Journal entry by Lelah Norris —
It's been awhile!
Here it is, down and dirty: this sucks. Having the expanders placed sucks. The pain and nerve jabbing sucks. The fills suck. The infection sucks. I am really down and discouraged.
I have not been able to fill due to a fungal (I know that sounds nasty) infection on the top of my skin. They tell me its because of the heat, lord bless it, and I have no doubt. My body is not tolerating the heat as I just sweat immediately. I am so bored with not being able to do anything that I have just started to work through the pain and do it. Sometimes I think the pain makes me feel alive. I have come to realize that my greatest fear in life is that I would be considered lazy or someone who does not work hard. Then I remember God is good. God is sovereign. God loves me.
I start work on the 12 and am scared to death I will not be able to remember anything or be as I once was. I hope I'm not. I hope, I have a changed spirit and that I am more compassionate towards those around me. I hope, I am able to physically do the job because right now I have my doubts. God is in this to.
I actually had to go out and buy bigger scrubs as I am still hanging on to my chemo weight! (I have no idea why, lol maybe its because these tissue expanders are trying to stab at my ribs constantly) I try and remember that I am only 4 months cancer free and that it is a marathon not a sprint.
I am frustrated because my body betrays me daily. For some reason I have been consumed with what cancer has taken from me lately; my hair, my boobs, my chance at children, my work, my enjoyment, my time. Again God is sovereign still. He suffered for me and who am I? I am made uncomfortable with my sin daily and then turn it over to him continously. Being humbled by my constant disobedience to Christ wears on me like walking uphill in a hard wind but the view when I get to the top of the hill is so worth the struggle. Taking in that deep breath of forgiveness and fresh air that He gives makes the load seem lighter.
Please pray for my constant discomfort and pain. Pray for my impatient mind and the courage to go through each day.
I have tried very hard to be stoic thus far and not overshared but dang it, this is hard and I need prayer.
Thank you for your continued support and love you have no idea how much it means.
Here it is, down and dirty: this sucks. Having the expanders placed sucks. The pain and nerve jabbing sucks. The fills suck. The infection sucks. I am really down and discouraged.
I have not been able to fill due to a fungal (I know that sounds nasty) infection on the top of my skin. They tell me its because of the heat, lord bless it, and I have no doubt. My body is not tolerating the heat as I just sweat immediately. I am so bored with not being able to do anything that I have just started to work through the pain and do it. Sometimes I think the pain makes me feel alive. I have come to realize that my greatest fear in life is that I would be considered lazy or someone who does not work hard. Then I remember God is good. God is sovereign. God loves me.
I start work on the 12 and am scared to death I will not be able to remember anything or be as I once was. I hope I'm not. I hope, I have a changed spirit and that I am more compassionate towards those around me. I hope, I am able to physically do the job because right now I have my doubts. God is in this to.
I actually had to go out and buy bigger scrubs as I am still hanging on to my chemo weight! (I have no idea why, lol maybe its because these tissue expanders are trying to stab at my ribs constantly) I try and remember that I am only 4 months cancer free and that it is a marathon not a sprint.
I am frustrated because my body betrays me daily. For some reason I have been consumed with what cancer has taken from me lately; my hair, my boobs, my chance at children, my work, my enjoyment, my time. Again God is sovereign still. He suffered for me and who am I? I am made uncomfortable with my sin daily and then turn it over to him continously. Being humbled by my constant disobedience to Christ wears on me like walking uphill in a hard wind but the view when I get to the top of the hill is so worth the struggle. Taking in that deep breath of forgiveness and fresh air that He gives makes the load seem lighter.
Please pray for my constant discomfort and pain. Pray for my impatient mind and the courage to go through each day.
I have tried very hard to be stoic thus far and not overshared but dang it, this is hard and I need prayer.
Thank you for your continued support and love you have no idea how much it means.
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