When I started signing off all of my CaringBridge updates with, “More to come,” it began in my brain as simply to say, “I’ll share more info later.” As time went on, “more to come” became my mantra, my fight song. It pushed me through the really crappy days, and helped me rally on my good days; reminding me that there was more coming. More life, more lovin’, more good days, more laughter, simply…MORE. 

What I didn’t fully realize was that, for some people, cancer doesn’t just end when you finish chemo or get the clean bill of health at your 3-month checkup (or whatever milestone you set your sights on). For some, like myself, there are everyday reminders of the struggles cancer patients go through. There are after-effects and side effects that linger. Daily pain from neuropathy, stamina that doesn’t just bounce back, days of unending exhaustion. For some, the cancer “journey” changes us. We truly experience a trauma response; PTSD is not uncommon in cancer survivors. Simply driving past the Coborn Cancer Center makes my heart pound and panic creeps in, making me feel sick to my stomach. 

This summer, I began having seizures again after being seizure-free for a long time. This past weekend they were out of control, and I ended up in the ER twice. The second time, I was admitted to the hospital, and the neurologist ordered a video EEG to monitor my brain for seizure activity. It soon became clear that these were, in fact, non-epileptic seizures. (See the link at end of this post for more info.)

 

So instead, I was diagnosed with “a mood disorder due to a known physiological condition.” According to my doctors, the seizures I was having were physical manifestations of anxiety and depression. The doctors made the connection that I had not (have not) mentally processed my cancer experience, and my body was responding to that. Even a year later. 

I’m sharing this to bring mental health into the light; to not brush mental illness under the rug once again. I’m not ashamed of my struggles. No one should be ashamed of mental illness or struggles. 

It has helped simply to have put words to what I’ve been feeling, but I know that I still have a lot of work to do. I’m getting there. I’ll get there. 

Thank you for being in my life. I love each and every one of you. 

More to come,

Kim

https://www.epilepsy.com/article/2013/1/nonepileptic-seizures-–-what-are-they-and-what-can-i-do