I often hear the following phrase from people..."You look so good!" I really like hearing that. No one wants to look sick or "bad." However, I need to make a confession to you all. I am a good actress...hider of how I'm feeling...fooler of those closest to me. Yep, I may look good, but often, I don't feel as good as I'd like to feel. I'm not going to complain, but let me explain.

My heart issues are very real and impact my life quite a bit. Because of them, I can't walk very fast (which is hard for me because I'm typically a fast walker!) and get winded easily. I find that I have to ask people I'm with to slow down and I feel embarrassed about that, but also remind myself that this is what I need to do. I have had multiple times when it's been raining or cold and I've walked too quickly into a building and then had to hold onto something so I wouldn't pass out. I also find that there are times when I can't stand for long. I just get tired. Sitting around a lot makes me feel useless, but again, I remind myself that I'm not lazy. I'm doing what I can. We have 15 steps going up to our bedroom here in WI and I get winded walking up them. There's a chair at the top of the stairs and I have to sit down when I reach the top to catch my breath. For real. Bending over makes me lose my breath, too. I mean, come on!

There's the mental struggle too. A huge part of me says, "Hey, all the tests showed that you're cancer free! Now you can feel good and get back to doing life like always." Those thoughts bring me down because I know that, right now, because of my heart, I have to make a lot of concessions in what I do and how and when I do it. I look in the mirror and I look different. I may not look much different to y'all, but I can see the still swollen eye from when I passed out, the extra skin on my face and neck due to the extreme swelling, the fatigue that I feel like I am constantly dealing with settling in my eyes. I'm not depressed or even sad. These are just thoughts that flit in and out of my mind once in a while. Thank the Lord for worship music that helps me reset and refocus! 

The final thing that still impacts me daily is the lack of saliva production. It sounds small, but let me tell you that it changes so much. If you have a queasy stomach about saliva, skip to the next paragraph! Not just the act of eating, but my breath (yes, if I've offended you with halitosis, I sincerely apologize! The amount of mints, Listerine strips, mouthwash and gum I go through is dumb), how so many foods, breath fresheners, and drinks seem to leave a weird taste and film in my mouth. I wake up in the night with my mouth so dry I can barely stand it. Finding foods that sound good is not easy and I've lost my desire for sweet things. Even some water - yes, water - tastes sweet to me! Weird.

Overall, I am feeling good. Really. I just want people who are in a situation similar to mine to know they're not alone. Cancer and cancer treatment does weird things to one's body. Sometimes those things go away and sometimes they don't. I'm still praying that my saliva production comes back and my heart is healed. God is a big God and he cares about and can fix even the smallest things (like saliva). For now, I'll settle for looking better than I feel :).

Today's song is Wait on You by Hillsong & Diana Trout