Kelly, my friend, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are so much stronger than all this and you WILL come out on the brighter side. I believe in you! Lift that beautiful chin and fight! You got this! Big Hugs!
As mom, the depression, anxiety, PTSD, EDS, POTS ... I've become familiar with each diagnosis and, while they all gang up on Kelli and make life more difficult than what most young people deal with ... the hardest for me is the debt all of it deals out and there doesn't appear to be any public assistance. Even if she could just have medical assistance for balances after her insurance pays it would be so helpful. But when she is working she makes a good monthly income ... no one takes into consideration the inevitable periods of time she cannot work because one of her diagnoses creates an issue for her yet again. The mental health issues worsen when she is overwhelmed ... as she has been with the upcoming move to pay for with her bank account nearing zero.
It is not the illnesses that make me cry... or near tears - it is the overwhelming debt.
Before I die, I would like to see her credit score such that she could get even a small loan ...
But unless she gives up working and has her doctors declare her disabled ... and gives up the work she enjoys- she will never see that happen ... How sad is that?!
If anyone knows more about aid she may seek ... please guide her. I don't know enough about it.
It's been hard not hearing from her like we're used to. I open the office and am alone for at least 10 minutes. I had tears brimming but refusing to let them fall for fear they wouldn't stop. I bowed my head in prayer and had a peaceful conversation with our Father...
I pulled myself together and signed on my computer and the 3 programs I use and my email.
Within 5 minutes of having everything up ... an email popped up from Kelli. She doesn't typically get access so I was so surprised. She said she's doing well, asked me to bring her guitar & worship music and a few other things, told me she loves me and to snuggle her kitty babies (i am picking them up this weekend from Racine and bringing them to Wausau so they're not so lonely)... BIG thank you to Paula Citro for checking in on them every couple days since this all began.
The email was such a God-sent thing. My spirits soared and I survived another day.
Kelli and Connie - thank you both for posting here and being open and honest. What a road you have walked together, I am so sorry you have had to. Thanks for reaching out.
From a mother's perspective ... it has taken a lot of years and a lot of tears to get to today. I have learned and am still learning about mental health and mental illness. There is situational depression and anxiety and there is chronic. Kelli's is chronic ... we will likely deal with this in some form forever along with so very many other people.
Fortunately, in my opinion, each "flare" or crisis phase has moved Kelli forward to a better understanding of the signs that she needs help with perhaps a med change or additional counseling or sessions of training. Learning to be honest about what's happening rather than a facade of everything being ok is important.
It began as a secret - something to keep private for fear of being judged. "Close friends" were aware of her tough times and were supportive at first... but each and every person who she thought she could trust and be honest with has eventually cut her out of their life with a hurtful parting comment about her depression being too difficult for them to handle. Sad. No one knows the tears this mother has shed over lost and hurtful friends. She gives much to a friendship ... thoughtful "gifts" of babysitting friends' children, making meals for their families during their stressful times, helping with setting up a new teacher's classroom.... It has always been a shock and gut punch feeling when each has turned away.
Thru counseling and various mental health outpatient programs she has learned skills to help her work thru much of her every day struggles with the demons of mental illness that make her feel unloved, lonely, overwhelmed, weary, sad...
She has done well with trying to expand her circle of acquaintances to hopefully form new friendships with hopes of acquiring some true friends that will be supportive, lend an ear, hang out together so she's not always alone and enjoy time together. But in the busyness of life it seems harder for other people to invest time in new friendships. Most peers have spouses or children in addition to work and apparently find it difficult to invest in a new friend. If only people knew how lonely alone can be.
She has been involved in volunteering in her churches, at times has volunteered to share time with elderly patients at a nursing home with her therapy cat, Gracie, andshe and Gracie also have volunteered for children to read to Gracie at their library. Kelli is a foster parent who has done respite care for children others are fostering to give those families a break. Kelli took care of a special needs child for more than half a year. The child thrived in her care until his loving grandmother took over after learning of her grandson's neglect by his parents. A rewarding experience for Kelli which likely was partly what caused the need for repair of a ruptured tendon and lengthy recovery with no income.
As if the mental health challenges haven't been enough, Kelli suffers from chronic debilitating physical challenges as well. These challenges no doubt contribute to depression... but also contribute to mounting medical bills.
Kelli lives simply. Her debt is not from credit cards as is the case for many people. She hasn't had a credit card since her brief marriage. Her debt is a student loan with compiling interest and medical bills. Her credit rating is so low she cannot even get a $1000 loan.
Much of her earnings pay for her multiple medications - even with insurance there are portions she must pay.... the original cost for many of her meds is very high. I was on the phone tonight when she was at her drive thru pharmacy and had to turn down one of her meds because her portion was over $200. She takes more than a dozen meds daily and several others as needed.
She doesn't have a car payment currently but with her car having 13 years of wear and tear she has had to pay for new tires this year - and recently $1600 just to fix things that were a safety issue from a 5 car crash she was involved in (not at fault) which insurance has already taken more than 3 months and hasn't resolved yet. She will hopefully get at least the $1600 reimbursed.
It's tough. Tough for anyone ... but depression makes it worse ... and it feeds the depression and the cycle repeats.
She has been working as a home health nurse to gain some income for a few wks prior to her recent hospitalization. She intends to keep this job and work weekends at it in addition to a new fulltime job to begin in a couple weeks which requires her moving 45 miles away (driving that far every day through Milwaukee traffic with her aging car would've been too risky).
The help that hopefully this Caring Bridge will bring her will get her over a really big hurdle right now financially with the moumtain of medical bills but more urgently right now is to pay for her move and just manage the next few months of rent and utilities.
She and I have worked hard at packing and painting her current apartment (as required by her lease)... but her entire bank account is under what I make in 2 weeks with still utilities and car and rental insurances to pay.
This was difficult for Kelli ... creating this page with a plea for help. But hopefully this takes some pressure off her financially and therefore mentally due to the anxiety of how she can pay for all this. It's been roughly a 13 year battle with depression thru which I've helped her financially as much as I can with each scary time when she's been unable to work. It's too much right now for me to help enough. For me it is also difficult to admit that I'm not enough for her.
This mom has an aching heart... but also one full of hope for the progress I've seen in Kelli over the years.
Thank you to all of you who take the time to hear our story... thank you for prayers and well wishes even if you're not able to help financially. Just knowing you care does help.
To those who do help financially ... I can't ever thank you enough for whatever you do for her. You're investing in a woman with a heart full of love who gives back to the world around her in many ways always ... even if it is an apple to the homeless man begging at a highway exit... or a backpack filled with basic hygiene items, or a happy meal she drives to get and bring back to his spot.
Her 4th grade teacher long ago told me of the big hearted girl who always made sure to spend at least half of recess time sitting with a classmate who had horrible scars on his face from burns. He sat alone watching others play ... but Kelli always spent time with him.
Mid-September she will be able to move in to get new place nearer her job.
Her Beauty from Ashes go find me page has brought in a bit of money ... enough for her September rent at her current place plus a little more.
I'm so hoping others will continue to add to her fund to help pay for movers.
The mental health issues are challenging on their own but the lack of funds for basics don't really help her situation.
One step at a time. Gotta have faith.