Journal entry by Kelsey Hristova —
I HAVE CONQUERED TRIPLE NEGATIVE STAGE 2B BREAST CANCER.
My breast cancer journey officially commenced almost 11 weeks ago!
It's taken me 11 weeks to fully accept, surrender, embrace, reflect, and move through this cancer journey. To celebrate the death of my cancer journey.
In "normal" circumstances I would have had a blessed ceremony with all my loved ones, adorned with flowers, dancing, singing, gratitude, and love.
I still did have that...but within, with ME :)
There has been a lot a trauma to work/acknowledge/process/move through.
There has been a lot of reflection, darkness, awareness, silence, despair, and awe.
I have been unlearning and learning about our country, our history. How we treat one another.
How Black Lives Matter. How we can be better at being actively anti-rasict.
How we can have difficult conversations to stand up for the justice, freedom, and equality we believe in. How we can be better and do better.
So I have been trying to do better. Be a better listener.
With the global pandemic and the largest civil rights movement in history....
my cancer journey was a blip in the grand scheme of things.
None the less, as these weeks have passed where some are living a life of fear, uncertainty, hate, greed, illness, and death.....I found myself in territory I have been in before...the unknown.
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Recognizing suffering is when expectations are not met. Continuing to be here now. Fully embracing this human experience everyday.
Taking it one day at a time. Being kind. Being useful.
Even with chaos all around...somehow remaining grounded (when I can).
Finding the fruitful darkness. Recognizing how lucky I am that I am alive. Recognizing my white privledge. Recognizing the privilege of having access to running water and a roof above my head.
So, thank you. Thank you for being alongside me while I embarked this journey. Thank you for all your support, for reading, for caring. This has and is a wild ride...this life. But...I am here for it.
This will be my last post on this blog as I HAVE CONQUERED BREAST CANCER.
I will taking these blogs over to a website I WILL MAKE.
These blogs will assist in the creation of the Spiritual Guide to Breast Cancer.
So, thank you again, seriously. I am well aware of the army of love I have around me all the time.
I am beyond blessed to have family that are friends and friends that are family.
(I say it all the time, but the gratitude I have for this is so potent).
I would not have gotten through without the love. It's physics.
Love conquers fear.
Period. End of story.....
......
But here's a little more of my story...to share about the final end point of my cancer journey.
On Saturday night 5/9/2020 on the beach with Stefan, my moms, my brother, and champagne-
I took my last dosage of Xeloda oral chemotherapy pills. And DAMN it felt GOOD.
I actually found out only the day before on a zoom call with Judy the OG oncologist that the next day can be my last day of taking oral chemo pills, that we can claim victory, and that she is on board with Stefan and I starting to make babies the al natural way come January 2021 (!)
On the beach that night 5/9/2020 I sang the words of Lenny Kravitz before I tossed the last Xeloda pills back with champagne.
"So many tears I've cried,
so much pain inside
But baby it ain't over till it's over"
And its fcuking over. BOOM. DONE.
From the day I got the phone call (on my mothers birthday 4/17/2019) saying 2 large lumps were found in my left breast from MRI taken the day before until this moment....
cancer took the all the cake.
For over a year I was running a marathon to obliterate cancer in my body and make sure that it never comes back again. I went all in Western and Eastern Medicine. This meant taking care of my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies. This meant I would end up injecting myself with IVF drugs, getting 3 embryos frozen, 4 weeks of the bigs guns A&C IV chemo (with a side of steroids), 4 weeks of double dosed IV Taxol, followed up a double mastectomy surgery with expanders put in, Xeloda oral chemo for 6 months, explander to implant surgery.
Mind you.... I don't even take Advil and never even broken a bone (just saying)
But, cancer is no joke. Triple Negative Breast cancer is the fastest growing of the breast cancers.
Of course a part of me wanted to reject all traditional treatment and go to a center in Germany and eradicate it holistically. But...another part of me recognized how lucky I am to have caught it early before it spread....and that was due to western technology of MRIS and genetic testing (found out I was BRCA1 + in Feb 2019 after my dad found out he was years after he conquered prostate cancer)....how lucky I am to live in MA...the state where Dana Farber is located. So, I went all in.
I was an A+ patient (dead ass, ask around). I listened, followed all the rules, and kept clear boundaries. I used holistic options (accupuncture, ganja, meditation, yoga, crystals, mantras, nature, the elements, celery juice to name a few) instead of the "extra meds" you automatically get prescribed for combating side effects and symptoms. I did all the research I could to figure out how I could make this suck less. I knew it wasn't going to be fun, but I also knew it was best for me to focus on the things I CAN CONTROL.
(Insert Eastern medicine). The power of now, the eternal now, taking it day by day. Having the discipline to have daily non-negotiable habits. Which are, ironically, for the most part, been slowly instilled in my core since I graduated from college in 2011 upon finding yoga and "wellness".
Which are...ironically things we all know we should be doing...Which are ironically....habits that would lessen the side effects of chemo, better my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies.
Which are...still sacred rituals I practice till this day...
Which are...drinking 1/2 my weight in oz of water, drinking herbal tea, meditating, practicing yoga, moving my body, spending time in nature, eating a plant based diet, limiting alcohol consumption, having a healthy sex life, and getting 7-9 hours of sleep every night. I do all the above sacred rituals everyday, most of the time. Like so many signs, healings, downloads I have received from source....the last day taking my oral chemo pills was day 111 in a row I had meditated.
As I am writing this, today is the 186th day in a row I have meditated. I have instilled these habits into my lifestyle...and luckily I was already working on getting to this point for almost a decade so I am pretty good at it by now ;)
Don't get it twisted this journey was/is dark..but its all part of it.
I quickly recognized how living in a state of what ifs, uncertainty, fear, fear of the unknown, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of pain...did not serve me.
It did not serve me to worry about the million things that could possibly "go wrong" ...with my outcome, my treatment plan, side effects, surgery, having a family...just to name a few.
I recognized how defeated and depleted feeling sorry for myself, worrying, and being afraid made me feel. I recognized how focusing on what I can control- taking it day by day, living in a state of gratitude, living in a state of love, listening to what people have to say, paying attention to ALL the signs our guides are throwing at us all the time, being in the now, having patience, having compassion, treating my body as the sacred temple it is...resulted in me having faith and trust in the universe and myself.
No matter what horrible nightmare we may wake up to somedays...the only way out is through.
Having gone through over a year of cancer trauma and now in this global pandemic and injustice...
I still can't help but be in awe of it all.
I am serious when I say this.
The sun still continues to rise and set. The moon still waxes and wanes. The tides flow in and out.
We are still here. We are breathing, we are alive.
We have the choice to act within the wisdom of our hearts.
We have the ability to be better, do better, and take action.
We can treat each other as brothers and sisters.
We can be conscious citizens instead of mindless consumers.
We can tend, love, and take care of Mother Earth.
We can clean up the waters.
We can choose to act, and know that we did all we could to make this world a better place.
From my heart to yours,
Thank you for your support,
Thank you for reading,
Thank you for caring.
Happy to be on the road,
In peace, love,
xxKelsey Jean HristovaXX
My breast cancer journey officially commenced almost 11 weeks ago!
It's taken me 11 weeks to fully accept, surrender, embrace, reflect, and move through this cancer journey. To celebrate the death of my cancer journey.
In "normal" circumstances I would have had a blessed ceremony with all my loved ones, adorned with flowers, dancing, singing, gratitude, and love.
I still did have that...but within, with ME :)
There has been a lot a trauma to work/acknowledge/process/move through.
There has been a lot of reflection, darkness, awareness, silence, despair, and awe.
I have been unlearning and learning about our country, our history. How we treat one another.
How Black Lives Matter. How we can be better at being actively anti-rasict.
How we can have difficult conversations to stand up for the justice, freedom, and equality we believe in. How we can be better and do better.
So I have been trying to do better. Be a better listener.
With the global pandemic and the largest civil rights movement in history....
my cancer journey was a blip in the grand scheme of things.
None the less, as these weeks have passed where some are living a life of fear, uncertainty, hate, greed, illness, and death.....I found myself in territory I have been in before...the unknown.
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Recognizing suffering is when expectations are not met. Continuing to be here now. Fully embracing this human experience everyday.
Taking it one day at a time. Being kind. Being useful.
Even with chaos all around...somehow remaining grounded (when I can).
Finding the fruitful darkness. Recognizing how lucky I am that I am alive. Recognizing my white privledge. Recognizing the privilege of having access to running water and a roof above my head.
So, thank you. Thank you for being alongside me while I embarked this journey. Thank you for all your support, for reading, for caring. This has and is a wild ride...this life. But...I am here for it.
This will be my last post on this blog as I HAVE CONQUERED BREAST CANCER.
I will taking these blogs over to a website I WILL MAKE.
These blogs will assist in the creation of the Spiritual Guide to Breast Cancer.
So, thank you again, seriously. I am well aware of the army of love I have around me all the time.
I am beyond blessed to have family that are friends and friends that are family.
(I say it all the time, but the gratitude I have for this is so potent).
I would not have gotten through without the love. It's physics.
Love conquers fear.
Period. End of story.....
......
But here's a little more of my story...to share about the final end point of my cancer journey.
On Saturday night 5/9/2020 on the beach with Stefan, my moms, my brother, and champagne-
I took my last dosage of Xeloda oral chemotherapy pills. And DAMN it felt GOOD.
I actually found out only the day before on a zoom call with Judy the OG oncologist that the next day can be my last day of taking oral chemo pills, that we can claim victory, and that she is on board with Stefan and I starting to make babies the al natural way come January 2021 (!)
On the beach that night 5/9/2020 I sang the words of Lenny Kravitz before I tossed the last Xeloda pills back with champagne.
"So many tears I've cried,
so much pain inside
But baby it ain't over till it's over"
And its fcuking over. BOOM. DONE.
From the day I got the phone call (on my mothers birthday 4/17/2019) saying 2 large lumps were found in my left breast from MRI taken the day before until this moment....
cancer took the all the cake.
For over a year I was running a marathon to obliterate cancer in my body and make sure that it never comes back again. I went all in Western and Eastern Medicine. This meant taking care of my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies. This meant I would end up injecting myself with IVF drugs, getting 3 embryos frozen, 4 weeks of the bigs guns A&C IV chemo (with a side of steroids), 4 weeks of double dosed IV Taxol, followed up a double mastectomy surgery with expanders put in, Xeloda oral chemo for 6 months, explander to implant surgery.
Mind you.... I don't even take Advil and never even broken a bone (just saying)
But, cancer is no joke. Triple Negative Breast cancer is the fastest growing of the breast cancers.
Of course a part of me wanted to reject all traditional treatment and go to a center in Germany and eradicate it holistically. But...another part of me recognized how lucky I am to have caught it early before it spread....and that was due to western technology of MRIS and genetic testing (found out I was BRCA1 + in Feb 2019 after my dad found out he was years after he conquered prostate cancer)....how lucky I am to live in MA...the state where Dana Farber is located. So, I went all in.
I was an A+ patient (dead ass, ask around). I listened, followed all the rules, and kept clear boundaries. I used holistic options (accupuncture, ganja, meditation, yoga, crystals, mantras, nature, the elements, celery juice to name a few) instead of the "extra meds" you automatically get prescribed for combating side effects and symptoms. I did all the research I could to figure out how I could make this suck less. I knew it wasn't going to be fun, but I also knew it was best for me to focus on the things I CAN CONTROL.
(Insert Eastern medicine). The power of now, the eternal now, taking it day by day. Having the discipline to have daily non-negotiable habits. Which are, ironically, for the most part, been slowly instilled in my core since I graduated from college in 2011 upon finding yoga and "wellness".
Which are...ironically things we all know we should be doing...Which are ironically....habits that would lessen the side effects of chemo, better my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies.
Which are...still sacred rituals I practice till this day...
Which are...drinking 1/2 my weight in oz of water, drinking herbal tea, meditating, practicing yoga, moving my body, spending time in nature, eating a plant based diet, limiting alcohol consumption, having a healthy sex life, and getting 7-9 hours of sleep every night. I do all the above sacred rituals everyday, most of the time. Like so many signs, healings, downloads I have received from source....the last day taking my oral chemo pills was day 111 in a row I had meditated.
As I am writing this, today is the 186th day in a row I have meditated. I have instilled these habits into my lifestyle...and luckily I was already working on getting to this point for almost a decade so I am pretty good at it by now ;)
Don't get it twisted this journey was/is dark..but its all part of it.
I quickly recognized how living in a state of what ifs, uncertainty, fear, fear of the unknown, fear of the unfamiliar, fear of pain...did not serve me.
It did not serve me to worry about the million things that could possibly "go wrong" ...with my outcome, my treatment plan, side effects, surgery, having a family...just to name a few.
I recognized how defeated and depleted feeling sorry for myself, worrying, and being afraid made me feel. I recognized how focusing on what I can control- taking it day by day, living in a state of gratitude, living in a state of love, listening to what people have to say, paying attention to ALL the signs our guides are throwing at us all the time, being in the now, having patience, having compassion, treating my body as the sacred temple it is...resulted in me having faith and trust in the universe and myself.
No matter what horrible nightmare we may wake up to somedays...the only way out is through.
Having gone through over a year of cancer trauma and now in this global pandemic and injustice...
I still can't help but be in awe of it all.
I am serious when I say this.
The sun still continues to rise and set. The moon still waxes and wanes. The tides flow in and out.
We are still here. We are breathing, we are alive.
We have the choice to act within the wisdom of our hearts.
We have the ability to be better, do better, and take action.
We can treat each other as brothers and sisters.
We can be conscious citizens instead of mindless consumers.
We can tend, love, and take care of Mother Earth.
We can clean up the waters.
We can choose to act, and know that we did all we could to make this world a better place.
From my heart to yours,
Thank you for your support,
Thank you for reading,
Thank you for caring.
Happy to be on the road,
In peace, love,
xxKelsey Jean HristovaXX
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