Grateful that I have so many people that share their hearts and love with me.  Grateful for those that check in on me when their lives are just as busy as mine. Thankful and Grateful that today I just have breast cancer.