Babies are now 33 weeks and 5 days, and they are growing fast! Both of them just hit 4 pounds. Can't believe that they will be a month old on Wednesday. Time is flying.

They are holding their body temperatures well enough now that they can be swaddled and wear clothes inside of their isolettes. Both of the kiddos came off oxygen in the last week (YAY) and they are doing a great job of breathing on their own. We can even start bringing in clothes for them to wear! Excited about this because they look more like babies when they can wear clothes and it makes it feel like the end is in sight. Katie Ratkowski made us some really cute baby tunics that they can wear that will keep them warm and very stylish during the rest of their stay. :D 

No heart rate drops in the last few days. This feels like a miracle. Crossing our fingers it stays this way until we start the journey that is feeding from a bottle/breastfeeding. I remember Jace started having more significant heart rate drops once he was taking a bottle - hopefully L&L's experience with feeding goes much differently than his did. 

Dan talked to the nurse yesterday while I stayed home with Jace, and she said that Link isn't scheduled for another follow-up head ultrasound until closer to discharge. She also said that if the docs were worried about his brain bleed correcting itself, then they would have ordered more scans by this point - hoping that stays true and his brain looks good by the time we leave.

Both of their blood sugars have been testing well. They moved their feeds up to Q3 yesterday instead of Q2, which is good. I think they are eating the same and near the same rates now. They began adding 22 calorie HMF to their feeds last week and they are still doing well with that. Sometimes their tummies get a little bloated in trying to break it down, but for the most part they are tolerating it okay. Our nurse Gus showed us how we can massage their stomachs to help relieve some of the gas and help comfort them when their bellies get too big.

Gus made a small comment the other day that we should be getting close to home in about three weeks, so that is exciting! Also terrifying - I feel like we have so much to do and so much to figure out before they come home. Crazy how they just let you take them home, like we are supposed to know what to do with two babies now. 😉 

Overall, everyone has expressed how impressed they are with L&L's progress. It's both a relief and also a little nerve-wrecking. I keep feeling like something terrible is going to come out of nowhere and rip the rug out. Maybe it's hormones or maybe I just have PTSD from when Jace was in the hospital and every day felt like a constant battle. Or maybe I watch too much television and the rules of fictional foreshadowing are beating me over the head.

Anxiety is a stupid, stupid thing. Wish I could just relax and enjoy the fact that they are okay instead of worrying about nothing. My brain keeps flashing back to the day my water broke. It sounds really, really stupid, but I suppose when you are in crisis mode you just keep asking yourself,

"Why did I have to make that comment at work about how ready I was to be done with pregnancy?
And why did the universe have to listen and take me seriously?
Why did I say all of that stuff right before bed about how we were going to make it past 30 weeks this time?
Why did I read all of those pregnancy forums that day about NICU stays and think how lucky we were that we were going to avoid it this time?
Why do I feel like the universe is punishing me?
What could I have done differently
and why can't I just face the fact that this wasn't my fault this time and it wasn't my fault last time?"

It's cool though. I know these feelings will all go away with time. Just sucks right now. Every minute feels like a rollercoaster. Goddamn hormones. Babies are cute though, and that helps.