The last 3-4 months have been pretty crazy in cancer world for me. I sometimes get so consumed in my little bubble that I forget to reach out and tell you all what’s going on. I do apologize as I know all too well what it’s like waiting for an update. 

After a small chemo break through April and May for testing and options searching, the results confirmed my only source of continued treatment is palliative chemotherapy. I resumed the same chemo cocktail I started with over 2 years ago, again with hopes that my body would respond to it, to keep this disease in check. Unfortunately after 3 additional treatments and a CT scan, the unimaginable was determined. 

The chemotherapy is in fact no longer working for my body. The increasing symptoms I’ve been experiencing is the cancer itself attacking my body. 

I can’t even begin to describe or express the feelings and emotions that have filled my head over the last 12 hours. Fear, confusion, anger, disappointment and so much uncertainty it’s almost paralyzing. 

I continue to wonder what I’ve done wrong. What I could have done differently. What I should have done. The answers to those questions never end in my mind. 

Bottom line, this isn’t fucking fair! 

There. I said it. I’ve stomped my foot, I’ve pouted, I’ve cried all the tears. And you know what? It all doesn’t change a damn thing. 

So, with every ounce of strength I have left, I’m going to tackle another type of chemotherapy starting next week, as well as search for possible trial drugs that I may qualify for. 

On one hand I’m terrified of what’s to come. New side effects, new struggles, so many unknowns. On the other hand, I’m trying to get myself to put a positive spin on this that perhaps this new chemo is exactly what my body needs. Maybe this will be my miracle drug. 

I have the hardest time asking for help, but if you all could say a little prayer to the big guy on my behalf, I’d be forever grateful. Fingers crossed.