Lorrie’s Story

Site created on October 16, 2019

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Journal entry by Lorrie Stiles

Dear Sherpas,
This has the potential to be one of the most disjointed updates yet. It is a beautiful, sunny and warm day. Spring looks like it's on the way, pollen abounds but so too do spring flowers in the garden. And yet, my soul is "not well."

First, two young men in my orbit passed away this past week, suddenly and unexpectedly. Both were lovely, kind, generous and brilliant men with families that are processing the profound sadness of losing a loved one. I want to shake my fist at God and say, "This isn't fair" and yet I know life never promised to be fair. It is unexplainable and unknowable. This week, just this week, I wanted "fair."

I think I mentioned in my last post that I was being tested for an atypical bacterial infections. I had no idea at that time what that entailed. First of all, it took a full 3 months to get the results back....50 different tests were run, 50 different results pinged almost daily in my email. Long story short, I indeed have an atypical bacterial infection. I wasn't overly surprised. In my little pea brain I thought, OK 2 weeks of antibiotics. No biggie. Ha! Atypical bacterial infections are difficult to treat. They are resistant to most antibiotics and they have an outer membrane that protects them from the environment. I should have known something was fishy, when my Infectious  Disease Doctor said, "We'll start you off slowly so we can see how you tolerate it." Turns out my body didn't mind 2 of the meds, the 3rd one produced 30 hours of unpleasant and uncomfortable side effects. Oh, and did I mention that you'll be on these meds for a year. As Jeff and I processed this new diagnosis, I'd be lying if I didn't fess up to the thought we both had. Cancer wasn't enough? And what kept running through my mind was the song, "It Is Well With My Soul", mostly because it was not at all well with my soul.

It is well with my soul was written by Horatio G Spafford, a Chicago businessman. He and his wife and  4 daughters were advised by the family doctor to take a European holiday, primarily to improve Mrs. Spafffords health. At the last minute, Mr. Spafford postponed his departure (due to business matters). Mrs. Spafford and the 4 girls boarded the ship that was to take them across the ocean to Europe. The day after the departure, their boat collided with another vessel and sank within minutes. Mrs. Spaffored survived, the girls did not. This hymn was written by Mr. Spafford aboard a ship that would take him to meet his wife. This is the first verse.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say.
It is well, it is well with my soul."

Peace as I knew it eluded me. I needed a recalibration and I found it in using the first verse of this hymn as a prayer. 
 
I think I mentioned in a previous Caring Bridge that Help, Thank You, Wow! had become my outline for praying. It was easy to find reasons to be thankful and awestruck. But, I admit that most of my prayers of late have started with the word "help"! Somewhere along the path I had lost "Thank you and wow" I don't have a choice about lots of things in life but I do have a choice in how I respond. My response was derailed by what felt like an overwhelming sense of the enormity of what it would mean with this new diagnosis. I had prayer amnesia!  Not a good place to be. I have been fighting hard every day to find the good, the beautiful, the unexpected, the peaceful, the absolute glory in this life. I'm a little worn down but definitely doing better since I took my eyes off of myself and instead focused outward. There is no lack of beauty in this beautiful life God has planned for me. 

A little piece of good news is that I only have 361 more days on these meds. Jeff and the ID doc came up with a solution that may work. The trouble maker antibiotic will now be taken every day but at a lower concentration. 

Today I mourn for the 2 men gone before their time. And, at the same time I am so grateful for this crazy, unexplainable, precious life we've all been given.

It's a little after 2:00 on a beautiful day. The next time I wobble, I will remember this hymn because it is possible to be 'well' even when life can be so challenging.  I didn't even talk about cancer, yep I still have it.

Loving each of you and praying that you take out your scythe and knock down the weeds that prevent us from holding grief and peace at the same time.

Still me.




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