Journal entry by Libby Garcia —
Once again it's been a while since I've updated.....It's a good thing that life gets in the way 😍
My latest scans at MDA were not what I was expecting. So much so, that when the Doc first told me I did not even acknowledge it at the time. It took a week for it to sink in that she said 2 main things: there was new cancer activity (very small) and my chemo pills were not working. I was offered a clinical trial that after talking to the Nurse in charge of the trial and reading about it, I determined it was not for me. We decided to try a different Chemo pill. A third option was IV Chemo with immuno therapy. I go again for scans at the end of November. This gives me time to also look at alternative treatment plans across the US and outside. I've reached out and been given loads of info that I'm researching and trying to let something "come to me".
I am a naturally optimistic person --- but after hearing this I felt hopeless. I even felt like a fool for being to optimistic for so long. It felt like I was hearing the news for the first time all over again. After a few weeks or so of a pity party I felt normal again, and I realized that even though I received the diagnosis I wasn't expecting, it didn't change the way I feel. I still feel good, for the most part. I still can work and exercise and socialize and travel. 🙌 I was reminded of a realization I had a long time ago; scans were just information. I do with it what I want. So I am still living life as long as I am here 😘
I had a break-through with a Meditation I had with my "life coach" Amanda Rose. Anytime I was told "congrats on the positive scans" or "you're looking so good" or "you're like a miracle" ---- I could never really celebrate. It made me uncomfortable. I would always replay with "thank you but please keep praying" or "the battle is not over". I was scared people would stop praying for me, or forget about my cancer journey. The break-through was that if I celebrated I would ultimately die or give up, because with the support, love, prayers and positive energy taking place for me I would not be here. When they say it takes a village, it's not just a cliché. It's very true. It's my truth. Without my support system I would not be here. So instead of being scared to celebrate, I am trusting in my people, the work of staying healthy and my God. I remain hopeful of many more celebrations🙏
It's also been very bizarre to think about how a year ago today I was in the hospital. I had just learned of the fluid in my right chest cavity that had collapsed my lung and they put a drain in to release that fluid. I had felt so much better! After months and months of not being able to breathe I could finally fill my lung up with air. I was stuck in the hospital, alone except for one visitor at a time for one hour at a time. I had no clue what was to come and how my life would change forever with these words: "you have cancer and have 12 months to live". My counselor said I should have a "Survivor Party" to celebrate the year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. So I am excited to celebrate a year of life next week. I've been through some of the hardest battles and have some nasty scars to prove it. I've almost died. I've been alone in the hospital for weeks. I've had to stay still for 57 minutes while a gamma radiation knife beams through my head. I've had to endure chemo brain (which literally effects my speech) and fatigue. BUT I have also experienced miracles. I have felt to strong after enduring so much. I have Traveled with friends. Seen my family change and become closer. I am no longer terrified of death (doesn't mean I want to go there yet 😉) and I have become stronger and more open to love, gratitude for simple things and enjoying the present moment. I am beyond grateful for so many things. I am thankful to be here. And like I have said before, I know it is supposed to be me that is in the particular battle.
A speaker I just heard, Katherine Wolfe, experienced tons of hardships and physical pain at a young age. She is a beautiful example of light for those living in the dark. She has physical impairments, including a wheel chair. However, we all have wheel chairs, some are just visible. She said our super power is from within and the world cannot take that away. Amen to that! The world with all the political crisis, racial divides, world wide pandemic, everyday pain and suffering can take its toll, but it cannot take away our internal power!
My latest scans at MDA were not what I was expecting. So much so, that when the Doc first told me I did not even acknowledge it at the time. It took a week for it to sink in that she said 2 main things: there was new cancer activity (very small) and my chemo pills were not working. I was offered a clinical trial that after talking to the Nurse in charge of the trial and reading about it, I determined it was not for me. We decided to try a different Chemo pill. A third option was IV Chemo with immuno therapy. I go again for scans at the end of November. This gives me time to also look at alternative treatment plans across the US and outside. I've reached out and been given loads of info that I'm researching and trying to let something "come to me".
I am a naturally optimistic person --- but after hearing this I felt hopeless. I even felt like a fool for being to optimistic for so long. It felt like I was hearing the news for the first time all over again. After a few weeks or so of a pity party I felt normal again, and I realized that even though I received the diagnosis I wasn't expecting, it didn't change the way I feel. I still feel good, for the most part. I still can work and exercise and socialize and travel. 🙌 I was reminded of a realization I had a long time ago; scans were just information. I do with it what I want. So I am still living life as long as I am here 😘
I had a break-through with a Meditation I had with my "life coach" Amanda Rose. Anytime I was told "congrats on the positive scans" or "you're looking so good" or "you're like a miracle" ---- I could never really celebrate. It made me uncomfortable. I would always replay with "thank you but please keep praying" or "the battle is not over". I was scared people would stop praying for me, or forget about my cancer journey. The break-through was that if I celebrated I would ultimately die or give up, because with the support, love, prayers and positive energy taking place for me I would not be here. When they say it takes a village, it's not just a cliché. It's very true. It's my truth. Without my support system I would not be here. So instead of being scared to celebrate, I am trusting in my people, the work of staying healthy and my God. I remain hopeful of many more celebrations🙏
It's also been very bizarre to think about how a year ago today I was in the hospital. I had just learned of the fluid in my right chest cavity that had collapsed my lung and they put a drain in to release that fluid. I had felt so much better! After months and months of not being able to breathe I could finally fill my lung up with air. I was stuck in the hospital, alone except for one visitor at a time for one hour at a time. I had no clue what was to come and how my life would change forever with these words: "you have cancer and have 12 months to live". My counselor said I should have a "Survivor Party" to celebrate the year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. So I am excited to celebrate a year of life next week. I've been through some of the hardest battles and have some nasty scars to prove it. I've almost died. I've been alone in the hospital for weeks. I've had to stay still for 57 minutes while a gamma radiation knife beams through my head. I've had to endure chemo brain (which literally effects my speech) and fatigue. BUT I have also experienced miracles. I have felt to strong after enduring so much. I have Traveled with friends. Seen my family change and become closer. I am no longer terrified of death (doesn't mean I want to go there yet 😉) and I have become stronger and more open to love, gratitude for simple things and enjoying the present moment. I am beyond grateful for so many things. I am thankful to be here. And like I have said before, I know it is supposed to be me that is in the particular battle.
A speaker I just heard, Katherine Wolfe, experienced tons of hardships and physical pain at a young age. She is a beautiful example of light for those living in the dark. She has physical impairments, including a wheel chair. However, we all have wheel chairs, some are just visible. She said our super power is from within and the world cannot take that away. Amen to that! The world with all the political crisis, racial divides, world wide pandemic, everyday pain and suffering can take its toll, but it cannot take away our internal power!
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