Dear Family and Friends,

A year ago today at 12:57 pm is when Mark opened his eyes in heaven and finally got to see the face of his Savior.  Mark loved Jesus since his teen years.  He went to Bible college. Pastored churches. Preached about heaven.  Comforted those whose loved ones died. He was ready!  I loved what he said, "I am not afraid to die, but I have never died before so that is kind of scary".  It gives me great comfort imagining heaven and what Mark is doing there.

I had the rare privilege (is that the right word?...not sure) of knowing that without divine healing, cancer was going to take my husband's life.  Even though we prepared as best we could practically, emotionally and spiritually, I was in no way ready for the intense grief.  I am a hospice volunteer.  I am comfortable around death and love helping those facing it and the loved ones around them but you can't know that pain until you face it.  Even now I struggle to describe it to you.  It is a weariness.  It consumes all parts of your life. Having lived with Mark for 41 years - we were one and then all the sudden I was a half?  My person was gone and now I had to figure out my life without him (I am daily working on that one!). I am grateful everyday for the personal relationship I have with Jesus.  I am whole in Him and in my faith.  He comforts me and never leaves me.  Those of you who have that relationship know EXACTLY what I mean.  There is a verse (Phil. 4:7) that talks about the peace He gives that surpasses understanding.  Thankfully I have that peace.

Having God's peace and joy does not me I have not hurt. I have been so sad some days that I didn't think I could bear it!!  That is part of the surprising grief.  I have been intentionally trying to grieve well.  I have cried a lot!  Someone told me "if you are crying, you are healing". I have spent time alone.  I have spent lots of time with family and friends.  I have traveled.  I have redecorated parts of my home.  I have attended a griefshare group.  I have hosted guests in my home.  I have volunteered.  I have continued the Overcomers group that Mark loved.  I have read books on grief.  I listen to music. I spend time in God's word, it comforts me and teaches me. I just started a practice of writing out God's word after listening to a series by Dr. David Jeremiah.  I am starting with the book of Romans (one of my favorites).  I highly recommend his series on Romans 8 -the greatest chapter in the Bible (his title). I found it on Youtube.

The secondary losses that come when your loved one dies are hard and they hit you out of the blue most of the time.  I told Mark for years "If you leave me I will never be able to watch TV (I think we had 3 or 4 remotes for the TV, the Sound, etc) and when my computer stops working I am toast.  Good news - I still have working TV and I even managed to move my computer to another room and it is still working.  Even figured out printer issues.  I had to call Xfinity to negotiate a new deal when our "yearly" special ran out in June.  Something Mark grumbled about every year.  Professional sports have left my life, which is fine, I do not miss it.  I just never realized that it was a Mark thing that I enjoyed because he enjoyed it.  I can't bring myself to stop by the University yet.  Mark loved that place and his co-workers so much - it is an emotional trigger for sure.  I often cry when I talk to Pastor Dan because he was such an important person to Mark in the last few years.  Church is especially hard.  I make myself go because it is important but it is sometimes difficult.  It was such an integral part of our lives.  

Every where I turn, conversations, topics, places, foods, jokes.  Constant reminders of Mark.  He was a fun, crazy, caring man.  I smile most of the time when the memories hit me.  We talk about him a lot at family gatherings and when I am with you, -those who knew him!

Many of you have reached out in various ways and come along side me.  You have helped sustain me and I am so grateful to each of you.  I hope to be able to encourage others who find themselves on this difficult journey.

I have been told by a few and also read that the 2nd year can be even harder then the first.  WELL....ok, here we go!  One day at a time. 

This caringbridge is called Mark Momentary Trial.  His trial is over!  I am still in the midst of mine as are many of you.  We face trials everyday.  They can be as small as a flat tire or as big as losing a loved one.  Trials help us grow in our faith and relationships with others as we work through them.  This caringbridge will always be here if you ever want to read Mark's story but this is the last time I will be doing a journal update.  It was so important for us.  Keeping all of you updated for prayer and therapeutic as we wrote it - hashing out what to say and how to say it.  

At the time I am typing this, these journals have been visited 36,581 times.  That number always amazed and encouraged Mark.  We felt so loved by all of you.  I still feel that love and have so appreciated every comment, tribute, call, text, email, visit etc.

I am blessed beyond measure!!

With so much love to each of you,

Brenda

I am leaving you with a classic song and my favorite version of it.  Goodness of God by Cece Winans. We sang it at Mark's memorial service.