Journal entry by Lisa Pollard

So to back up just a bit, I did call first thing Monday morning June 3 to see if I could see a nurse and get some more drains out since two of them were producing much less than the 30cc target for two consecutive days required for removal.  They agreed and I went in and they took the second breast drain and the left hip drain out.  The right hip was still producing too much fluid so that had to stay.  I saw Dr Chetta again on June 6 and he wasn't really interested in talking about my return to work since I still have much healing to do but he did take mercy on me and let them take the last drain out even though it hadn't been under 30 for TWO days.  He knew I would be calling the next morning and coming back so we just avoided the dance.  

I still could not get fully straight up and am walking like an old woman and he told me to give that one more week and then I could start doing some stretches so that I can stand up straight and lay down flat in the bed.  My back aches from being hunched over.  But with all the drains out and the stitches starting to dissolve all we have to do is heal.

So today, I had a survivorship appointment that was scheduled before we knew I would have the three latest surgeries.  This was different.  This was more about other side effects and emotional healing.  When the PA asked how I "felt" about my current situation, I burst into tears without warning.  She asked about feelings and all that.  I'm fairly sure her notes did not match up with the survey I took before the appointment.  Lol.   We talked about how I still feel like a gutted fish with no stomach strength at all.  We talked about how I get so hot at night that I have been sleeping in the living room at night so I can open all the windows and get the temp down to freezing.  Apparently this is a side effect of both my surgeries and the Tamoxifen.  There is something they can give me for this which apparently is also an anti-depressant which she thought I might also benefit from.  Now I am sure her notes don't match my survey.  I never said I was depressed......but after the third tearful outburst, I am pretty sure she didn't believe me.  We talked about how my appointments would go from now for the next 5 years....every 3 months for the next year, then every 6 months for the next two years and then annually.  Never skip my annual appointment with my PCP, my annual with the gyn, my mammogram for the righty every year, etc, etc.  I get it.....I need to take care of myself.
So I went to Chetta's office and my singing nurse from the past, Lynell, told me that she also had a failed reconstruction.  She got an infection with the expander and when she tried to have the tummy flap she also had problems with clotting and had to have hers reversed.  I have been seeing this lady since October and never even noticed she was flat on one side.  She said, "see!  it will bother you and other people won't even notice".  She got a beautiful tattoo to cover her scars and said while we may be in the unlucky 5% this doesn't work for, we are in the lucky 5% that can get a big ole breast tattoo that will never sag as we get older.  I have actually been considering this.  Too soon to commit to something like that but it is a consideration.  Then the PA came in and we drained 60cc of fluid out of that wound.  So long story short, while I thought about re-scheduling my survivorship appointment, I was supposed to have that today so that I could get this taken care of and talk to Lynell.  They said there is a pretty good chance that it will build up again but is only usually about half as much the second time so I will pay attention and call if it happens again.  But all this does nothing to help with me getting released for work so I am forced to accept this pace.  For those of you that remember Carol Burnett......I walk a little less like Mrs. Wiggins every day.  Those skits are worth a watch if you haven't seen them in awhile.   #godgavemelynell  #littlecisgone #BigCisstillguidingmypath  #iwasmadlastweek  #godforgivesmeforthat   One of these days, I will have to share how I have not always been as positive as it may seem here.  I have had my moments.  I am so grateful they have been short lived.  But I've been scared.  I've been mad and all this healing this time for surgeries that were complete failures is frustrating.  I'm human.  
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