Update written by Kierstin, recorded by Rebecca
One day in April 2018, life as I knew it changed in a way that was completely out of my control. The ways that I had found comfort, a lot of my dearly held freedoms and what I thought provided my peace, were stolen from me by an invisible enemy. Sound familiar? As a result, I was no longer independently able to: go to the grocery store, prepare a meal for myself, just jump in the car and run to Target for a few things, hop on an airplane to see my sister, perform my job the same way, and I’m living back with my parents so you know what that means for privacy. (Gulp)
When this current, global pandemic hit I found myself having a lot of peace. Crazy, I know. Why? For two years I have journeyed through the ups and downs of a limited life and have found what true peace really means through my own personal pandemic.
Where do you find your peace? Where do you find your comfort? Where do you find your freedom? Is it in the freedom to have alone time, is it the freedom to choose and make the meals that you want to whenever you want to, do you find your peace in being solely reliant on yourself for your income, do you find your peace in the small joys that delight your heart such as seeing a neighbor, friend or relative’s smile.
What I have learned is that these things are blessings but not the source of true peace. These things can be fleeting, they can be circumstantial, and they can change. I have found the one thing that doesn’t change, that one thing which can’t be taken away from me.
After I lost my leg and then my eyesight, I experienced everything in a different way which was difficult to get used to. For example: having to listen to my nieces and nephews open their presents instead of watching them, not having eye contact and sharing expressions when having conversations with family and friends, having to ask for help to do things that I had done for myself for years, getting ready without being able to see myself, not being able to scroll through social media, not seeing my own handwriting or writing something in my own hand.
But by spending time with God it was clear to me that I was never going to get what I thought I needed from those things. I only receive true peace and comfort that is lasting from God. Even if you calm the wind and the waves around you there will always be more wind and waves. The answer is to let God calm the storm inside of you so that you can stand tall no matter the weather. This can be easier said than done, I completely understand that. But it is possible.
I am now at a place where my relationship with Jesus is more important than my eyesight. And however unbelievable that may sound, I now have more moments of joy than I have ever had before. So what really changed? Because my circumstances didn’t get any better. Before my personal pandemic I was always searching for peace in the wrong things and now God has led me back into His arms of complete comfort and peace. What I have found is that God has answers to my deepest questions that I never would have come to on my own. And it really took these changes in my life to “open my eyes”.
You matter to me, and you matter to God, so much that He had you in mind when He inspired me to write this. If you move closer to allowing God to calm the storms within you just in reading this, then what I went through is worth it to me.
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
If you are struggling like I was to find peace, the answer lies in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. All you have to do is ask Him who knows and loves you best.
Order, Disorder, Reorder by Jason Gray