Happy 40th birthday to my most beautiful bride!!!

If only we were celebrating this milestone with you in the flesh!!

There is not one day in the past 10.5 months that I have not mourned your passing, wished you were here, or regretted that we were not able to usher in this decade of your life with life.

As much as it appears that I have begun to move forward, I still feel mired down with the loss of your presence, the daily reminders of your love and support, the formidable presence we provided for our children, and the model of deep love and devotion we provided for those on the outside looking in on our relationship. 

You were and are my everything. My heart remains hard; where once my heart was overflowing with endless enthusiasm, energy, and love, there is remains a hole that cannot heal and cannot be filled because you’re no longer by my side in this world.

I work hard every single day to treat people with the love and respect you taught me, to be part of the wider communities in which you and E were so enmeshed, and to be as strong as I was when you had my back. Often, I fail! Often, I recede into the safety of our home! Often, I still find myself cursing the disease that ripped you from our lives. And, just as often, my eyes well up from the memories of the profound love we have for one another.

On your 40th birthday, I am grateful that I am still able to celebrate your life! I am grateful that I was loved and was able to love you in a way I did not know I could. On your 40th birthday, I hope you are proud of how I have navigated the days, weeks, and months without you. And mostly, on your 40th birthday, I want to remember YOU!!! I hope you know how profoundly you affected this world and how much I know you are making that world more “heavenly” with your beautiful smile and your huge love.

So as hard as it is not to be able to celebrate today with you; today will always be about you! A time to reflect and remember.

And, tomorrow, March 4, I will also reflect and remember that it was 9 years ago that we first met in person and began this journey.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!!!! YOU’RE STILL THE BEST!!! LOVING YOU ALWAYS.