It’s been 4 years since Mom has gone to Heaven. I sit here wondering how many more years I will be posting on the anniversary of her “going home”.  I thought maybe I wouldn’t write today, the words just don’t seem to come as easily. It’s like a scab has formed and the words can’t flow today. I guess grief is kind of like a cut, when it starts it is raw and painful and we looks for things that will help ease the pain. Over time it begins to heal. A scab forms but it still hurts, then more time goes by and while you still see a scab, the pain has started to ease.  Under the protection of the scab healing takes place until the scab goes away. Many times we are left with a scar and I feel like I was almost feeling this way. 
Time heals all wounds they say, not the wound created in your heart when you lose someone you love though. Time may ease the pain but I don’t think any amount of time can heal a broken heart completely.  Our heart will forever have a scar.  
When mom died I didn’t look for an antiseptic or a bandaid. I knew I had to let the pain reside.  I had to live and breathe through it and I had to have faith in God that he would carry me through.  The more I put my faith in Him, the stronger I felt.  I had gotten to a pretty good place in my healing. I knew Mom was in Heaven, I knew she was free from pain,  I knew we would all be ok.  I was healing, there was a scab protecting the hole in my heart. The pain in my heart was still there but it wasn’t hurting as bad.  It wasn’t as raw as the day she went to Heaven. Then my ex husband Kevin died.  One day he was here, the next he was gone.  It was then that I felt like that scab had been violently ripped off and someone was pouring salt into that hole in my heart and there I was once again in pain. What made the pain worse was the pain I knew my children were experiencing so now take that pain and multiply it by three times more.  Every tear my children shed was multiplied for me, it has been the most unbearable heartaches I have ever felt. Nothing can describe it but I know that God will continue to be there to help ease our pain.  I have faith. I am not a church goer, it’s just not my thing. My church is wherever I am because I know God is with me always. He doesn’t care if I’m sitting in a pew or sitting on the floor of my bedroom because I can barely get up that day to face the pain. Again, the pain is raw but I’m not dwelling on the pain, I’m not looking for a bandaid.  I am working through it by taking baby steps, by looking forward and doing whatever I have to do to help these kids through their grief while grieving in my own way.  From my experience I am hoping to help my babies.  I am honest with them, I let them know they will all grieve differently and that they just have to believe me when I say it will get better because it does. I am trying to be mindful of how my kiddos grieve differently, I am trying to support them in any and all ways. I guess in a way I am trying to be their bandaid.  Covering them gently while they heal.  Protecting the raw open wound in each of their hearts.  
I guess what I’m trying to say is that even when you feel you are doing pretty darn good, grief can and will hit you again ( we lost my Jeff’s beautiful grandmother, Kevin and our last adorable bulldog Maisy in less than a months time) .  Your heart will be wounded and healing and then grief hits again. You could be at the raw stage in grief when grief hits again, you could be at the scabbed over stage of grief when grief hits again, you could be at the  “ I think I’m healing”stage of grief when grief hits again.  Who knows where you will be on your grieving journey.  Just like a cut,  we all heal in different ways and in our own time. 
Grief came to try to kick my butt again and the person I would always turn to first was no longer there to call.  She always made me feel better.  No matter what happened, my mama just had that way of making me feel like it was gonna be ok. 
I don’t feel alone because I know she is with me and I have my earthly mama Vickie (Jeff’s Mama) here with me, my Papa, my sister.  I have friends, family, and my children, and I have faith. 
I will be strong for my babies like my mom was always strong for me. I know what they are going through and it sucks. 
I know I’ll be ok, my kids will be ok too.  Another scar in our hearts. We all have many scars in our hearts. Please be mindful of this always.  Be kind, be loving, be gentle, be helpful and empathetic  because you never know where someone is on their journey in life.  
To my mama in Heaven, I love and miss you so much. Thanks for giving me strength and wrapping your Angel wings around me when I need them. I will try to continue my journals here on a caring bridge as a tribute to you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ 

Blessings to all our family and friends. Thank you for being a part of our lives.