Just a few more thoughts....

Because pancreatic cancer has such low rates of recovery, our experience is that doctors never say, "cancer-free," even when scans don't show anything visible. Instead, they say that they "can't see any sign of it," which I think is more accurately explained as, "Cancer-Silent."

 

I only mention this because I've noticed how when people respond with such excitement about the test results, that I feel a bit surprised. I think it's because of the difference between "free" vs "silent." Of course I'm so thankful and happy, but the fact that it is probably still in his body, just so small that it can't be seen by our technology, effects my perspective. There just isn't quite the same thrill! It feels more like, "Sigh....Oh good, we most likely have at least another few more months together!" But it doesn't feel like it has actually left us alone to live the rest of our lives in peace!

 

Have you ever had a tiny shard of glass in your skin, or maybe a sliver that you feel but can't see. You could say it isn't there since you don't see it, so it shouldn't affect you so much. How could it, since it's so small, and MY GOODNESS, you can't even SEE it with a light or magnifying glass! But it does affect you! I think that's a pretty good analogy for our situation.

 

I think I wanted to share this so whoever cares to, can more understand where we're truly at. Of course we appreciate every praise and celebratory response, since it IS super huge that nothing has returned! And it means so much to hear that people really care, still think of, wonder and pray for us. Maybe I'm just hoping that the misunderstanding of "free" vs "silent" will cause everyone to think we're, "doing just fine since cancer is now in the past."

 

In reality, it still feels like it's here....just very quiet right now. Like a bear that's asleep in its den in the other room, and every test is like checking on it to see if it's woken up yet to cause some havoc in the house. And now the winter is almost over, so we don't know exactly when it will come out to walk around again, but the time is coming closer. Of course no analogy totally works, cuz maybe it's more like the bear is actually dead and not just sleeping, but we're not sure. Does that make sense?

 

There are just levels of going through this that might not be immediately seen or obvious to everyone. It really does help when it feels like others are in it with us, which is why I share. Thank you for anyone who tries to understand and meet us where we are. I didn't realize until hearing back from many of you, how much I've needed that feeling of being surrounded by love, friends and family that we experienced in 2020. So thank you so much for still being there. I MATTERS! TRULY!

 

And since Oreo wasn't in the last photo...here's one for you with his fav treat....a "cigar" of course!

(Also, if anyone has a spare second, it might encourage Matt to get some text messages just saying hi or whatever you want. {916-512-9055}. The side effects from the surgery, which I shared about, are causing him a lot of pain every day, making it difficult to work and do much at all. He has a doctor apt Wed, which will hopefully resolve the issues. Thank you)