“Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds”.  Hebrews 10:24-25 International Children’s Bible

Happy New Year!  A new decade.  A new life.  A new opportunity awaits.  The holiday season has been much harder than any of us imagined.  I made it through with a zombie approach of just walking it through.  As I sit thinking about the year 2020 and all the puns on ‘clear vision’ that the year 2020 brings, I long to have a clear vision on what God’s plans are for me and my family. 

All those feelings that I have written about since October, haven’t gone anywhere.  They haven’t progressed.  They just rotate around in my heart and mind – depending on the day; a Russian roulette of sorts.  Each morning I wait to see which emotion will pop up for the moment.  As I straddle the chasm of my life of remembering Lawrence but knowing I must look forward and continue, his famous advice comes to me again and again.  When anyone, including myself was faced with a disappointment in life, he would say “Just turn the page and start a new chapter.”  As I have told many, “my” next chapter always included him.  

In 2000 when I left my first ‘real’ job of 11 years, Lawrence was there to encourage me.  In 2001, while six months pregnant with Lawson, Lawrence encouraged me to try a new opportunity that was presented to me.  In 2005, when that opportunity came to an end, Lawrence was waiting on me as I walked out the door to accompany me to go by a laptop and then to lunch so we could make plans.  In 2008, when another opportunity came around, Lawrence was there to say ‘go for it’.  In 2019, Lawrence and I discussed lots of ‘big’ topics – our last projects to finish on the house, what we both wanted to do long term, what our retirement plans were and what did I want to do next as I felt my time at my current job was nearing completion.  We talked about having fun which always involved work – whether work around the house or job related.  He even offered up one of his garage bays for me to start refinishing furniture – which I think was just a ploy to get a new van because he insisted, I would need a new sprinter van to haul the furniture around and to feed his addiction to Facebook marketplace – he would buy it and I would refinish it! On December 20th as I left my job after 11 years, Lawrence wasn’t there to pick me up to go grab lunch as we had done before to make our plans.  Since he has always been my number one fan, I know he is cheering me on from Heaven but selfishly I really need him here.  

You see I stand here on the beginning a of new decade and my heart knows that God is starting something new.  But Lawrence was always the risk taker and my encourager.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  So I KNOW I must trust God, which isn’t risky in the least, but why is it so hard to do?  Why is the thought of being a single parent to two great teenagers so scary?  Why does my heart race at night as I rehash the day with the kids to make sure I have done everything I should for them?  Lawrence was the laid-back, fun, child-like parent so I test myself to see did I handle things like he would have done. And then I remind myself to do my best and trust the Lord. I remind myself to not get ‘wound-up’ as Lawrence would say about things – just let them unfold and do the right thing.

Lawrence’s niece, Heather, posted this on Facebook on December 19th and I have thought of it often.

…I was just typing an update to the Uncle Lawrence news in our author newsletter (since I'd mentioned him last month), and in the process highlighted what was perhaps the brightest moment of the funeral night: When the family processed into the church...to find its 1000 seats nearly packed to capacity.

All the people in those seats had been drawn to Uncle Lawrence for a plethora of different reasons, but most of them came down to the fact that he was just GOOD to people. He treated everyone as if they were the most important person in the room, and there was warmth even in heated arguments about movies and politics.

We tend to think that only wide, dramatic sweeps of generosity are the ones that matter, but as I gazed in awe around that church, I realized that any dramatic gestures Uncle Lawrence made still paled in comparison to the small, constant goodnesses that drew ‘that many’ people together to grieve for him. I don't think Uncle Lawrence ‘himself’ realized how many people he'd impacted in his lifetime. All this to say: There is power in a small, good deed. And if those 1000 seats are any indication, there is ENORMOUS power in small, good deeds repeated.

 So the title of my new chapter is “Loving Others + Doing Good + Trusting the Lord  = Clear Vision”.  A little long I admit but it is a work in progress…..

This will be my last Caring Bridge update.  Thank you again for your love and friendship over these past months.  I can’t explain it but you give me strength to take the next step.  I thank you for allowing me into your life as I work through my grief.  I pray that these words have in someway helped you through your own hardships.  Loosing Lawrence has awakened my senses to the tragedy and death all around us.  I am not the only one dealing with loss this season.  So many around us are hurting or healing from past loss.  A friend, Resha Adkins, who lost her husband almost two years ago summed up my thoughts very well – “I’m so thankful for the blessings of children, friends, family, and a God who gives me the reassurance that one day we will see Brian again, but until then we have to live the best life possible! Happy 2020, look forward, not back, love the people you have and live every day like it might be your last!”  Yes Lawrence, we will see you again too but until then we are going to live our best life possible! I encourage each of you to live your best life possible with the realization that each day could be your last.  Love those around you fully - everyday!

 janet

(I have posted Lawrence’s service on my YouTube channel – just search for Lawrence Rosman for anyone that wasn’t able to make the service)